*This story is under my folder titled “Binky Slinky the clown and other stories”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
Damon swept Trista up into a kiss, hoping that Talia wouldn’t destroy the wedding.
Talia was a good friend of his, but she needed to control her powers. Trista was a kind girl, and she didn’t know anything about magic, which was what he intended for her.
He’d never tell her about the field trip in elementary school, when Talia caused a forest fire. Trista wouldn’t believe him, and if he gave her proof of magic, she’d completely deny it in order to protect herself.
Talia was his friend, and she would stay that way.
When they were done kissing, the pipe organ music rose up, signifying their marriage until “Death do us part”. The crowd cheered, Trista grinned, clasping his hand affectionately.
Talia smiled, clapping along.
They were both older. They were both mature. Something like the forest fire wouldn’t happen again.
If Damon were to start a family with Trista, he’d keep that day a secret forever. From her, from the kids. Even as they began to change, it would still haunt him.
The best he could do was live his life.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
As far as introductory sentences go, this one certainly grabs attention! Makes me wonder if it's a good idea to invite her. Or maybe it's a 13th fairy type situation and better to have her than scorn her. Hmmm. Also kinda sus that Talia is a friend of Damon's and he didn't even tell his wife what to expect @.@
I wonder what Damon means by "keep that day a secret". It sounds like he'd tell Trista if he doesn't start a family with her. Still feels a little... mundane (despite the magic) that Talia's danger comes from her lack of control. It feels like you were going for something more sinister. Kinda gives that vibe, the story. And well, it sounds like nothing really happened either ^^° Except that he's not honest with his wife, that is. Probably for a good reason but I still feel like there might be a way to breech the topic, discreetly =D
He is talking about something that happened in his and Talia's childhood that scared him. Like he is talking about the time she burned an entire woods with her magic.
It scared him and he tries to forget it. This does not work. More is in the folder I mentioned.
Glad you enjoyed tho!
Hello @creeperfeverdreams Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
oh wow this work was so chilling! I could practically feel my heart speed up! This is really well written, balancing the happiness of the marriage and the subtle ominous foreshadowing hints really make the work that much more unsettling.
I found this bit in particular very chilling because it makes Damon sound so evil... what he intends for her? So very controlling, and speaks of such Machiavellian manipulation which is really enhanced by how sweet and innocent Trista seems. Really adds to the contrast.
Seems like Damon is really going to some lengths to keep things a secret, I wonder why..... especially something that goes as far as back as elementary school. Must be something truly terrible.
Under the magnifying glass
There are no mistakes….. O.O
This is very strange and needs investigation immediately, the Book of Toramu calls, find within the perfect novels the clues. Piece together the tales, find where the ship sails.... what was the rest of it....?I can find nothing to critique, Great Job!!
Closing the case
Overall this was an amazing short story, I look forward to reading more!!
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy. She has also asked me to wish you a "Happy Review Day!" - I'm assuming you know what this means.Until next time!!
—Olaf, “Disney on Ice,” by Jennifer Lee
Well, Damon himself is not entirely evil, BUT he knew someone who was a witch, who did something crazy in his childhood, and he is trying to keep her out. But he hasn%u2019t really communicated well with this witch girl, so she will come back%u2026
But that%u2019s all under the folder I mentioned in this story! Glad you enjoyed! :>