z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Off to save the day! (Avita’s song)

by vampricone6783


*This is from my “Town of Richardson” stories. This is underneath my folder titled “Town of Richardson”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*

I’m off to save the day!

Off to save the souls!

Those poor, desperate souls

Who are alone and need my help


William seems friendly

I wonder why he speaks ill of his father?


Isabella is calm enough

Too calm for a town of tragedy

Those little girls are vicious

They want this all to end

They won’t stop haunting me!

Leave me alone, please!


There’s a demon my sister is communicating with

A ten year old named Samuel

How can he be a boy?

How can we trust him?

What if he hurts her?

And a woman in black, a woman named Annabelle-Lee

She speaks of ghost stories to me

She speaks of a man named Lucas

A terrible man named Lucas

A man who was the father of William

And the wife of Isabella

Now I understand why William is this way!

Now I know part of the story!


There’s just one more thing I need to know

What’s with Bubblegum?

A lonely clown

A silent clown

What’s got him so down?

What’s his story?

Hey, maybe it’s not that important

Maybe his story doesn’t matter


I’m off to save the day!

Off to save the souls!

Those poor, desperate souls

Who are alone and need my help


I sure do hope I don’t become a soul

I sure do hope I live

I don’t want to die…


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 225
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sat Jun 15, 2024 4:09 am
View Likes
Byrdsong wrote a review...



Hi!! This a review of your song, but just to begin I really liked it.

" I’m off to save the day!

Off to save the souls!

Those poor, desperate souls

Who are alone and need my help"

-I like that we are in the perspective of the narrator, who I think(I'm sorry if this is not exactly correct) views themself as a hero for the town. Creating a superiority complex within the narrator, as he goes off into his day to observe the others. I also like the language because the firs two lines are so optimistic, and then they are contrasted by the second two which are rather soul aching.


"There’s a demon my sister is communicating with

A ten year old named Samuel

How can he be a boy?

How can we trust him?

What if he hurts her?

And a woman in black, a woman named Annabelle-Lee

She speaks of ghost stories to me

She speaks of a man named Lucas

A terrible man named Lucas

A man who was the father of William

And the wife of Isabella

Now I understand why William is this way!

Now I know part of the story!"

-I like this part of the poem, because I interpreted this as that the narrator is experiencing some internal conflicts, or issue which causes them to sign problems or situations to the souls they have to save. It makes me question as a reader, do these people really need help? is our narrator a reliable source? And I think that kind of conflict is extremely engaging and interesting as a reader.

"I’m off to save the day!

Off to save the souls!

Those poor, desperate souls

Who are alone and need my help"

-Loveeee the repetition here because I am obsessed with repetition because I think, especially in music, it makes a phenomenal impact and creates an urgent tone.

"I sure do hope I don’t become a soul

I sure do hope I live

I don’t want to die…"

I really like the way that this ends because I feel like our main character has been focusing on the well being/state of others around them, and ignoring themself. This heroic mentality might have led to the main character's demise as they may have lost themself, or already lost themself, in the situation they were trying to fix.

Overall it was so good!!




User avatar
451 Reviews

Points: 45164
Reviews: 451

Donate
Thu Jun 13, 2024 8:33 pm
View Likes
EllieMae wrote a review...



Image

Hola :D Ellie back again to leave you a review on this song! Let's get right into the review!

I’m off to save the day!

Off to save the souls!

Those poor, desperate souls

Who are alone and need my help


You use very simple language here. I notice a lot in your writing you use a lot of vivid details to describe people and how they look. But here it is a lot simpler, which makes sense because it is a song. It get's right to the point and tells a story. It feels almost as if you are speaking as a narrator. You do a great job describing lost souls!

Isabella is calm enough

Too calm for a town of tragedy

Those little girls are vicious

They want this all to end

They won’t stop haunting me!

Leave me alone, please!


I enjoyed how you go through different characters and provide a bit of an explanation or description of who they are and what they are experiencing and how they impact this character. The phrase 'town of tragedy' really stood out to me. You are sure good at telling a tragedy! On top of this song just being lyrics, it feels like whoever is singing is singing directly to me. With phrases ending in 'please' almost as she is begging us to stop or for her torment to end. It was very direct. And well spoken!

We see a bit repetition of the 'off to save souls' part again, which I really liked. I love that in music, when the ending or bridge mirrors the beginning message, but with some growth. That is so symbolic and beautiful in its own way.

I sure loved this ending:

I sure do hope I don’t become a soul

I sure do hope I live

I don’t want to die…


We leave on a bit of a cliffhanger and have built a lot. I love it! Overall, this was a lovely song and it would sure me nice to be able to hear these as actual songs someday, if you ever make anything. Lovely words and descriptions. Keep writing!

Your friend,
Ellie

Image




vampricone6783 says...


Glad you enjoyed!!! This song is underneath my folder titled %u201CTown of Richardson%u201D.



User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Tue Mar 19, 2024 4:05 pm
View Likes
Ashitaka says...



So you'ld lie to be unravell mysteries,and being a Savior. Great song:)





'Tis the season to shovel enormous amounts of watermelon into your mouth while hunched over the cutting board like a dehydrated vampire that hasn't fed on blood in four hundred years and the only viable substitute is this questionable Christmas-colored fruit.
— Ari11