Published March 17, 2007
Tears slowly falling,
Scars all over my heart,
You want me to feel this pain.
My love slowly dies,
My heart begins to ache,
My soul slowly leaving me.
You say you love me,
But they have no value,
And you continue to strike.
You whisper to me,
“Come right into my arms,”
And shivers run down my spine.
As you hold me close,
You tell me to not speak,
And you say that I am dead.
Your cold words were right,
You struck me all too much,
And the void in your eyes tell.
You now rot in jail,
For everything you did,
And I had to pay the price.
No pain comes to me,
Rotting below the ground,
And I sleep a dreamless dream.
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Just practicing some rhythm and I thought this was the best I have done with it through all the poems I did so far with rhythm. I also had to make sure I had the same syllables all throughout the poem D= I think I did it right, but I might've miscounted somewhere XD
I was thinking about adding some rhyming, but that didn't work out at all in this one when I was practicing, so I scratched it out... for the time being =D
Also: I bet I have some repitition for 'And' XD Hooray for me =3 That's all I found that was wrong. (In my eyes at least.)
Any feedback? =D
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Yeah, i agree, the rhythm was hard to get up on, but i liked the fact that you were trying to get the raw, shattered feeling in it. maybe you shouldn't try so hard to fix it. just kind of let it flow......(maybe that's why i can get only one good poem out a month? yeah?)
but yeah....keep working!!
---Lora
Give the first two stanzas an agonizing, horrible death. Please. They are the definition of navel-gazing.
With that said, once those two stanzas are over, the rest of the poem is fairly interesting, plotwise. Although, I'm interested in what he did. Is there anyway that you can fit his crime in a poetic way? That might make the reader feel more for the character without navel-gazing... hmmm...
Happy editing!
I liked this poem and the rhythm was, as Claudette mentioned, rather subtle but it still worked. Actually I did notice the rhythm before you mentioned it but only because I've experimented with a similar style...
Other than that I'd only be repeating what the others have said for suggestions but it does have potential and the theme is good so just expand your language and poetic techniques.
You say you love me,
But they have no value,
And you continue to strike.
I think maybe you should change the second line to words have no value, because as it's written it's hard to tell what it is exactly that you're talkin about, ya know?
Some of the words and stuff in this I think were a little cliche, and while it's pretty much impossible to avoid cliches at the same time it would make it more interesting and spice it up if you put a twist on the cliche and your own stamp on it so it's not so...cliche, ya know?
I also don't think you have to have the same number of syllables in each line to ensure rhythm, but maybe that's just me. I think that really restricts what you could do with this, ya know?
But over all, again this was a really good write, and I would love to see how awesome it would be with some rewrites!!
The rhythm you used was....odd. But credit for using rhythm at all.
they=the words? It's hard to tell what you are talking about.Tell what?
I still think you are restraining yourself of all the beautiful words out there that you could be using. With the subject matter of the poem, you could have turned this into some violent poem with blood and tears splattered in it but it's just...moderate, at best. (I'm being harsh, to help
The rhythm you picked was odd because it was so hard to pick up on, I went back and counted and thats the only way I even KNEW it had rhythm at all, besides you saying it did. That's not exactly how you want to do rhythm, though you can do it that way. I think here, it restricted you more than anything, it made you use less.
Emotional poems are fun, but hard to do. You don't want to tell the reader about what is going on, you want to make them feel what is going on. Make the reader feel like they are being beaten, like they are dead, like they were betrayed and are lying in the cold ground. Really, you could have taken this poem anywhere and you seem to have let it sit and do nothing.
I want to ask something in general that will probably improve the quality of the poem: Who is the abuser? The father? The boyfriend? The brother? The mother? The stranger, even? The teacher? Who it is will strongly change the impressed the abused person will have of them, we barely see at all what the abused person thinks of this. It's more telling than feeling and showing and emotions, which is what you want. (Though, no emo poetry, do it right
Good job for trying the rhythm