As the impenetrable darkness of the night
Bleeds into the quiet lull of the morning sun,
I am faced with the despondency borne
Of yet another evening without you.
On the eve of your departure,
I grappled with my immeasurable emotions,
But the most difficult battle of all
Was the acceptance of "goodbye".
My resignation to your absence
Has brought me to my knees
Time and time again
As I beg for one last chance
To be graced by your fatalist love.
For the unforgiving passing of time
Had made me all but immune
To the halfhearted tolerance
That you convinced me was love.
In life and in death,
You have always been strong;
At times, though, your unwavering indifference
Was a fault of its own.
And now, as the tranquil afternoon sun
Bleeds into the anxiously empty night,
I see your face in the stars,
And the remains of your resolve
In my heart.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Wow really good poem. I could really understand the strength of your emotion in the way you wrote. My favorite part I'd have to say is the way you tied in the beginning and the end and gave an amount of time to how long you miss this person, (which is every day and every night); this especially expressed the amount of emotion that's being experienced. I will say a lot of the words used here were very unusual, and I know this was probably intentional, but I feel the different words disrupted the flow of the piece and that if they were slightly different, the poem would work better. One example is, fatalist love, which is probably like that for a reason, but I couldn't read the rest of the piece without stopping at that line, and at other lines with unusual words. If the term was slightly changed to fatal love, I think that'd work a bit better. Another part I found confusing, is the fact that the person in the poem is missing someone a great deal, but then the third and second to last stanza makes it appear that this person they're missing doesn't quite deserve it; I thought that was strange considering there is a whole poem about the person. However, there's most likely a reason behind these choices that I'm just not seeing, so if that is the case, feel free to disregard this review, lol:) I enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to read more from you!
Thanks so much for your feedback!
I did struggle a bit when coming up with descriptive terms in particular with this poem. I think I'm overthinking the actual writing process and trying too hard to blend storytelling elements with a more elevated vocabulary, so I'll definitely take your comments into consideration.
The poem was meant to express some very conflicting feelings so I'm glad that you picked up on it, though I apologize for the confusing way it was actually implemented hahaha
Thank you again!!
Of course
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**My Thoughts**
Hey tgham99! LZ here (again!) for a review! I enjoyed this poem. I really like the subjects you write about, it's really interesting and you write really well!
**Formatting and Grammar**
Your formatting is great! I don't know if you meant to do this, but you did two stanzas with four lines, then one with five lines. Repeat. I didn't notice it at first, but when I was looking to see how many lines you used in each stanza, I noticed!
The grammar was great! I really liked your choice of words! It is really unique and as I said before, I really like your plots.
**Punctuation and Capitalization**
Your punctuation was fine. I did notice you only used commas in certain stanzas, but not all of them.
Capitalization was also fine!
**Quick Review**
Everything was good! I noticed something in formatting (not a bad thing)!
Keep on writing, I love reviewing your pieces, and have a wonderful 2020!
Thanks for your review!! Yes, I did intentionally experiment with a few of the stanzas in terms of length to try out a more freeform structure rather than a stricter four-line-stanza format that I've tried out often in the past. Glad you liked it!!