I lay on this floor frozen,
Stone cold and alone.
I watch the lives of everyone carry on
Around my still, lifeless body.
No one notices me laying here,
What I’ve become or how I’ve changed.
But really, in all honesty,
Am I different than I was?
No, I haven’t changed.
I still fall, and get hurt too quickly.
I still want what I know I shouldn’t.
I still, am me.
I haven’t learned anything,
Or really gained any knowledge
From what I’ve been through.
I still do the stupid things my heart tells me to.
I’ve come to face the reality though:
There will always be someone better,
More enchanting and likable,
Than this silly girl, me.
Lately I’ve found myself lost.
Maybe it’s because I’m too nice and sensitive.
Either way, I don’t know what to do
Or who to talk to.
So I ask you this:
Who do you turn to when you feel alone?
What do you do when you can’t rely on yourself,
Nor look internally for help?
Because at this point in life,
I have given up.
On myself
And others.
I tend to just smile and pretend nothing is wrong.
Even though at night
All these thoughts ambush me,
My head and heart.
I constantly am sleepless, my imagination in always hyperdrive.
All the possibilities that could have been,
All my time wasted on false hopes and crushed dreams.
Wishing that one day I will be kissed and awakened, saved.
I’m forever alone
In this abyss called life.
This darkness surrounds me,
Never letting me find The Light.
So I lay on this floor frozen, stone cold, alone.
And I watch the lives of everyone else
Carry on around my still, lifeless body.
Waiting for that one day, when my prince will come.
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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Timmy here for a review!
Yuss... I know its been a little while, and I am sowwy. But here I am now!
To be honest, I didn't notice the Disney references when I read this for the first time, and didn't notice it at all until I read the reviews below... I suppose that they are interlaced into your writing here, and that is neat. But I like how you don't make it the focus of your story. Just part of the poem, but not the focus. Almost like you are bringing a subtle image to the mind of your reader, and letting them decide what to think.
One thing I noticed is that your way of capitalizing each line, no matter if its a new sentence or not, is kind of like mine... I think it has something to do with Microsoft Word, who apparently thinks that they know everything about writing. <.< Stupid word processor. They capitalize every line.
Okay, so I will comment on this one line for a moment, and you need to bear with me, even though I tend to ramble after I get started on something. This may be just a stylistic preference, so you may have to bear with me on that, as well. Okay, here we go!
These two lines are the most powerful in your piece--or should be the one that give you a concrete feeling, one that determines the thoughts and physical and mental state of the character. It opens the poem, and either gives them a wow impression or a bleh--most of the time. In my opinion, this first sentence gave me neither. I couldn't praise it to the heaves, since it didn't draw me in like a rubber band, sucking me into the poem, but it didn't push me away either. It was just in the middle. Middle isn't terrible, but it isn't great either.
When writing the lines, think of the most powerful words you can say. You are cold. Great, right? Cold is a word easily understood and expressed. But try looking up in a thesaurus. Think of all the words that you could use to express cold. Icy, frigid, harsh--the list of words goes on. And technically, when you look up cold in a thesaurus, it comes across not as a feeling, but an emotional barrier, almost like being unfriendly. Word choice is essential when writing poetry, and can either make or break your poem.
You also have a faint amount of redundancy is the first sentence. Look at it: The first line says you are frozen, (which implies that you are, no doubt, quite cold, right?) but the second line says that you are stone cold, repeating yourself and your message. Doing that can strangle the point you want to push across, pulling your poem backwards rather than pushing it forward.
And remember. More visual, more better. Give the reader something they can feel. Something they can touch. A sensory description of what you are feeling here!
You missed a chance here! Think of poetry as riding a wave, while watching images flash through your vision. You want to slide along effortlessly on the words of the poem, and yet see this work wonderfully while you do so. So describe the night. Describe the thoughts. Give us something to grasp. Remember, night is scary. Night is visual, even though everything is black. Give us the internal thoughts, the imagined creatures that haunt you because you are all alone. Use that to your advantage!
Now that I look back on this review, it seems a little harsh, and that may just be how I write it. In all honesty, I truly love this poem. It speaks out to a lot of people, describes the emotions that flow through so many people in a way that few could do as effortlessly as you. It spoke out to me, explained to me the true passion you feel about this subject. It is a sad fact, but true, that many people ignore everyone else around them, focusing on their small world and ignoring those lying on the ground beside them. Trampling over their bodies, crushing them beneath them, almost like they don't even exist or are just a minor species--small enough to ignore.
