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A New World

by misstoria


Skies are cloudy on this day,
rain falls proudly giving all away.
The television blares reports of celebration,
city streets flood with cheers.
It is the not the end of a fight
but the climax leading to the inevitable.
Some are in joy, some find anger,
only confusion crosses my face.
Who I am in this new world?
Everything is changing, old values are gone.
I can’t help but marvel at these new ideas.
Now the minister screams hell is coming to be,
no good Christian could say this is okay.
Is there something wrong with tolerance?
They’ve been working so hard for this moment,
I won’t be the one to rain on the rainbow parade.
Nothing makes sense in my moral mind.
The Baptist ideal doesn’t include change.
Suddenly I know, I’m growing older now
my freedom has expanded.
Their ideas do not have to be mine.
At the dawn of this new world
I finally understand .
Be Who You Want to Be,
The rest doesn’t matter.




*AN* This poem was written on the day DOMA was repealed. I come from a religious and conservative family and needless to say it was drmatic at home. My feelings about the moment are what this poem came to be. 


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:47 pm
Juniper wrote a review...



Hey there, Miss Storia,

I love reading poems that are written about a controversial or present day issue that we face, because it grants me the lens to see how other people of my generation feel about these things. I like this poem for its message; it clearly portrays a feeling on uncertainty, of tension, of anticipation and apprehension-- you did not struggle to show us that in this poem, and for that I applaud you.

I would suggest cutting back on some of what you have here, though; in some part, it feels like a recount of a groups' collective feelings on the matter, and on the other hand, it feels like your personal inner monologue about your feelings on the matter. Flip a different token, and you're talking a lot about the position fo the church, and that's quite a lot to bite off and chew in one poem.

Because the poem did not have a specific structure or scheme to follow, I would suggest reorganizing this. I think all of the thoughts you have here CAN work together, but as you have it now, they're not; you need to collect these ideas to one another, make them come alive, and make us see it through your eyes. Anyone can get the facts, darling, but only you can tell your story on the issue.


Keep writing. Happy review day!

June




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 11:31 am
umaima wrote a review...



Hey,

Umaima here for reviewing this really awesome piece. Goodness so many awesome poets on this site! I just can't get enough of reading of all these poems.

First of all I would like to say that the plot on which you have based this poem was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. Really, I feel like to read more of your poems as i am really impressed (I will when I get time :D). Though I am not the best when it comes to talking about the plot and layout of poems but I felt that it was really good here.

About the rhythm (which I feel is really important), when I read the poem i couldn't read it continuously. There were times (in the middle of the poem) where the rhythm took off or something because it kind of left my excitement hanging but then in the end it grabbed it again.

About the stanzas, you haven't really divided the poem in stanzas. Usually (almost all the time) when I read professional poems which are for example in my books or something they are always divided into stanzas, it's like a poems beauty or something and i think that it is important as I have been seeing it everywhere. Also if a poem isn't in stanzas then the reader sometimes loses her or his interest in reading it so i would totally recommend you to put this piece into stanzas.

The poem gave a clear meaning to what you were trying to say, I must say good job on that. Most of the times poems lack behind because they are unable to convey the message clearly and a plus point of this poem was that it didn't have that drawback. Every line was giving us a clear view of what you were trying to say.

Now, my favorite stanza in this poem is

At the dawn of this new world
I finally understand .
Be Who You Want to Be,
The rest doesn't matter.


I loved this stanza because it gave a very clear meaning. I feel the same way and it was what I felt was the strongest and most meaning lines in your poem.

So amazing poem, keep writing and all the best for your next poem. Also I hope nothing above has offended you because I never meant to do it :D

Happy review day!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 3:37 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate your feelings and I think poetry can definitely be a good way to start conversation or sort out and order our trains of thought.

I am also endlessly impressed with the way you start this poem:

Skies are cloudy on this day,
rain falls proudly giving all away.
The television blares reports of celebration,
city streets flood with cheers.


It took me two reads, but when I found the connection, I was smiling. You talk about rain, and then you talk about a flood, but it's not a devastating flood, it's just cheers from people. I love this because it connects the volume of the rain and the image of a real flood, giving that volume and space to the cheers, which would otherwise just be sound and intangible. It also connects the characters in your poem to nature, which makes them larger than they might be on their own.

The problem is that after that, your poem becomes a little less subtle. The rest kind of sounds like a journal. I love the expression of thought and I love reading journals/blogs, but that kind of tone and presentation feels off in a poem presented for critique. I would suggest considering the deeper emotions that underlie the situation, and mentioning the event concretely just once, then moving on with the "so what" -- the results of the day.

I would also recommend taking all the line breaks out and reading the piece as prose so that you can get all your punctuation right. Punctuate it just like you would prose, and then stick the line breaks back in, and you'll be golden. c:

PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:51 am
ScandalousPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello! ScandalousPhoenix here to review for you!

Well first off, I liked the essence and the idea of this poem. It shows your view on this and that people are able to change their views and not always have to be with their parents.

But, I think you should shorten out the poem into stanzas to make it easier on the reader to be able to read. There is so much to take in, so when put into stanzas it lets the reader take a breath.

Also, you may want to work on the fluency of your poem. Some parts seemed choppy and break apart, like in this line:

"The television blares reports of celebration,
city streets flood with cheers.
It is the not the end of a fight
but the climax leading to the inevitable."

Some of the words seem too large for the fluency. Try using words with less syllables maybe?

Try to expand more on your confusion and what exactly is going on. Answer the "Who" of this. Who are you talking about? Why are Christians mad? And possibly add more of you changing your mind.

All in all, Its was fantastic! I loveee the idea!

Any questions, feel free to message me!!

~ScandalousPhoenix





You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote