Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
*This story is underneath my folder titled “Binky Slinky the clown and other stories”. Gacha Club characters are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1125. Enjoy!*
GEORGE
George tried reaching out for Gavin’s hand, but he could feel himself being pulled away by someone.
“You think that I’ll just let you rest? That I’ll let you go. No, no…I need to show your father what he missed out on.” A woman’s voice echoed around him.
It had all happened so fast that it didn’t seem real, but he was still bleeding.
All around him there was blood. On the floor were the bleeding bodies of his parents and his little brother, Gavin. Holding onto him was the woman who had appeared in the middle of the night, using her powers to make them all bleed.
That was what they seemed to be, right? He wasn’t sure what it was, but what came out of her hands appeared to be a force of energy that got them all to simultaneously bleed.
“I’ll make you a clown…” The woman slurred.
The last thing he saw was Gavin’s frightened eyes before she damned his afterlife.
……………………………………………………
GAVIN
What was she doing with George? Who was that woman? Why did she hurt them all? What made her so mad? Why was she bad?
Gavin tried reaching out for George’s hand, but the woman was pulling him away.
Please don’t hurt him… Gavin thought before it all went dark, before he smelled the flowers of Heaven.
Hopefully everything would be okay.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hm I feel like the first sentence doesn’t really help with getting us into the scene. Where are we at,?
aww ☹Also the dialogue formatting continues to make me sad.
This feels very clunky: “ the woman who had appeared in the middle of the night”
And kinda a way to say ‘btw this is the woman from before’—but in the most uninteresting way possible. This could have been so cool with descriptions!
Wish this were longer and more descriptive.
Hi! This was a very interesting and unique read for me.
Please take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm no expert, and this is my first day on the site. I think that you did a great job evoking a very chilling tone and feeling to this story. This story is full of mystery. I had shivers running down my spine reading it. You did a great job making feel unique, but you also raised a lot of questions.
Maybe that was what you wanted to do. I'm just a tiny bit unclear of what exactly happened near the end. Like what exactly did the woman do to the boys. Maybe you want to leave the reader with questions. Maybe your goal was to make them feel confused. But if it wasn't, you might want to make this story just a tad longer. Try to explain what happened very clearly. Maybe dedicate a tiny bit more time to the ending. I don't know if you're trying to keep this under a particular word count, but if you aren't then I would recommend trying to write a longer version of this story.
You've got some great stuff here, don't get me wrong. I just think it would be even better if the ending was a little clearer.
Thanks for sharing your work:)
Ah! She killed them both with her magic and made George possess a clown doll.
Thx for reading!
Oh goooooodness, I have so many questions after reading this story!
Namely, who is this woman? And why? I sort of want to know her motivation, even if only a smidge, lol. Like, why does she want to make them a clown? Why is her speech slurring? I know this is part of the intrigue (Gavin has no clue who she is) but George knows a little bit more... though, even then it's vague. She wants to show her father... what he missed out on? Having his children bleed to death? Huh?
Having her a more defined character with defined motives will actually INCREASE the horror, not decrease it, so definitely do that! Even a couple more sentences can up the creep factor by a lot!
Also, this...
...is she damning George's or Gavin's afterlife? It's unclear as it's written. (Though later you say Gavin went to heaven, so maybe this is just for George? I dunno.)
Basically meaning that she hurts his soul in the afterlife after killing him, like making him upset and whatnot.
Thx for reading! I do have more under the folder I mentioned which might explain more, but your points are very valid!
Wait, but who does she hurt? George or Gavin? Or both? I need to know!
Both
But she traps George in a doll and Gavin goes to Heaven