Shivers roll down my arms
Like an avalanche
It almost hurts
This reaction
Your eyes
Are so intense
Brown and
Focused
I’m dying to know
What’s happening behind them
Your hands
Catch me off guard
They’re beautiful
Strong
Sculpted
Tan
It feels wrong
How much I want
To hold them
In mine
This hurdle
Feels a mile tall
I can’t see
The other side
Confusion
Is my forte
Honey,
I hope you can
Handle it
Strap in
This ride will
Be
Interesting
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140,808 Literary Works • 673,689 Reviews
I really like this. The part about the "sculpted" hands was well described, I liked it. However, I agree with MiriamHannah; I thought the end could be altered slightly.
[/quote]Strap in
This ride will
Be
Interesting[/quote]
Ending with the word "interesting" seemed to be a little too vague and random. But overall, I think this is a well written piece.
I love this poem. It speaks to me. There is honestly so much emotion in this, I can just feel it... Especially in the lines "I’m dying to know / What’s happening behind them" and "It feels wrong / How much I want / To hold them / In mine."
Excellent job.
I like this. Yes, you do need to add punctuation, no one on this site will like you if you don't. About the subject, i don't normally like love stuff either but it's a crush, we've all been there and you describe it remarkably well. I'm not sure about the ride stuff, it sound a bit too much like sexual connotation for me, but the other verses. I do really like it.
Keep writing and PM me if you need any help adapting it.
Miriam
First of all, this should be in lyric poetry, and nowhere else.
Secondly, I don't like heart-aches, most of them sound so "emo".
Thirdly-no punctuation?! It's like your parents ask you how much money they will give you and you say 10$ instead of 20. I don't get it.
The stanzas are too dynamic-you have a quatrain, then a tercet, then a doublet, then something with X verses, then with XY-stop! Make up your mind. And that also stands for the verses-some of them are quite long and the others are, well..it's good that they are even here (eg. pre-last verse).
I don't know, it just doesn't fell right.
Hi silversunlightx,
Bad transition from one extreme to another. It would make sense if one was parodying the other, but the tone of the writing - and the stanzas after - suggest that you are being perfectly serious about it. If so, if something is like an avalanche, it does not make sense to describe it as "almost" hurting. Since when is anything "almost" about a gigantic avalanche? The imagery suffers, change it.
Cut this entire stanza. Next time, don't talk about eyes alone as if they mean something. And if they do, you must explain or hint at it, because waxing poetic about eyes alone is a surefire sign of a novice poet who can't write.
See above. Also, you are presenting yourself as extremely shallow because so far, all you've shown through your words is the physical aspect of this man. This is doing no favors for how the reader sees you currently.
What...?
What? Since when was there a hurdle or confusion? Changing emotion so steeply from one stanza to another is an indicator of either severe mental instability or an inability to flow the feelings and thoughts into one another so that they create a river, not potholes filled with water and squatting side by side. I'm assuming the latter is the case with you, so talk about this conflicted emotion earlier on in the poem or don't talk about it at all.
A cliched ending, and the flow seems to have been hacked with a butcher knife, the way you separate words by themselves for seemingly no reason.
In general, don't try to save any of this. It's all useless and will not help you create anything better. Start anew and be certain to give more than one dimension to your characters because unfortunately the "man" in this poem comes off as a cardboard outline.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Hi, good poem. I like the content, and I don't see anything wrong in what you have written. However, I think you need to work on the individual lines because the poem looks very disorganised overall. I can tell that in some places the phrases have been broken up to add effect and convey doubt, but I think most of it is unnecessary. Try to read your poem aloud: it doesn't flow properly and the pauses feel uncomfortable and unnatural.
However on the whole I like your poem, I just think you need to work on the format.
I like this poem! The title is awesome. Your choice of length in the lines is interesting. I wonder if you mean to convey doubt about getting involved with this person because of the choppiness of it. The last line especially gives the feeling of uneasiness.
"This ride will be interesting."
Anyway, good work. Keep it up!
Hey!
I liked your poem! I usually find love poems too cliche for my taste, but this was one rare exception.
Your poem was a little to jumpy; it went from him to the ride of your life. Um, sorry, I'm useless when it comes to figuring out how to "fix" a poem, but I would add another line or something to help close that gap.
I'm not sure that I really liked your title. It doesn't really fit your poem at all.
You should probably add punctuation to help your poem flow more evenly.
Great job! Keep up the good work!
zOe
usually I don't like poems about crushes and loves. But I like this poem. I'm not sure about the title it's a bit to blunt I think it needs to be more sutble but maybe thats just me. Nothing much wrong with the poem that I can find. Sorry about my useless feedback anyway an enjoyable poem
I like this alot. It just seems kind of jumpy to me. It goes from what you want to the ride of your life. Also there is no punctuation in the poem at all.
Well that's all I got.
-Keep Writing-