Young Writers Society

silverSUNLIGHTx wrote:Screams that could pierce any heart
Float toward the blackened heavens
Chaos
The civilized world
Gone under
Plunged into eternal night

Yikes. It's a good start, compelling and frightening, but I still had to say "Yikes".

silverSUNLIGHTx wrote:Where there are no happy endings
Nothing else exists
Chivalry dissolved
Courtesy derailed
Black
Frozen
Icicles
Waters tremble with human fright
Death lurking
Beneath the surface
Stealing every life possible
In its icy grip

Not realistic, but interesting. Good work.

Hi! I thought you had some good ideas, but this seemed unfinished to me.

Screams that could pierce any heart
Float toward the blackened heavens
Chaos
The civilized world
Gone under
Plunged into eternal night

I thought this was a good start. I'm not sure if punctuation would be beneficial or if actually, in this case, the poem is better as it is.

I would say find an alternative for 'float', because it kind of contradicts your image of piercing screams.

Where there are no happy endings
Nothing else exists

'Nothing else exists'? You didn't say what does exist, only that there are no happy endings.

Chivalry dissolved
Courtesy derailed

Liked the comments on society.

Black
Frozen
Icicles

I would cut this - it doesn't add anything.

Waters tremble with human fright
Death lurking
Beneath the surface
Stealing every life possible
In its icy grip

I like this section, but I think you should swap 'stealing' for another, more powerful word.

I think the main thing to expand on in this poem is the cause of the chaos. This was why the poem came across as unfinished. You just say the world has fallen apart. I wanted to know why this came about. I also think you could come up with a better title, because at the moment it isn't very reflective of the poem.

Good luck!