z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

operation imperial ch-14

by rishabh


14.

Operation Imperial III

DAY 5:

After spending four consecutive days inside the CS-IT lab, we recorded something precious in our console and as per our plan; my eight brave and bright students were present inside the lab. Albeit, I was waiting for Myra outside her apartment, as I wanted to give her a surprise.

“Come fast Myra, a beautiful surprise is waiting for you.”

Myra came outside after putting so much make up on her face. She was looking nice in her beautiful red saree. My eyes fixed on her.

“Hello, now you are not getting late ….huh!” Myra said in her witty style.

I broke my focus and signalled her to proceed ahead.

It took fifteen minutes to reach our destination. I was excited. As we entered inside the lab, everyone got super shocked. Prof. Gupta started staring at me as if I had done something wrong. The whole atmosphere became tense after my arrival with Myra.

“What this bitch is doing inside my lab?” Prof suddenly started yelling on me.

“Sir, please mind your tongue. She is my fiancée.” The heat inside the lab started rising up. The atmosphere became more intense.

“Ha ha ha…what a joke ratan, I did not expect such crap from you.” Prof. chided me.

“What is your problem sir? I like Myra, is this your problem?” I demanded clarification from prof. gupta on this topic.

“You want to know the reason …huh! So listen, she is the bloody murderer.” Prof pointed out his finger towards Myra.

Everyone inside the lab got quadrupled shock. A low frequency murmuring started inside the lab.

“Are you alright, sir? What is this nonsense?” I defended her. Myra started crying and my anger reached above the boiling point.

“This is not a joke, son; she killed my best friend, Prof Dhyanchand.”

I started watching Myra’s innocent looking face. In addition, I was thinking that why Myra not throwing a single word in her defence. However, my argumentation with prof. gupta took half hour to end.

“Ratan you are gormless, I want you to break your relationship with this prostitute.” Prof. ordered me.

“Never sir, I love her.” I was sounding like ‘STUPID MAJNU’.

“Then, I end this journey here only. Nobody will support you.” Prof. warned me.

“I don’t want anybody. This was my idea, and I am the one who started this operation.”

After listening to this crap, prof silently moved outside the lab along with my eight brave and bright students. In addition, after throwing such heavy words towards prof I remained silent as if I had lost everything.

DAY 6:

My prediction was wrong about the last day of my operation. According to my prediction, I was on the verge of showing the dark face of imperial education group to the world. That univ was about to collapse under the power of social media but I was wholly wrong. My all cunningness was lost when I saw that no recordings were in my console. My five-day hard work was gone in the trash box. The question raised in my think tank that who did this? Who touched my console? I had given my passkey…..to…? All the questions were revolving in my head repeatedly. My mind was about to blast. Suddenly an idea struck in my mind. I called Myra but unfortunately, her phone was switched-off. Everything started going against me. I was feeling lonely. In addition, I was missing prof and my students at that time. In that guilty mood, I called Prof Gupta but his phone was also switched-off.

“What the hell!” I screamed like sunny deol in that stress.

After wailing a lot, I sat beside my empty console and started thinking about Prof. Suddenly my phone ranged.

“Are you Ratan?” stranger asked.

“Yes.” I said in shaky voice.

“I am inspector RAO. Please report to Dalanwala police station immediately. We got nine dead bodies.” Inspector gave me shocking news, but still the picture was not clear.

“But why are you calling me…?”

Inspector gashed the line and left a question in my mind that what is the relation between the nine dead bodies and me? I was confused and for solving this puzzle, I went to the police station.

“Sir I am ratan. Where are the dead bodies?”

“Come with me.” Inspector took me to the mortuary ward. “See, are you able to recognise these dead bodies. Do you have any connection with them?”

My mouth remained open. I said ‘Yes’.

“Ok. Come and sign on this sheet.” Inspector brought one blank sheet with him.

I was in a shock. I signed without seeing the paper. My whole attention was on the dead bodies.

“So, sequentially tell me their names for a record”. Inspector ordered me.

“Prof. Gupta, Imtiaz Ali, Devika, Rohan, Shreeja, Mayank, Amit, Devashish and Nandni.” I told their names in a crackly voice.

