Take Me Somewhere Better

Hey there! Eli here for a lovely review of your work!

To be honest, most of what the previous reviewers have already said is true in its own way. I totally understand their point of view and the off beginning that was mentioned by some was found as a thing while I was reading this work. I think this is your style which I can not always catch the idea of. I have noticed that your works can have different meaning, this is the second work of yours I am reading but this is my thought for your style for now. Each person looks at it differently and we of course dislike different aspect of the work.

I think the thoughtful and 'what is the meaning' questions are already put at the front but I have small small things to point out that I think I did not find in previous reviews. Some are things I think are written wrong, used wrong or just do not go with the flow. I hope this review helps!


~Complains ~

1. A frost spreads and buries,

Do you see the doublespace that is used after the capital? I notice.

2. in it's firm grasp

It should be 'its firm grasp'. Possession it is.

3. Turn me into something more,
mould me into what I want.
Change all that I left behind
and help me leave it anyway.
Make more than what I am,
if you can.

It is in each part of this work to be honest. But in this one I think I can give you a solution? The flow is so bad. Read it out loud. It is not about the simple molding idea even, this is not the complain, it is that I know rhymes are not part of this work but even without rhymes, you should unite the lines into one somehow. The part that is bothering me the most is the third and fourth line. I try to read it out loud and make it sound good. No ideas how to do that. That 'anyway' just creates a crack into the solid wall that is the flow you were building. Maybe just maybe the line in which the word is a new sentence, so the reader stops before reading it and it does not sound that bad.

Keep on writing!

Hey EnchantedPanda! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poetry tonight. ^^

Well, this is a really good poem. As a framework. I found the flow choppy, awkward, but I did like it. I'm pretty certain this could be better, but I'm not sure how you could improve on this. I suggest reading it our loud to see what it sounds like, and if it sounds awkward or off somehow, then prehaps you could fiddle and play around with line breaks and wording until it sounds better?


Okay, now I don't really have anything more to say. It's good, but not the best, and with a few little fiddles, it could be great. Despite this, I do like it so far, and that's a good thing. If you ever revise it or anything, please let me know. I'll be sure to come back and read it again! This is an interesting little poem. Thanks for the poetry! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar. <3

mould - mold
check it's in the first stanza to see if you want it is, or its possessive like you have later.

All in all, this poem is really pretty. I like how you switch between a story narrator and a first person desire that they have. I think near the end, the first person really overwhelming the narrator and the story says a lot about how the poem sort of shapes itself into something that you wanted. You have some really pretty stanzas in here too, but there are a few things you have to watch for.

Try not to use things you've heard before. Try to create completely new ways of saying things, or at least change what is being said enough to make it sound like something not out of a romance novel. I am mainly talking about the clay molding. A lot of people use the analogy of clay being molded for growing up, and I'd like to see something unique from you. No birds, no clay, something else.

Good use of box, gold, and all of that, in that case, you're taking something we do instead of something we say, and creating your own symbol out of it. I really love how truthful it is too because I totally do collect little trinkets in boxes! That really made me connect with the poem and smile.

I think you're really on to something! I really liked your idea. However, the beginning/middle is a bit vague, and I found myself reaching for possible topics you were talking about. The end was very good, in my opinion; the perfect amount of specificity and a clear objective. (Also, just a small note, capitalize the first letter of each line. At least, that's the format I was taught.) Keep up the great work