Hope. Fight.
Light? Ha!
No, only darkness.
But, I’ve seen it.
You’ve barely glimpsed it.
It was blissful…
Impossible!
It seems as though
Your imagination is great.
No!
I saw it,
It is there.
Hope eventually fails.
Does not!
Defensive much?
But..
Hope is a crutch,
Helping you to ignore the pain.
But I’ve seen it
Sure, you think you have
News flash!
You haven’t.
Or you’re playing me
What?!
Defensive much?
I will fight
To see Hope again.
I can fight..
And you will help.
No
No!
You won’t!
I still have power over you!
Of course you do,
You are going to continue
To make me stronger by haunting me.
Oh? And just who can look me in the face?
How long can you fight,
Huh?
Certainly not longer than you have already.
Certainly your time is up.
Well..
I have been fighting this long
I will continue to;
I must.
For who
Yourself? Against me?
Bah.
Yes,
I will fight for myself
That is who I need
To fight for
You will watch
As I dig myself out of my grave.
No!
You are going to be there,
For I have survived your torment
My other side and...
I have been there as you torment
My every thought
Twisting my reality..
Despairing.. self loathing..
Leave me alone!
I am strong..
Strong..
Weak.. Fool..!
It won't work anymore!
You know what?
I can do this.
Now now, you can't
What if you fail?
What if I don't?
But!!
No.
It is time
May Light
Please shine through:
My Hope.
~Selfishness vs self-confidence~ The world isn't black and white, so stay strong. grey is okay too.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi, Cynder!
I'm here as you requested in a PM!
So, I like the two voices. I think there's the potential for a nice dynamic there -- conflict is what drives us to tell stories most of the time, and it rarely gets more direct than two voices speaking their conflict so plainly.
I think the biggest problem in this poem is that it's a little bit too vague! I know we're talking about hope -- that's clear in the title and the last line, but I'm not actually quite sure what the other voice speaking is. Is it doubt? Is it just self-doubt? The confidence voice mentions it will be helped by the other voice, and I had the feeling when I was reading that it was kind of referring to a specific situation where self-doubt would help somebody find hope again. That's just my feeling, so if it's TRUE for you while you were writing it, I would ask what you would with about bringing in some specific details! I ask because with specifics, the reader might be able to more concretely understand your message and clearly take away something.
Otherwise, we've just got a poem that sounds like... you know, when people make vague posts on Facebook that you have no idea what they're talking about even though you know they're from an emotional place?
I hope these thoughts make sense to you and are helpful as you continue writing!!
PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions/comments.
Good luck and keep writing~
Hannah
Thanks I'll try and edit it. It needed something, and I hope to bring it back to life.
Hi Cynder!
So, this is very interesting and lengthy. I honestly don't understand it at all, but you're brain works differently than mine does. Maybe sometime you could explain it to me.
I see that it's some sort of conversation, and that one is trying to convince the other of something. Something about hope.
These lines were my favorite. I understood them and truly enjoyed them.
In fact, I enjoyed your entire poem, but for plenty of instances you could have inserted more poetic elements. Throw in some rhyme, imagery, alliteration, similes, and metaphors. As magpie said, lengthen some of your lines. Once you add these things it will evolve into more of a poem.
Hopefully you can take our advice into account and improve this poem. It has potential!
Hi there!
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
Does this switch between two people talking? If so, you need to make that clearer. As it is, I really have no idea who is talking to whom, and i also have no idea what the poem is about. A good way to do this is to play with the format. You could have one side's words on one side of the page, and the other on the other side of the page. You can play with italics, or with indenting the lines of one of the perspectives. The ways are endless, and this poem needs you to implement one.
Something that might help the clarity is if you were to left align this. As it is, the format is very distracting.
The rhythm of this is very choppy. Combine lines to make them longer and smoother.
I have determined that this poem is about someone arguing with themselves about hope. I don't know if this is doing well as traditionally formatted poetry; perhaps prose poetry is the way to go for this one.
In poetry, it is important to show imagery. What does hope look like? What does it smell like? Why did the one side glimpse it and think it was blissful? Don't tell us that they thought it was wonderful, show us how wonderful it is. In poetry, showing and not telling is very important.
I do like the idea of this poem, the two sides arguing about hope, but the execution needs some work in order to properly convey the ideas to the audience. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
Thank you that's very helpful actually. I had thought about that but I wrote it late in the night and so it didn't come out as thoughtful as it could have. But thank you I'll try and edit it
I hope that fixed it up some.