Last night I went to the pond side,
I looked at the fish, the fish dove,
I looked at the stars, the stars dimmed.
Saddened I looked at the spider weaving his net,
Spider, spider, what prey are you waiting for?
He only grinned and continued to weave.
My dear sweet one, it is only those who are foolish that I wait.
Confused, I approached the spider.
And why is that? I ask.
For those who are foolish can gladly be good company to me.
Even more confused, I flew closer to the spider.
And why would they be good company?
He only smiled in response.
Just then, a thin silky substance of the spider's string caught my wing.
Struggling, I attempted to pull myself out of it
But instead, I became what the spider had waited for
A tasty midnight snack of his own.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This is very interesting. I liked the beggining part no doubt but the end sort have surprised me. I expected that to happen, but I mean I was also expecting some sort of lesson blended in. And if there was a lesson I don't think it was clear or brought through in means of poetry. That's just me though
. Maybe you just meant this to be a poem/story like your "Beautiful" poem?
Besides the puctuation that could be changed at Clau described this was a nice poem.
Keep at it!
~Rieda
interesting poem, but I feel that the only thing making it a poem is the fact the it is in verse, otherwise, it is still a story, isn't it?
I think the punctuation here should be changed. Perhaps " I looked at the fish: the fish dove." but having them all as commas is not proper.are you missing the word "for" somewhere in this line? I feel like you are...
Also, your spacing makes it impossible for me to tell if there are any stanzas/verses or if it is all one block of text. With poetry, you have no need to space it out like you did.
It wasn't bad by no means but it didn't exactly stand out either. I think if you want to make it more poetic, perhaps you should consider putting it with rhythm? Though not all poems contain rhythm, or rhyme, this one just feels rather dull on its own.
If you have any questions or don't understand something I said feel free to PM me.