z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

The monster within | Chapter One |

by vampricone6783


*This is a fanfiction of an R.L. Stine movie titled “Monsterville: Cabinet of Souls”. I won’t spoil too much, but I’ll give the gist. The movie stars four teens: Kellen, Beth (played by Dove Cameron), Nicole, and Luke. The two main characters are Kellen and Beth. It’s in a town called Danville. It takes place on Halloween. Dr. Hysteria and his assistant, Lilith, arrive in Danville with their “Hall of Horrors”. The kids all go to the Hall of Horrors. excited, but…something isn’t right. As it turns out, the Hall of Horrors has a magical cabinet that traps the souls of teens and turns their bodies into mindless Halloween monsters controlled by Dr. Hysteria. Beth is the one person who doesn’t get trapped and has to save her friends. Alright, I’ve said too much already, so let’s talk about the fanfic. The fanfic takes place a year after the events in the movie. The two main characters in this story are Nicole and Luke. The POVS will alternate. Right now, it’s Luke’s POV. I already made the introduction, you can check it out under my “Scary-ish stories” folder. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*

LUKE

I seriously didn’t expect Nicole to let me sleep here. I just wanted to talk and now I’m in a sleeping bag in her room.

It’s weird how I thought of going to her house. I mean, I could have gone to Kellen, who also turned into a monster, but I thought of Nicole. Why?

Eh, I don’t have time to worry about that. I’m kind of turning into a clown.

I remember when Dr. Hysterial cursed me. He said: ”Luke, you are mine.” After that, I sort of felt funny. Like I was the most hilarious person alive and everyone was too dumb to understand. I didn’t really feel like myself. I was always jumping around. When Beth saw me, I tried to tell her what happened, but then I just got so annoyed and made that stupid comment about her face. I don’t know why I thought what I said was funny, because it wasn’t.

It really wasn’t.

And now it’s happening to me again. I don’t understand. I think like myself and I look a little like myself, save for the clown makeup and the orange hair. My hair looks better orange than brown anyway. Like a ripe ol’ orange Nicole could sniff-

WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING? ORANGES ARE TO BE EATEN, NOT SNIFFED.

At least Nicole is going through this too. Not that I want her to go through this. I’m just glad that I’m not alone.

Hopefully by tomorrow morning this curse will be lifted and we’ll be back to normal. Hopefully Dr. Hysterical isn’t back.

Of course he’s not back, dummy. Beth killed him and his minions, you saw it with your own eyes. NONE OF THEM WILL COME BACK. EVER.

For now I’ll just wait till it’s time to wake the cranky ol’ witch.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
242 Reviews

Points: 16455
Reviews: 242

Donate
Mon Sep 04, 2023 5:31 am
View Likes
AkuRashomon wrote a review...



Hey. This is loveissourgrapes. I know it has been a while since I have reviewed something because I am really busy with school. I nearly misspelled my own username because I haven't been here in awhile. But I'll review this because I was tagged lol

What I liked in this story.
I think that this story has that personal touch of @vampricone6783's writing style. It doesn't even seem like a fanfiction to me. It also has that touch of horror vibe of feeling icky or something. Impressive for the first chapter by the way. Good job! keep it up!

What I think can improve
I think that there are minor grammatical errors and that I don't know if this sentence, paragraph or phrase is a thought. I don't know if some parts are in present day or a flashback. You can improve on these.

Over all, I think it was fun to read. I'm sorry that I am busy. But have a great day/night!




vampricone6783 says...


Do you want to be notified for future updates?

Thank you very much for reading. I appreciate it. :>



AkuRashomon says...


sure! slr



User avatar
121 Reviews

Points: 15926
Reviews: 121

Donate
Fri Sep 01, 2023 2:48 pm
View Likes
LuminescentAnt wrote a review...



Hi! I'm back, to review more of your stuff using the YWS S'more Method!

Okay, so I will probably be reviewing a lot of your stuff, so be prepared for a lot of notifications caused by me. Oh, and thanks for tagging me for this, by the way!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
Okay, so I read the introduction of this. I like this chapter, because it consists only of Luke's thoughts, which is an interesting concept. It gives us a lot of background and information on the story, and we can actually see inside his mind, and how he is slowly turning into a clown.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
Since the whole thing is Luke's thoughts, and you are really good at describing thoughts, so there wasn't a lot of stuff I thought you could improve. I don't know, maybe you could have Luke describe how he felt now compared to when Dr. Hysteria cursed him. Because Dr. Hysteria was supposedly defeated already, so did he feel different from then? I don't know, this is just something I came up with because I'm not sure what else to put here.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
Luke in this chapter seems to be thinking weird things because of the effects from turning into a clown, so his thoughts were important to describe, and you did a great job! I liked how you described how he felt when he was cursed by Dr. Hysteria, as that is a really important thing to know for plot and character development. And also the part about the orange shows that the clown thing is taking a little bit of a toll on his head, so he doesn't think the same way.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, this was a great second chapter, I'm glad you decided to continue this series! These kinds of chapters, with the point of view of a single character is really descriptive and helful to the storyline, I hope you will write more like this!
Happy Writing!





Hail Hydra
— Stan Lee