*This story is underneath my folder titled “Binky Slinky the clown and other stories”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1290. Enjoy!*
George hugged Gavin close, glad that he could finally reunite with his Mom, Dad, and little brother.
Estella was trapped in the same clown doll with him. She herself seemed frightened and desperate to escape, which was why he imagined she left without him at first.
He didn’t hate her, for she still freed him, in the end. He only wished that she freed him sooner.
“I’m sorry.” Estella said.
George flinched, startled. Gavin had run back to their parents, and it was just the two of them.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t free you sooner. It’s just that I was so happy to finally be in Heaven and I didn’t want to come back down here and…” Estella couldn’t continue, for tears began to stream down her face.
“George, come on! Play with me!” Gavin cried out.
“In a minute!” George yelled over his shoulder.
“You were trapped in there, and I escaped without you. I didn’t think to save you earlier, and I only came decades later. I’m so, so, so sorry-“
“Stop it. You don’t need to say sorry. What happened just happened. There’s nothing you can do to change it. You didn’t leave me there forever. We’re both dead, Estella. We were both terrified. The doll was bound to me more, and I would have needed your help to escape. You came and helped me. It doesn’t change the fact that I was trapped, but I don’t blame you for behaving the way you did. You’re only human. We’re flawed. I might have done the same thing if I were you. People are so keen on saving themselves that they forget about others. Yes, you took a long time, but you still came.” George said.
It was something that had dawned on him after death. Spending many years trapped in a clown doll could give anyone new insight on the world.
He wrapped Estella into a hug, stroking her hair as she sobbed.
“Let’s put this behind us now. We’re dead. It’s time for us to bury this.” George said.
Estella let go of him and nodded her head, wiping her tears away. She got up to join her family, and he got up to join his.
Humans still needed love, even after death.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
And one more, you are a prolific reviewer too afterall ^^
I still wish there was more context to your short stories… just some more information to set the scene, even in this snippets.
So this is here to describe how Estella deals with the guilt for escaping first and then being calmed down because everyone she hurt by it is very understanding. It was literally the only good choice in a really bad situation, huh?
“I don’t blame you for behaving the way you did. You’re only human. We’re flawed.“ I find these lines especially soothing :3
And the final line is very sweet too!
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this! I am trying to work on adding more descriptions with works, thx for reading!
Long story short, if I'm going to be brief, I should say that what works here THE MOST is the emotional heart of the story. If you strip back all the supernatural mojo-jojo, this is really just a forgiveness scene, and that part does come through. The image of two dead children, one having left the other trapped in a clown doll for decades, is bizarre and grim in a way that could have felt ridiculous and over the top, but instead it mostly lands as sad and rather unsettling. George’s response to Estella is the strongest part, because it gives the scene an actual moral center. There is something genuinely moving in the idea that death has made him more patient, more understanding, less petty.
That said, I think the prose is a little too direct in places, and the scene tends to explain its emotions rather than fully dramatize them. George’s big speech gets the point across, but it is also doing a lot of heavy lifting in a very overt way. I found myself wanting a little more restraint, a little more subtext, just so the feeling could breathe. The line about spending many years trapped in a clown doll giving him new insight is a good idea, but it is one of those moments where the writing could trust the situation more and explain it less. Also, I assume the bananas line is there for obvious reasons, but in the scene itself it completely breaks the emotional spell.
However, I will concluded by letting you know that I think this piece has more heart than your previous excerpt, which I also reviewed a little while ago. The premise is still very strange, but here I get the sense that the strangeness will actually end up servingf an actual emotional payoff instead of just intrigue. I would just tighten some of the dialogue, cut back a little on the explanatory phrasing, and trust the sadness of the situation more. The bones are good.