The homeless child
Trembles
Sitting on the cold stone steps
Of a house where the door is barred.
The child who is lost
Cries
All alone in a supermarket aisle
Looking for a mother
Who seems so far away.
The scared child
Pictures a monster
Hiding in the dark closet.
The child who is crippled
Alone in a hospital room
Waits,
For salvation to come.
But now,
The foster child sits,
Beaming up at the new parents
Whose door will always be open.
The child who is found
Snuggles close to a joyful mother,
Not wanting to let go.
The reassured child
Lies in bed
After all, no monster can
Lurk in the closet
When the light is on!
The child who was healed
Goes about
As usual
But now grateful
To have life.
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139,660 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hi!
This was alright, and I like the idea behind it! However, the poem seems overall a bit too choppy, especially in the first couple of stanzas.
When I read it through the first time, I didn't really know that you were talking about the same child. It was really choppy and you didn't provide any transition. If he's sitting on cold stone steps, how does he get to the supermarket? Are these even in chronological order?
I also think that you could mention a little bit about how the child found his way into a foster home. Your ending was also a little ambiguous, kind of like you shoved the moral in at the last second?
It deserves more attention then you're giving it right now. Maybe you could talk a little bit more about the less fortunate ones? Maybe your main character gets a little older, realizes his luck, and starts to help others? I don't know.
Good luck revising, and PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor xo
This is awesome! There are a few words you could take out or change in order to make the flow smoother, but it is still really good.
A. S.
This is awesome! Even though there are a few things I think could make it even better I think this a roaring fire in "it" should not be at the end, that makes it sound a bit awkward. Also "Goes about as usual But know grateful to have a life." I get what you mean when you say "now grateful to have a life" but it I think you should say this in a different way because it could be confusing. "Just remember: This sort of miracle Doesn't happen every day." This sounds like a moral to the story or a grown up trying to make their child grateful for having parents which I don't think is what you were going for. But overall I loved it!