(Okay, so here's my extended version of Lady of the Mists! I hope people like it as much as the first one!)
-
She comes from over the sea,
Draped in silver silk
With tiny diamonds glittering on her brow.
She sweeps on in silence,
A veil about her face and shoulders.
She drifts over the shore and into the forest,
Her hands brushing crystal drops onto pine needles,
Decorating ferns and brush
To flicker in the silver light.
Her voice is soft and quiet
And her touch like an embrace;
She cloaks the forest in her gray robes
And shrouds the sun from view.
-
My Lady from the sea dances mournfully
Beneath her gray ceiling,
Hidden from the blaze of morning.
Her ashen gown twirls in whispering lamentation
As she stretches many arms through the woods--
She is searching, reaching,
Fingers groping every dark pocket.
She is searching for her lover,
Mutely probing between the trees where she last saw him,
Her cry caught up in her throat.
I watch her, hear her stricken sobbing,
And wonder if the storm is come,
For the Lady of the Mists is crying.
-
She is the Mist, she is born of the sea
But to the forest she must ever return,
Migrating cross the land
Until she burns 'neath the fiery sun,
For her lover is lost to her, forever gone
But she cannot rest without him.
My Lady from the sea searches, distressed
And lachrymose
For her love is now but a dream,
A reverie of magic,
That can never again be held in her arms.
She, with her veil of shimmering condensation,
Is bound to grieve for eternity.
-
For she is the Mist upon the land,
And he is the past that cannot be found,
The only man who could tame this remote Lady,
A mere mortal who can never be again.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Knight Dragon, here to spaz first, then review.
YAAAAAYYY!!! More!
All right, review(-ish) things, here we go.
Well, it definitely has a different feel than the previous one. And it's simply a personification of nature in this one! I liked it better when she was an 'actual' person, although perhaps that wasn't your original intention. But still...it felt a lot better as fantasy instead of traditional poetry.
Something that niggled at me while I was reading was the presence of a first person narrator in the second stanza. That's the only time said narrator appears, and it felt out of place. Especially since the rest of the poem stands quite well on its own without it. I'm not sure if that could be worked out or not, but it's something to go back over.
And who was this mortal? How did he tame her? Gaargh! Running into the same feeling as the previous one. More! Mooorree!!!
(I have just recently started reading Harry Potter [on book 4 now] and am tempted to try my best imitation of Dudley at this point.)
Hope this helps!
(More!)
Hello, Liaya! Rhia here to review.
Wow, what stunning imagery! You wrote really beautifully, and really captured something marvelous. I've always loved mythology, and this style and subject reminded me of myths about different goddesses, which made it very enjoyable to read.
I'm going to TRY to find some suggestions. It's gong to be difficult, but I will try.
"With tiny diamonds glittering on her brow. "
Because you use "glitter" later on in the same stanza, may I propose you change this one to the quite so lovely word, scintillating? It means just the same thing as glittering, shimmering, shining. But it is just such a dazzling word, and it will take away that repetition of a word.
Also, perhaps to help flow these two lines, I would suggest a comma at the end of the previous line, and I would try to move things around so you don't start the line with "with". So many people skim down the side subconsciously, so the first words really make an impression, and if there's a lot of with's, and's, and because's, it sometimes changes a person's opinion.
Otherwise, this is flawless. You transition smoothly, you have awesome vocab, and the imagery is dazzling. Keep it up, can't wait to read more
Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I changed the second "glitter" to "flicker." I was worried I had something repeating in there but I hadn't been able to find it, so thanks for pointing it out! The other changes aren't quite so quick and easy but I see what you mean and I'll look at improving it. Thanks again!