Hey friend!! Oooh, I really liked the feel of this one.
At least they’re happy in Heaven
At least they can be together forevermore
You do a good job, introducing us to the mother and the father and the two children. Then, it really quickly took a turn into this more ominous and scary tone. You mentioned that they are in heaven, which makes us understand that they have died. This films me with a lot of questions… How did they die? Who did this to them? Well, let's keep reading, because I think you're going to answer those.
But Talia the witch
Ruled by love dipped in jealousy
She’ll burn in Hell
For all that she ever did
Oooh, so it seems like Talia must have done something to them! I love the contrast that you use here. You mentioned how the family will be in heaven together forever. But then you mention Talia, and how she will burn in hell for what she did. She must've killed them in a very wicked and horrible way. I would love to hear more about her story, and what made her so evil. Sometimes it's easier to write villains who have no reason to be evil, so I would love to learn more about her, and what made her this way. Perhaps someone killed someone that she loved or hurt her when she was younger.
Let this be a lesson
To never let hate rule you, kids
In the end, you mention how we should never let hate rule us, or lead our actions. It seems like Talia, which must've had a lot of hatred towards this family. Maybe resentment, or jealousy, too. I like how you switch tones in the ending, as if you were talking to children, or giving advice for future readers. It really draws me into the present and feels like you're speaking to me. Overall, this was a quick piece, but I enjoyed it! Keep writing, friend.
Your friend,
Ellie
Points: 66068
Reviews: 662
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