Their young faces have been corrupted by war
The same faces that were once so full of life have dried up like vacant wells
The same eyes once bursting with light have sunken in and completely lost sight.
The same voices once full of laughter have withered up like dry grass...
And any dreams they've ever held on to have been shattered like broken glass
Any kindness they've experienced has been overseen by cruelty
And any lives they've ever lived have been scarred by death
The children who were once alive are still breathing, but have long since died.
There is hope hidden somewhere for the lost youth, but their scars will remain
It will take some time before they rebuild themselves and their lives are regained...
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138,443 Literary Works • 672,121 Reviews
Hello! Nice work, I can tell this subject means a lot to you. A few suggestions: You have some rhymes sneaking in in the 2nd and last stanza and that threw me off, as you didn't have rhymes elsewhere. You did a good job in the first 2 stanzas with images, but the last two stanzas drifted into abstraction: "overseen by cruelty", "scarred by death", "lost youth" are very abstract concepts that don't really pack the emotional punch that it should. Ground those ideas, choose more concrete images. Good luck
I'm thinking one more review before I call it a night. But that might just be me lying to myself.
Lost sight of what? Like they're blind? This doesn't feel like a relevant concern. I get that they lost light, that's a good comparison, but I think you can end the line with something better than that.
I agree about the punctuation, this one is particularly lacking as well. But I don't remember that being a past problem for you so I'm not sure why it seems to have sprung up. It's not any different than regular sentence punctuation so just put the commas where you pause and the questions marks where it's a question etc. That simple, no complicated poetry punctuation involved this time.
So for the second stanza I think it should be more parallel to the first one. You started with "their faces" and then went to "the same..." in the next lines, it progresses. So you should either add a "their something..." at the beginning of stanza two to fit, or you should join it with stanza one which actually might fit better. I also get the comparison of shriveling with dried grass but it's still a slightly odd comparison.
Maybe not "overseen" but ""overshadowed"
I know this is plural because you're referring to multiple people, but it sounds like one person is living multiple lives so that can be fixed by rephrasing.
connecting this to the last line, elaborate! As always, make it longer babessss. I want to know more about they're "death" but then tell me about this new chance at life. Give me some uplifting examples of the hidden hope and then the last line will be more fitting and readers can come away feeling hopeful.
As always.
Change out.
Team Rouge.
Knight Dragon, here to review on this lovely Review Day!
Technical:
"Their young faces have been corrupted by war
The same faces that were once so full of life have dried up like vacant wells
The same eyes once bursting with light have sunken in and completely lost sight."
You should put some punctuation at the end of those first two lines. Maybe commas, or periods.
"The same voices once full of laughter have withered up like dry grass...
And any dreams they've ever held on to have been shattered like broken glass"
You could put the ellipses at the end of the second line, and put a comma after the first. Or, a comma after the first and period after the second.
"Any kindness they've experienced has been overseen by cruelty
And any lives they've ever lived have been scarred by death
The children who were once alive are still breathing, but have long since died."
Same comment as the first stanza.
"There is hope hidden somewhere for the lost youth, but their scars will remain
It will take some time before they rebuild themselves and their lives are regained..."
Same comments as the second stanza.
Question: why did you put so many lines in between the third and last stanzas? The poem's fine without them. Of course that's just my opinion.
Hi arianaSarroyo,Dark here with a review on your poem!
I love the poem that convey a message about the war. It should be a poem that educate and reap the sympathy of readers.
# Their young faces have been corrupted by war
The same faces that were once so full of life have dried up like vacant wells
The same eyes once bursting with light have sunken in and completely lost sight.-->Through the first stanza, you say that the war has robbed their childhood, life and the strength in their eyes (light)/Their future. So I think 'lost sight' here is something that making them lost hopes/direction on life.I like the simile 'dried up like a vacant wells'.The same as the two lines on second stanza;
I totally love the end of the poem.Really well-written and breathtaking .But somehow I think the rhythm is a bit off here.Sure can be shortened but still convey the same meaning here.
Overall,you have nice poem to read here,I enjoyed reading all the part.Hope you can finish this poem soon!
Kudos,cheers
~Dark