Young Writers Society

hi writer,

your poem was lovely and precise..
congratulations.

i liked - ends night's poetry.

true that.
keep writing and reviewing.

to review my work, view-https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=115583

Hi, ReisePiecey!

Oh, this was lovely.

I understand the feeling here, and I really appreciate that the haiku has done you no wrong, especially with the break after ellipse.

That moment of awkward silence when whoever has to leave is trying to find all their clothes, and you sit there and watch, breathing in the remnants of love that occurred the night before. They pull on their pants and find their shirt, and their bag, and you watch them as they open the door, but what do you say to them? The awkwardness trails off into a deeper silence as they leave, the sunlight worming its way between the blinds as you sigh. It hurts, doesn't it?

I can't believe you captured that feeling in a haiku, but you did. Really well done. The only thing I'd suggest changing is that daybreak is one word, not two, but if you meant to do that to emphasize the "breaking" feeling in this poem, go ahead and leave it like that.

Also, I might consider changing the title a little; the way it's phrased doesn't properly convey the sophistication in this poem.

Altogether, this is fabulous. Sorry if I rambled a little bit back there. I hope you find this helpful! Happy poeting!

Hello

I love the title, drew me in. but, shouldn't it be "Too Clingy for a One Night Stand?"
Consider changing that.

Also, I think the period in "with you, in sync. An ellipse" Kind of disrupts the flow. maybe change it to:

"with you, in sync, an ellipse"

Which maybe you put that there because it an abbreviation... But then you wouldn't capitalize "An ellipse" I don't know. Revise that?

I love the line "ends night's poetry." because I know what that means. I think. because the whole thing is about being too clingy and you would a one night stand is "poetry" because it's beautiful but a poem doesn't last forever, but it can stay in your mind for quite some time.

I don't know what you were going for, so this may be confusing XD but it's okay if your reader doesn't know exactly what you were going for because then they can make it what they make it.

Hope you can understand some of this xD

Best wishes,

Kam