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12+ Language Violence

Randsomed Chapter 1.2

by elysian

Rek stopped. "Okay...come on, what's this all about? Does this have anything to do with the girl? How about you just let her go?"



"Hahaha, Let the little princess go? Yeah, sure." The man shook his head as if to say that Rek was crazy.



Rek stretched his back and took a lazy step toward them. "Alright, fine, don't-- I don't care. Kill her if you want to. Just tell me what you want."



"Her, her kingdom. Her marriage." The man grinned.



Rosa froze. A princess? A kingdom?



"Oh, that's charming, really. That's how I proposed to my wife-- I put a knife to her throat. Worked wonderfully." Rek walked forward more.



Rosa struggled to keep from laughing.



The man laughed. "Who said I had to propose? I just take her. And I force her."



"You force her to say 'I do'? My, my, that takes talent. My wife hasn't talked to me since I put a knife to her throat." Rek smirked, walking forward a bit more.



"DON'T STEP ANY CLOSER!" The man yelled, tightening his grip on the knife.



"Ah, okay," Rek stopped. "Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'll stop." This is close enough to kill you.



Rosa looked frightened. She didn't know what Rek was going to do as the man tightened his grip.



"How about we just drop the weapons-- and you let the girl go-- and we fight this out like men?"



The man grunted and threw Rosa on the ground. "Don't move." and walked towards Rek.



Rosa looked at Rek and begged him not to do it with a look in her eye.



"Oh, that's surprising," Rek taunted, as he threw his sword to the ground and stuck the rest of his daggers into the ground-- putting them near to Rosa. If something should go wrong, she'd be armed before the intruder could be. "I figured you'd keep hiding behind the girl."



"Shut the hell up." The man lunged for Rek. Rosa gasped.



Rek stepped to the side, elbowing the man in the back as he fell. Rek turned around, watching the man as he pushed himself to his face. "Get up!"



The man turned and made another blind rush at Rek. He stepped to the side...only to be tackled by a second man, leaping from the bushes above them. Rek jerked the man off him, and rolled to his feet, wildly looking around for Rosa-- to be sure that the first wasn't bothering her.



He wasn't. He'd been getting a club, and now charged at Rek with a branch in his arms. Rek ducked under the swinging branch, just in time to turn into the fist of the second man. He whirled around, snatching the branch from the first man, thrusting it towards the middle of the second.



Rek swung the branch around towards the first, hitting him in the face. He was on the first man before he could get up, and snapped his neck. Rek heard Rosa shriek, and turned, just as a rock descended on his own head.



His vision got black at the edges, but Rek managed to wrestle the man to the ground and snapped his neck. Rek staggered to his feet.



Rosa looked up at him, her face flushed. He stood and stared at her, studying her features for the first time. She had wide amber eyes, and she was very thin. Her lips were full, her jaw defined. She was wearing a floral, zip up dress with brown boots. She had a black leather Jacket that reached her waist, and she had long, brown hair that was braided in a messy braid down to the middle of her back. She finally shifted, And Rek looked away. His mouth had a cut on it. Rosa ripped a piece of cloth from her jacket and dabbed it.



"Are you okay?" Rek asked gruffly, picking up his weapons.



"Yes." Rosa whispered. "But I think you're the one that we should be worried about."



"What does that mean?"



"Your lip. It is cut." Rosa looked worried.



Rek reached up to touch his lip, instinctively. It came away red. He spat and shrugged. "It's alright..."



  "It's not. It could get infected."



"Not likely." Rek glared, swatting her hand away.



Rosa looked hurt when he rejected her help.



He sighed deeply. "What's with you girls?"



"What?" Rosa looked at him quizzically.



"What? Do you want me to squirm and cry when you clean it up? Why do you get such joy out of patching me up?"



"You could actually act like you appreciate my help." Rosa started walking away.



Rekard threw his hands in the air, exasperated. "That could go for you as well. I just *killed* four men, to save you!" He stormed past her.



Rosa stopped and looked down at the ground.



"I...I shouldn't have said that. Come on."



"No. I'm sorry. I should've thanked you, and I didn't. Forgive me, please." Rosa looked into his eyes and pleaded.



"It's cool... come on." Rek started down the path again. "I'm ready to get there."

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289 Reviews

Points: 30323
Reviews: 289

Fri Apr 19, 2013 12:52 pm
Caesar wrote a review...

Hey Lylas, here to review, as requested.

Good job on the grammar, it's so much better than some of your other stuff I've read.

I still think your language is far too modern. Expressions like 'it's cool' and 'don't get your panties in a bunch' scream 21st century. Rek uses them so fluidly I'd say he'd be perfect in a modern, action-adventure setting. I like his character, however, he doesn't fit a medieval setting. Pin down what time setting this is in, then research the language at the time. I'm sure there are lots of free texts to read on the internet. Then, modify your language accordingly. I also noticed Rek is wearing a leather jacket -- those didn't exist in medieval times, or any time really, up until relatively 'modern' times.

This is also still lacking somewhat in description. Describe the setting to us. Considering Rek is probably filled with adrenaline, he wouldn't be observing the landscape closely, true, however, people do pick up random details which may or may not be important in a hypertense state. On that note, you might want to show us more of their respective emotions -- to give a fuller, three-dimensional quality to the chapter. Think of what Rek is thinking about the predicament he's in. Perhaps you could focus on Rosa's fear, or the bandit's motivations.

Another question arises. Is this solely about Rek and Rosa's adventures? You told me this was all one chapter, at which point yes, breaking them up is a good idea, though it prevents readers from getting the bigger picture. At the moment, we don't really know who the two are. You stated Rosa knew nothing, and she had just met Rek, yes? But here, the focal character seems to be Rek, not Rosa. At some point, we're going to want to know who these characters are. Think of ways to show us their backstory, or let us in on what they want, or anything, really. This can be achieved through dialogue, action, etc. Something to make the characters more intriguing, and have them seem something other than your typical action man and the bimbo in distress.

I hope to see more of this.

Hope this helped

elysian says...

Thanks soooo much! This is going to take A lot of work, but I'll do my best!

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7 Reviews

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Reviews: 7

Thu Apr 18, 2013 9:29 pm
Devereaux says...

Great chapter, great sudden appearance of the other guy, Rosa seems to care for rek, definitely can see the couple already.

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89 Reviews

Points: 797
Reviews: 89

Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:41 pm
ANADIR wrote a review...

another amazing chapter! i didn't notice many problems, but here are the few that i noticed. the man who was threatening rosa seemed...weird. i don't really know how to say it. he seemed to know so much about her, and have the upper hand, but then he just decided to give up his easy win. you might want to expand on WHY he gave her up, and fought rex. and two, there were some lines where they seemed like they were written fast, like you were trying to finish them. like one was "hahaha give up the princess?" or something along those lines. i would recommend changing laughs in text to: The man chuckled. "Give up my hard earned princess? now why would i do that?" that way, you make the man seem more sinister, and evil. other than that, this is another awesome chapter! message me or post on my wall if you want some help. :D cya around-Andy

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"