At that time, I was wholly depressed. My senses were not responding well and at a sudden, I ran outside the police station and quickly reached to the chairman’s office.

“Hey, you scumbag, you killed my crew members. I will kill you.” I was flowing in the sentiments after watching my crewmember’s dead bodies.

“Prove it.” Chairman said.

I stood still as all my proofs formatted from my console.

“Listen boy, I am sparing your life. Yeah I took their lives. Nobody can stop me. Neither you nor your crewmembers. I will run this univ according to my wish. So now you go home because you are fired.” Chairman had shown his ‘MAFIAGIRI’ to me.

I silently walked away from that univ where I had spent such a beautiful time with prof. gupta and eight brave and bright students. I was crying and feeling guilty. I was responsible for their death. I started hating myself. I started hating this world. I had lost my job, friends and love. At last, I went to my home where my parents were living.


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 1:37 pm
Cailey wrote a review...



Hey there! Knight Cailey here with a review.
I know that I read and reviewed a part of this sometime back, but I can't remember which part it was. But anyway, now I am here to review that next part.

I think in this one you did a better job at explaining what is happening. I remembering being a little bit confused in the first one, but I understood a lot more clearly this time, so good job working on that and improving it!

I think the thing you should work on now is your dialogue. Try to avoid just putting the words they say. You can include interruptions:
"Listen boy," the chairman said in an angry voice, "I am sparing your life."
Just little interruptions like that so that the reader knows what is happening, not just what they're saying. Also, when you have more than two people in a room it's important to clarify who said what- otherwise the reader gets confused.


I liked this line: "“Ha ha ha…what a joke ratan, I did not expect such crap from you.” Prof. chided me."
Chided was a great choice of words for that part. :)

I hope this helps, let me know if you need anything or have questions or comments.




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Sun Sep 15, 2013 4:06 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Rishabh!

Thanks for writing more. I was beginning to miss reading my Operation Imperial as I usually do :) So it was good to see some more of it up, and the story continuing. This is the big climax! Where everything starts falling to pieces and Ratan feels like his whole world is falling apart. Of course, you're climax has a big twist because suddenly all the work is gone and his friends and murdered and basically, operation imperial is cancelled! :o What suspense here. What's Ratan going to be able to do now, alone? Does he feel partly to blame for their deaths, because he encouraged them to help out in the operation? I hope rattan doesn't give up!

I think you could've built the suspense a bit. When I first heard about the nine bodies I thought it was random people again, not the people who were Ratan's friends. So maybe you could play up the idea of this. Like, Ratan thinking about which random nine people have died this time, and really explain his emotions when the shock hits him of who died. Who could've done this to his friends? Describe his emotions and the appearances of his mates. It must be different when half an hour ago you saw them full of life and suddenly they are limp, blank and lifeless. Let us know more about this! Dramatise the climax some more!

Now let's talk about some of the technical things here:

"Myra came outside after putting so much make up on her face." It should be Myra cam outside after putting a lot of make up on her face. The term so much make up would be useful if this phrase was in the past tense: Myra came outside with so much make up on her face. The verb 'putting' puts the 'so much' out of place. I hope you understand what I'm trying to describe. If you don't feel free to post on my wall for another explanation or get me in chat! I'd try better then :3

“Hello, now you are not getting late ….huh!” Hmm... what I think you mean here is that Ratan's becoming one of those people who are becoming late regularly. The wording here makes it awkward and hard to understand. You should think of it as: "Hello. Are you becoming someone who's always late now... hm?" That still phrases it in a jokey manner, but brings the meaning across better. All I've done here is made the meaning more obvious.

"Everyone inside the lab got quadrupled shock. A low frequency murmuring started inside the lab." I don't have a problem with the sentence here. My main problem with this is the meaning. When Ratan first came in, everyone was tense and silent. That means before this they all must've already known what was going on. So why did they get so shocked when Myra was being accused?

My very last point is a small one, but I've noticed it a lot. Ratan is the main characters name, but his name is never capitalized! It's an English rule, that every name has a capital letter. So please don't forget to do the same with Ratan!

I hope this review was helpful for you. Continue letting me know when the next chapter is up, because I'm eager to know what happens next in the story. :)

Deanie x





ask not what u can do for ur bones but of what ur bones can do for u
— Carina