Emerson

Jon straddled him and put his hand over his Kyle's forehead, feeling for fever. odd. Kyle, I need you let go of me. For just a second, okay?" You're missing ...

Lips and Knees? Were you feeling to shy to say anything else? Is this some reference to something because otherwise knees aren't all that attractive. (Mine aren't.) "What did she ...

They're very cute, and childish ;-) I love them. But your all too noticeable lack of dialog hurts them. Punctuate :-D I know you know better than this! Oh: and ...

The rhythm you used was....odd. But credit for using rhythm at all. But they have no value, they=the words? It's hard to tell what you are talking about. And the ...

Where. the fucking hell. are we?" should 'the' and 'are' be capitalized? It looks odd this way, it looks like it was an accident (Honestly I didn't see the period ...

"Then explain it to me," pressed Kyle, his anger rising to the surface . "Or am I just a substitute for those cold and lonely nights on the road? Those ...

Dr. Laurentz snapped his finger Don't you usually snap your fingers ? “Yes,” Sarah threw her hands up, “yes I fucking changed all of them. I had no choice—don’t you ...

he caught Jon's eyes and held it I think you should change it to stare. Or, if you don't make it "He caught Jon's eyes and held them " which ...

Why is there a little girl outside at a play ground in the middle of the night!? It started out good, and I thought I would like it but then ...

The Lord purifies demons, sending them back to Hell. if he purified them, why is he sending them to hell? I like the idea behind it, though really it is ...

I think the above caught some stuff I wished to point out... you should read over it a little, there are several verbs out of the right tense. You have ...

interesting poem, but I feel that the only thing making it a poem is the fact the it is in verse, otherwise, it is still a story, isn't it? I ...

weeee zombies! I'm excited to see them meet, and I really wish the mean people would stop messing with kyle's/jon's/sarah's (even though I hate her) idea of wtf is going ...

:-D Arsum, lol. Grif finished his moderating paces relatively quickly . That sounds weird... This was rather entertaining. Though the voice is strange xD but I think that is the ...

My only critique is that it has almost a complete absence of punctuation, making it a sort of run-on-sentence-poem. Poetry & Punctuation by me, might help you out a bit ...