Anywho, I think you expressed that very well, and it was the focus of the poem, which was amazing. Keep writing. You've got this!
~Darth Timmyjake
by Team Rocket.
Thanks for the awesome review! ^-^ You always write great ones.
WELCOME.
Hello, this is an interesting poem!
What is exactly this poem supposed to be? That wasn't entirely clear to me. I enjoyed the multiple Disney references, but I didn't understand them until the end, and I thought this poem was about something different in the first stanza. At first I thought it was about a girl wishing she was a princess, or just that she had love in her life-I don't know, I'm confused.
You've definitely got a solid base for an idea, but I think you can develop it even more. Right now, it's unfocused, but if you decide that you want to go down a specific path over another, I think you'd have a lot of room for growth. I'd like to see more of the main character, and who she is exactly. The poetic rhythm could use a little bit of work, too. Try to imagine the scene you're picturing in your head as vividly as you can when you write, and write down what you see. It's helped me with my poetry! Good luck!
by Team Rocket.
Thanks for the fantastic review!
Hello and Happy Review Day!
In the third stanza, it says "I still, am me" Is the comma there for a stylistic tempo choice? If it is, that's totally cool; you have the freedom to do that in poetry, but I might have a bit more consistency and have a few more commas purely to indicate pauses as appose for grammatical reason.
"I haven’t learned anything,/Or really gained any knowledge" I don't see the difference. This seems repetitive to me.
The lines in the tenth stanza are so much longer than the others; it detracts from the visual aesthetics of the poem. I might suggest cutting it into two stanzas or trimming it down.
I take issue with the message of your poem- maybe I'm understanding it wrong, but no girl needs a 'prince' to make her feel alive and whole. Kissing will not awaken and save one, it will just be lust-fulfilling. If she needs a guy to feel whole, she's going to be sorely disappointed and discover she's asking way to much from the guy. Maybe this is the point of the poem; that she's waiting for someone and the waiting is making her dead, but it needs to be a bit more clear if that's the case.
Overall, you do a really good job of intimating the sense of hopelessness and the emotion the narrator is feeling and have some nice imagery in here. I hope this review helped!
-tgirly
Thank you for the great review!
Hagen-Das. Lots and lots of Hagen-Das
Hey tkepjb! Strangelove here on this PokeReview Day and I have a quick review for you!
Alright, this was an interesting poem. You are a good poet, and I always enjoy reading your poems. Something about this didn't hit it off for me. I will explain later, but let me get onto the good stuff.
You have a nice pace. You don't rush it, but you don't slow it down. You describe the emotion of the narrator well, helping push this. The narrator is somewhat likable (will elaborate more) and you keep it so readers can relate to it.
A problem with this is that of the narrator. The narrator is the main problem, the whole theme. It's not that bad, but it goes through what they see. It seems like the narrator just lays there and does nothing. There's always someone better than them. Why? Because they do nothing. That's what I interpreted. You have to do something to make a name of yourself (Unless your last name is Kardashian. Kim sure did make a name of herself, though). If they are waiting, they sure will eventually find Prince Charming. If it's really long, you ought to speed it up by doing something.
Overall, good job.
Strangelove gives you...
7.8/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TeamPlasmaStruck
Thanks for the awesome review!
Uni here for a review!
SO... This is amazing! This is very good! This is awesome! This is great! That is technically all I am going to say if I don;t dig deep. Because THIS IS AWESOME!
So this is about as deep as I can get into revising this poem: I really really like this, but I feel there is a few to many paragraphs explaining her mind and stuff. Keep the last three cause those were my favorite, but I think It was a little to long. Try taking out these: So I ask you this:
Who do you turn to when you feel alone?
What do you do when you can’t rely on yourself,
Nor look internally for help?
Because at this point in life,
I have given up.
On myself
And others.
See, I really like these, but I feel that you switched perspectives on us really fast, and they seem a little awkward in a way... I dunno. Sorry, my mind is all hyped up after reading this...
Um...yeah... So this is beautifully written, and the descriptions were quite admirable. Boy, do you have a way with words...
Keep up the gorgeous writing! <3
~Uni
Thanks for the awesome review!! I do feel like it is a tad bit long and it sounded worse when I first wrote it. But thanks again and I'll take your thoughts under consideration!