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The monster within | Chapter Three |

by vampricone6783


*This is chapter three of my fanfic “The monster within”. This fanfic is based off the R.L. Stine movie “Monsterville: Cabinet of Souls”. It takes place a year later. This chapter is told in Luke’s POV and includes a flashback with all four of the main four characters from the movie. In the movie, Beth and Kellen talk about a time he cried on Halloween because “older kids took his candy”, so I put it in the flashback. You can read the rest of the chapter underneath my folder titled “The monster within…”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!

LUKE

Nicole gets this look in her eyes. The look that says she’s got a plan.

The devious look.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. I can’t believe that she didn’t think of it before. It just seems so obvious. I mean, Nicole is a witch, right? Witches have magical powers, therefore they can-

“I got nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.” Nicole says. She looks so sad and defeated. Like she really wanted something to work. If I’m being honest, Beth’s the one who always get her plans to work. Nicole had always seemed jealous about it. Like she wanted her plan to work for once. I don’t like when she gets miserable. I don’t like when anyone gets miserable. I just want people to be happy, because it makes me happy. It’s really awkward when someone in our group is upset, anyway.

Or maybe I’m just overthinking things.

“Let’s just put on makeup. If you listen to me, it won’t take too long.”

“Alright.”

For the first time in my life, I don’t feel like making a joke.

Weird…

……………………………………………………………….

FLASHBACK-OCTOBER 31st, 2006.

NICOLE

Nicole hoped that Luke wouldn’t find her. She was hiding behind the neighbor’s bush. He would never look there.

As if him spilling candy on her pretty Princess dress wasn’t bad enough, he wanted to share his candy with her. She couldn’t share! Boys, especially Luke, had cooties!

“Hiya, Nicky Ricky.” A familiar voice said.

Oh no!

Luke!

LUKE

Luke smiled at Nicole. She was scared at the moment, but she would stay once he showed her his AMAZING JAWBREAKER!

Kellen told him that girls liked candy. Kellen was the cool kid, so he MUST be right.

Luke reached into his bag and took out a green and blue jawbreaker. He was planning to eat it himself, but he thought that Nicole would like it better.

“Please come out.”

She stayed hidden.

“I’m sorry, Nicole. Just please come out. I have a jawbreaker for you.”

“NO WAY! Boys have COOTIES!”

“No they don’t!”

“Yes they do!”

“How do you know?”

Nothing.

“They don’t have cooties.” Luke said.

“I’m THINKING! WAIT.” Nicole cried out. She just didn’t like to lose. She was a “sore loser”, as his Mommy would always say.

But he still liked her.

Luke walked up to the bush and slid the jawbreaker inside.

He bent down and peeked inside.

Nicole was licking the jawbreaker. She was supposed to bite it, but licking it was fine.

“Do you like it?” Luke asked.

Nicole stuck a blue tongue out at him.

Kellen was right.

SHE LIKED IT.

KELLEN

They took his candy. Those big mean kids took his candy and now he had nothing.

Kellen couldn’t help it. He just HAD to cry. There was nothing else to do. All of his candy was gone. The worst part was that Beth would see him cry. Beth. The pretty and nice girl. His new friend.

She would see him cry.

BETH

“What’s wrong, Kellen?” Beth asked, sitting next to him. She wished that she had a tissue with her to wipe his tears.

“M-m-my candy was t-t-taken by the b-b-big k-k-kids.” He said before sobbing into his hands.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Want a lollipop?” Beth asked, taking out a strawberry lollipop from her bag and offering it to him.

Kellen smiled and wiped his eyes before taking the lollipop.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

……………………………………………………………….

LUKE [PRESENT DAY]



Nicole shakes herself out of her disappointment and smiles at me. It’s not real, I know what fake ones look like. But I don’t say anything. We’re under a lot of stress already.

“It’s alright. I have makeup. Sit down, Luke. You need it more than me.” Nicole says.

I walk over to a vacant whicker chair and take a seat. I don’t like the smell of makeup, it’s incredibly strange, but again, I can’t come to school in clownface.

What’s the difference? I’m just showing who I am on the inside.

“What’s so funny?!” Nicole asks.

Oops. I guess I did a little chuckle in real life. My bad.

“Chillax. I was just thinking about something rather humorous.” I say.

Nicole rolls her eyes at me, but I saw a teensy, weensy, real smile on her face before it disappeared. She can’t deny what she really thinks of me. I know it, but she doesn’t.

She will one day, Luke. Don’t worry about it now.

Nicole walks up to her vanity and takes out her insanely large bag of makeup that somehow manages to fit in her vanity drawer. 



Maybe she was always a witch.

That would make sense, considering her “good girl attitude” and how she “never gets anything done”. Nicole says those things from time to time. She gets more laughs than me from the ol’ friend group, that’s for sure. Even when she doesn’t mean to and that’s about 99% of the time.

