I walk silently
Through the woods
Trying not to make footprints
In the new fallen snow
A golden bird follows me.
In its high voice
It commands me
To run
I obey
Now it wants me to dance
Through the branches
Around the tree trunks
It is the wrong dance
The golden bird
Says it wants to
Hurt me
To hit me with its sparkling wing
I’m stupid
I return to my silent walking
I know this does not please
The bird
But it will be tolerated
For a time
Then I will have to dance
Yet again
But not the right dance
I might never know
The right dance
But for now
I trail
Softly through the woods
Always with
The golden bird
Watching my every move
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140,819 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
a solid poem. the only thing i suggest is that you should make your lines longer. i found it kind of awkward to read, it being all split up. but some people may like it as it is. do what you will. that's my two cents. keep on writing.
-zalarus
This is a very interesting poem that you have here, my friend. Is the Golden bird perhaps a metaphor for some force within your real life? Or maybe the lives of us all... Curious... I suppose this is down to my interpretation, and it might not be the preferred reading.
Your ideas are very clever, I like them a lot. I also like the narrative structure of this poem, it creates a feeling of myth and fable; as if I were sat by a fire as a child being told folk lore by my grandfather. Very nice
However there are some ways in which I think this poem could be improved.
The first is the lexis. Do not be afraid of using some unusual vocabulary, or even of introducing some arcane language to heighten the feeling of lore.
This is not grammatically correct. You mean "That I'm stupid".
There is no need for the suffix "ing". `Walk' would suffice, also it would scan better.
I don't know what it is, but the phonology (that is to say; the sound) of this sentence is lovely.
Overall, a very well done. Please bare in mind that these are only my opinions and they are no better than anyone Else's. Please keep writing. Oh, and have a star! :p
Love
Kris
x
Hi Sunlight. It's been over a month, due to being grounded; sorry. Reviews on poems are not my strong point so this is my best shot.
In the newly fallen snowI think it may be better like this:
Says it wants to hurt me;
To hit with me its sparkling wing [Is there more than one sparkling wing? If so, it should be wings.]
I think May instead of Might may should better here but that's just nitpickiness.
Is it an actual bird or is it a metaphor for someone else?
Anyway, good job on the poem and I hope I helped.
-always
Interesting...I'm trying to figure this out metaphorically. Does the golden bird stand for someone or something? An authority figure, perhaps, someone abusive? And why does he wish for a dance? Does the fact that he is golden signify anything? Meh, maybe I'm too blonde.
He is forceful, but tolerant...for a time. As for structure, it's well set up for a free verse poem - I especially liked the lack of punctuation at the end of the lines. That might bother some people but I think it's effective here.