Little girl so lost
Sunken so low
In the questionable things she’s done
Little girl so lost
Starving for approval
Yearning for love in a loveless world
She tries to please them
Until she can no longer stop
Little girl so lost
Wrapped, bound, and gagged
In the lies she tells
In the hearts she leads on
I reach to her from my lofty perch
Hoping she will clasp my hand
And let me lead her away
Little girl so lost
Too scared of being found
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I do not usually do poetry, I think this is my second ever
so if none of this helps, I apologise in advance!
Little girl so lost,
Sunken so low,
In the questionable things she’s done.
Maybe this does not apply, but I think you could have some punctuation to make it have little 'verses' or whatever they are called? Becaue you repeat yourself over and over this is just a suggestion.
Little girl so lost,
Starving for approval,
Yearning for love in a loveless world.
Again, I added the punctuation. Aw, this makes me sad. Well described, this is quite a powerful poem you have going on!
She tries to please them
Until she can no longer stop.
I didn't put a comma here because this one flows right on. Just wondering, is there an actual type? (Because this is lyrical I'm not sure.... I never did poetry well in school...) if so, are you following the rules? Or is this free verse?
Little girl so lost,
Wrapped, bound, and gagged
In the lies she tells.*
*Is this where this bit leads on? Full stops are definitely needed, because otherwise the reader keeps reading and it's breathtaking in a bad way to read it all at once. Especially with this line and 'in the hearts she leads on' sentence. Are they together? You need to end a sentence somewhere or this is going to get hard to cope with. If together it loses the power and emotion of the previous lines. If not, it keeps it together. But there needs to be a space, in my opinion.
In the hearts she leads on
I reach to her from my lofty perch
Hoping she will clasp my hand
And let me lead her away.
Little girl so lost
Too scared of being found
[b]So powerful, quite touching. This sounds so real, so lifelike. Sorry I am not of better help, feel free to dump this, but I like having punctuation, maybe it's just me as a fiction writer. This gave me such good imagery, the description was fitting, and you did not *thank god* drag on anywhere. Every word was important, and really, I could not think of anything to improve upon, other than the *
Keep creating more beautiful poetry
Hey there, SilverSunlight! Sarah here. XD
Right, first things first. I liked this poem. It was simplistic, but that shows us that things don't always have to be intricately written and elaborate, with long, complicated words that stick in the readers throat. The fact that it was simple made it poignant. You're not showing off, you're not trying to be pompous, you're not using this as a display of your vocabulary so you can say, Look what big words I'm using. You're just conveying these simple, sad emotions of this girl and you executed it quite brilliantly. A sweet, lovely poem.
My favourite line:
Hoping she will clasp my hand
And let me lead her away
Little girl so lost
Too scared of being found
It pretty much summed up the whole poignancy and simplicity in the poem, the whole concept of it.
The simple descriptions work for me. Now you just need to work on building up concrete images and descritpions. Many, maybe all, poems are, deep down, about emotions and other abstractions, but it's hard to build a strong poem using only abstractions - it's just not interesting. The key, then, is to replace or enhance abstractions with concrete images, things that you can appreciate with your senses: a rose, a shark, or a crackling fire, for example. The concept of the objective correlative may be useful. An objective correlative is an object, several objects, or a series of events (all concrete things) that evoke the emotion or idea of the poem.
Good luck!
Sarah
Okay.
Very nice poem. I really enjoyed it.
This is very interesting. I'm not sure about this. It can play a good role for the beginning of the poem, but I just don't know.
Also very interesting. I like the idea and how you formed these 2 lines. I can really vision her pain and how horrible her life must be.
Very good. I love the pain you put into this second line. I'd add an exclamation mark do benefit it.
I'm not sure about this. If you keep it, just put a full stop at the end of the first line.
I still feel that this has no point at all. It kind of breaks the power from the previous lines.
If these were in stanzas, it might change the definition and actually benefit the rest of the poem, but for me it doesn't.
Interesting... I feel the struggle she is facing. Very nice.
All in all: I think you can improve it more. I think so far it is worth a 6/10 for me. It is not bad, but I can see room for improvement.
Hope it helps.
H silverSUNLIGHTx , thank you by the way, for the lovely poem. I really enjoyed reading it.
The best thing (I feel) about your poem, was it's ability to convey proper tension and atmosphere. Very few poems these days manage to achieve this, so well done. It isn't easy to translate feeling to text. Some of your imagery was very elegant too.
However, like most things in this world it was not perfect and this is why I am here. So without any further adieux let us begin!
Right; firstly the narrator was a little confusing, I couldn't quite place them. This could be down to having a thought in your head and getting it down on paper as quickly as possible. Thus making the voice of the piece a little unclear.
One of my biggest problems with this poem is it's lack of punctuation. I realise that not all poems need it, however most poems without punctuation use the layout to guide the reader. Other wise I as a reader have no idea of how to read it, it also muddles up the narration too. It's a big problem, which thankfully is easy to fix.
This is a really beautiful line. One is often seen as craving or yearning for love - I haven't come across one starving for love. This is a great line because, a person can often feel like they'd die without it.
This needs to be separated, it is such a powerful line.
Too scared of being found[/quote]
Excellent closing line. It was neat and concise. What more can I say?
Love
Kris
x