She opens up the bag and takes out a bottle of foundation that looks like putty. Goodness, I don’t know how she puts that stuff on her face every day. Nicole doesn’t even need foundation. She has no acne, no bruises. Her skin is perfectly clear. Even now, with purple bags under her eyes and black mascara lines drooping from her face like wrinkles (The effect of being a witch. Nicole didn’t put makeup on yesterday, it just appeared), and her hair sticking in ends all around her, as though she were electrocuted, she’s…nice. She looks like one of those high-end fashion models. Then again, she always looks like a fashion model, with her long, soft, black hair, her sparkling brown eyes, and her sweet smile she rarely ever uses. She’s not tall like one, but she’s still…

DUDE! What are you thinking?! She’s your FRIEND! She just happens to look NICE!

“Now, hold still. Don’t move a muscle. Don’t even ask to go to the bathroom. I need to get this done and STAT!” Nicole says. She’s standing in front of me, with a blush thingy in her hand that has a drop of foundation on it.

“Whatever you say, your highness!” I reply, giving her a salute.

Nicole does one of her oh-so lovely eye rolls before applying the foundation to my face. Already, I want to bolt. It feels so tingly.

This is going to be harder than that math exam. I just KNOW it!


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Fri Jun 14, 2024 3:24 pm
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LuminescentAnt wrote a review...



Hey vampricone! I haven't reviewed this series in a while, but I hope I can catch up to the most recent chapters.

So, a flashback, huh? I think flashbacks are a great writing tool to help develop character or the story and plot. It seems like what we learn from the flashback is that Nicole was at first hesitant to be friends with Luk because she was convinced that boys have cooties. We also learn that Beth is very kind and comforted Kellen when they were younger. It's nice to read a more sweet side of the story that is sort of less stressful because they are younger kids and don't have to worry about turning into monsters and such. It's interesting that Nicole's personality when she was younger is very different from her when she is older, and she is sort of more emotional and dramatic I guess?

In the flashback, Luke says that Nicole is a sore loser, but he still likes her despite this fact. Why does he still like her? Does he think she's funny? Does he like her personality? I know they are just little kids but I'm just curious.

I like the realistic-ness of the flashback, as in they do act like kids and say the kind of things kids would say, like how Nicole thinks boys have cooties, or that Luke thinks that since Kellen is the cool kid, he must be right. These kinds of slightly immature and illogical but kind of funny ideas make sense for their age.

Luke and Nicole's relationship is interesting and kind of awkward, and a little funny from Luke's perspective. He keeps thinking random things about Nicole and how she acts and how he sees her. There was a lot of development of their relationship in this chapter, which I think you did well, and also the scene shows their character and how they interact with each other.

One thing though - I can't help but feel like the pacing for this chapter was just a teensy bit slow. It seemed like it took an awfully long time for her to just sit down and help him with his makeup. There were some parts where they sort of had mini arguments about the same thing, which is that Nicole has this default attitude of disliking Luke and thinking he is being annoying, but I feel like that is already established? This might be just me though.

One last thing! I think you made a typo here:

She opens up the bag and takes out a bottle of fountain that looks like puddy.

I think you meant "foundation" instead of "fountain" and "putty" instead of "puddy".

Overall, I think this was an interesting chapter about Luke and Nicole's relationship, although the pacing could be a little quicker in terms of plot and stuff happening. I hope to read more of this series and that you will continue writing it!

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Sat Dec 02, 2023 2:51 pm
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PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.


Per my interpretation, this was a really great chapter in what I assume is a really great novel! It started off really well and ended in a place that makes you excited for the next chapter. There was great character development, as we most certainly learned more about the characters, and the whole chapter seemed very well put together.


If I could offer any sort of advice, I think it would have something to do with the flashback. The way you wrote it isn't wrong, but it makes for a weird little interjection in the middle of the chapter.

The title of it's fine—the part that says FLASHBACK, however, I feel like you could have changed tenses in the flashback to better show that it is indeed a flashback. Perhaps instead of saying what they were doing, you could say what they have done.

But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


If I had to pick my favorite part, it would be the way you built anticipation right at the very beginning. It started right in on the conflict, and there was no question that something was bound to happen.

Nicole gets this look in her eyes. The look that says she’s got a plan.

The devious look.


It sets the chapter up perfectly to go in any direction and also works great as a hook to draw the readers in, so kudos to you for being able to do that!

I also really like how in the flashback, when they were all younger, they all seemed to talk and act like kids. Especially the whole "girls will like me if I give them candy" thing. That's definitely something kids would genuinely believe, so great job being able to write that!


Overall, this was a joy to read! While there are some areas for improvement, they are miniscule and can go almost completely unchanged.

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this for everyone here to read, and I hope you enjoyed writing it and that my review was of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!





u can't have villains exist just 2 b villains
— ShadowVyper