*This song/poem is underneath my folder titled “Binky Slinky the clown and other stories”. Gacha Club character designs are underneath my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Trista, the wife
Damon, the husband
George and Gavin, the children
At least they’re happy in Heaven
At least they can be together forevermore
But Talia the witch
Ruled by love dipped in jealousy
She’ll burn in Hell
For all that she ever did
Let this be a lesson
To never let hate rule you, kids
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I like the flow and length of this one, and the parable type nature of it by including the lesson at the end!
I think what works well for this one is the simplicity, the contrast between the characters who have a happy (ish) ending, and Talia the witch. I think to make this even clearer, you could consider breaking the stanza in two and having Talia's section be separate to really emphasise how she is different from the family of four.
Definitely one of your shorter pieces, but one of my favourites recently.
Thanks for sharing!
Icy
I%u2019m very glad you enjoyed this!
Hey friend!! Oooh, I really liked the feel of this one.
You do a good job, introducing us to the mother and the father and the two children. Then, it really quickly took a turn into this more ominous and scary tone. You mentioned that they are in heaven, which makes us understand that they have died. This films me with a lot of questions… How did they die? Who did this to them? Well, let's keep reading, because I think you're going to answer those.
Oooh, so it seems like Talia must have done something to them! I love the contrast that you use here. You mentioned how the family will be in heaven together forever. But then you mention Talia, and how she will burn in hell for what she did. She must've killed them in a very wicked and horrible way. I would love to hear more about her story, and what made her so evil. Sometimes it's easier to write villains who have no reason to be evil, so I would love to learn more about her, and what made her this way. Perhaps someone killed someone that she loved or hurt her when she was younger.
In the end, you mention how we should never let hate rule us, or lead our actions. It seems like Talia, which must've had a lot of hatred towards this family. Maybe resentment, or jealousy, too. I like how you switch tones in the ending, as if you were talking to children, or giving advice for future readers. It really draws me into the present and feels like you're speaking to me. Overall, this was a quick piece, but I enjoyed it! Keep writing, friend.
Your friend,
Ellie
So glad you enjoyed! ^v^