z

Young Writers Society


12+

My Goodbye

by misstoria


We had a love,
like dancing constellations,
with sad correlations
of yesterdays ended too soon.
 
I thought I was happy
with the monotony
of every day you
and me breathing silently.
 
Then the tables lifted
their gilded covers
and I saw the truth
behind my crystal façade.
 
Our “Love”
was just infatuation
all a part of the clockwork
high school love game.
 
 
 
I danced the waltz,
I played my part
and acted like I was giving
you my fragile, virgin heart.
 
Now it’s time to release
the balloon of secrets
I’ve kept tied down
with formalities.
 
I never loved you,
it was just my responsibility
to the society of
who I wanted to be.
 
I can’t play the game
no longer can I live
with the pain
of lies to many.
 
 
 
It’s time I become
become the woman I’ve
always wanted to be,
reinvent my own history.
 
Forget me, I’m nothing
but a faded memory
of what a girl
should never be.
 
Move on to someone better,
 a damsel who can be your
one and only true destiny
but my dear,
that helpless thing can never be me.
 
I was once told,
Love is a four
letter word
a secret acronym
for hurt. 

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Donate
Tue Mar 05, 2013 1:04 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Misstoria! Dogs here with your review today. Okey dokey, lovely piece you have going on here. Excellent piece of writing you have here, an incredibly cliche and overused topic, but you took that boring topic and put a new spin on it to make it your own excellent writing. Really I don' have much of any notes content wise, and everything I'm going to say is just nitpicky re wording. Let's dive in now shall we?

"of yesterdays ended too soon."

This line bugs me, more because the "ended" bit of it. There are two different ways that you could edit this piece, either say: "of yesterdays that ended too soon." But that might look a little weird being a longer line in poem of generally short lines. You could also say: of yesterdays,/ ending too soon." Something along those lines, whatever floats your boat.

"you/ and me breathing silently."

It's a little awkwardly worded here, I think perhaps because it sounds like you just tried to add on a bit too much of information to this sentence. Maybe try breaking it into two sentence and saying: "you./ Me breathing silently." Great use of "monotony" in that stanza. Excellent job in word choice :).

"was just infatuation"

You need a comma after "infatuation." Again excellent word choices :) I"m really enjoying reading this piece.

"one and only true destiny"

Put a period after "destiny" and capitalize "but" in the next line. I really love the line: "that helpless thing can never be me." It really does a good job showing that you have some back bone. All and all a great piece, I enjoyed reading your writing and you have excellent word choice that really adds to your narrative. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




User avatar
1274 Reviews

Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274

Donate
Mon Mar 04, 2013 3:28 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hello misstoria! Overall, I really like this. There's some lovely wording in here and it makes the piece stand out.

I thought I was happy
with the monotony
of every day you
and me breathing silently.

Then the tables lifted
their gilded covers
and I saw the truth
behind my crystal façade.


I loved these stanzas, but I thought there were a couple commas missing. Possibly after "you and me" in the first verse and definitely after "covers" in the second. There's a couple other places where this happens, so I'd go through it again.

I never loved you,
it was just my responsibility
to the society of
who I wanted to be.

I can’t play the game
no longer can I live
with the pain
of lies to many.


These stanzas fall flat to me. There's poor flow and they're not very interesting. It might be more interesting to show the lies you lived or the kind of person you wanted to be with this person.

Aside from those things, I enjoyed it. The first and last verses were my favorite. Good job and keep writing! :)





But what about second breakfast?
— Peregrin Took