I haven’t seen her
In days.
I see her shadow.
I see her eyes,
Empty,
Broken.
But she is gone.
Pro tem.
It may be just me - I don't know that much about poetry, I admit - but this feels too jerky to me. There's no pattern, like AABB or ABAB, you know? Then again, it's probably free form and I look like an idiot, but I think the flow (forgive the cliche) would be better if there were such a pattern. Oh, and I also don't like the use of pro tem. It ruins the elegance you have here, being sucha modern-feeling word. Does any of this make sense?
I’ve seen his picture
Torn
In her wastebasket.
Love this.
I see her as a baby,
Tiny and helpless,
In my memories.
Come on; you've already proven to have excellent vocab. Use something more than "tiny or helpless". Those words are so... common. Stun us with your imagery!
I want to hold her.
I want her to sob
Into my shoulder.
Like when she was young
And the pavement
Cast red patterns
Across her knees.
I don't understand what you're trying to say in the last three stanzas. How does the pavement - black tar - cast red patterns? And across her knees? So she's sitting by a red road that felects weird pattterns? And also, where did the punctuation go? You've got commas and periods all over in the last few sections. Where did they go here?
Instead she cries
Into her pillow,
Her diary.
I won’t feel her tears
Soak through my shirt.
Not anymore.
The part "Her diary" comes out of nowhere, and doesn't seem to fit in anywhere. And you're not explaining why the narrarator won't feel her tears etc. etc. anymore. Are they angry with each other? The girl isn't dead, right?
But I know she’ll
Pull through.
She’ll make sense
Of his senseless excuse.
While I like the last two stanzas, the first two dissatisfy me. The narrarator is all worried throughout the poem, then suddenly she's confident everything will be all right?
She’s strong.
She’s always been
My little soldier girl.
As endings go, it's fine. Not as amazing or original as it could be though. I would toy with this.
Overall, I enjoyed it. It's a tad cliche, but you make up for that with the imagery.
Points: 1068
Reviews: 582
Donate