Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Hi guys, so this is a spoken word poem. That means ideally it would be read aloud. Because of this I'm not nearly as concerned with the line spacing and punctuation as I am with how this sounds, how it feels, the message...thanks so much for your input!
We are a society obsessed with labels
Putting people where we think they belong and assigning expectations.
Because it’s just easier to give someone a name and assume it defines them.
It’s much easier than getting to know them
Than accepting the complexities that make us beautiful in our imperfection.
We are a society that feels the need to put a name to everything.
We must be decisive or others will decide for us.
Know who you are, or figure it out, because nothing is more terrifying than someone who can’t be put in a box carefully labeled with all package details.
And if your details aren’t displayed for all to see then you are an unmarked black case in a train station and they will find you and their dogs will sniff you and either they will uncover your identity or they will destroy you.
Why don’t you know which box of people you want to love for the rest of your life?
Why don’t you know which box we can put you in, lock it, and throw the key into the putrid pit of decaying misfits?
Our society wants you to be like all the other people in your box, and it wants you to wear a label with your contents on your chest.
Do you have short hair? You must be a lesbian. Tight pants? That’s so gay.
You like wearing scarves? I bet you’re really artsy. Confidence about your body? Get out, you freaking hooker.
And for some reason, because I have two X chromosomes
I must like the color pink
And can never be as good as you at math.
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139,660 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hello, sarebear! I'm emeraldfox, here to review your work. I'm representing team Blue's Clues this review day!
I absolutely love this piece that you've written! You had some excellent imagery. Your poem was consistent and you didn't lose sight of what you were trying to say, yet you still found a variety of words to use to espress your ideas. I loved the metaphor you used of a box confining us and assigning each of us an identitiy that we didn't create ourselves. Your use of rhetorical questions added a very personal way to connect with the reader and get them actively involved in the piece and thinking, not just reading. My favorite line in this piece was, "And if your details aren’t displayed for all to see then you are an unmarked black case in a train station and they will find you and their dogs will sniff you and either they will uncover your identity or they will destroy you." This had a ton of imagery and I could picture the police dogs and case at the train station perfectly.
The only thing I would add is that some of the lines could use commas at the end to connect them to the next one if they are part of the same sentence. But this is very minor and because it is a spoken-word poem, I'm not too concerned about it.
I wish I could give you some suggestions to improve, but I don't have much - - this was very well-written and touching. Your poem had so much emotion and I could definitely relate to the feeling of being locked away in an inescapable box that society has forced me into. Excellent job, Sare!
Hello! I'm here again with this tiny nitpick about it, actually you can ignore this if you like.
I know this is meant to be blunt, but they above I think is leaning towards the unfair section more than blunt. From what I observe, most people wear scarves because they are cold, I think what you mean is those out of 'gypish' scarves because frankly I wear scarves, and I have never been accused as artistic.
But this is such a personal poem, I don't think these matters anymore after reading your poem again. These are just some suggestions. Have a good day!
-S.s
Thank you very much!
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
Wow, this was really good. It was so honest and realistic and accurate... I won't nitpick, because this is close to flawless as is and also because I don't know enough about poetry to really criticize. Instead, here are some parts I liked:
I love the beginning. Right away, it grabbed my interest, from the first line onwards. And your choice of words flows nicely together. "Beautiful in our imperfection," for example, is so stunning.
The ending, as well, is pretty flawless. The bit about liking the color pink was especially accurate. I would, however, suggest changing the math line to something else. Something more relatable and supposedly "feminine" to really give the reader a nice gender stereotype, like you did with the mention of the color pink.
That's just my opinion, though. Overall, the piece is so good it doesn't really matter either way.
Great work and keep writing!
Thanks!
Now, I think you really deserve a like for this. Not because the language was perfect or what not, because I will be frank. It wasn't, but you have some wonders metaphors in there that describes our society so clearly is not even funny.
I like this, because these are things most people refuse to accept. I like this becaus this is raw reality captured in a poem. And I agree with almost everything you have said there. I say almost, because some of it isn't that accurate and some people would find it offensive. Try softening some of the words and break this into stanzas.
Still, great work!
-S.s
Hi SS, thanks so much for the review! Would you mind being more specific about what should be revised? Then I can do it! Also, I recognize that the last section is blunt but it's meant to be so. But I'd be interested to hear your specific changes.
I'd love to do that, I would do that once I gets on my computer because I can't highlight the parts on my iPad. Just wait for me. ^_^
Sure, thanks!!!
Well, this is definitely high on the interesting scale. The subject matter is very thought provoking. But this is not a poem. There's no rhyme or reason, no flow, it's just you expressing your thoughts to the world.
But aside from that, you raise some very controversial points.
"Our society wants you to be like all the other people in your box, and it wants you to wear a label with your contents on your chest.
Do you have short hair? You must be a lesbian. Tight pants? That’s so gay."
These lines are great for stating some of the major problems in the world. The biggest one being judging. I agree with you on these points, looks don't actually decide who we are.
Thank you sarebear!
Hi AE, thanks for your review! This form is actually quite standard for spoken word poetry, which is more stream of consciousness and is often written in free verse. Check some out if you're interesting, because it's very awesome!
I see what you're saying. But the entire premise of spoken word clashes with the definition of poetry itself, not to mention the heart and art of poetry, no offense. I have nothing against your work, I just don't think Spoken Word should be considered a type of poetry.
Hmmm I see where you're coming from. I also think poetry is a very flexible medium and that's what's cool about it. Anyway, thanks for your input on my work!
You know what, I take my words back about Spoke Word form not being poetry. I guess if the definition of poetry is expressing one's feelings and thought through the word, then it's a pretty broad term. I guess I should just categorize it into Fine, Loose, etc. etc.
Hello(:
Kaity here for a review!
First off I wanted to say that everything you just explained is so ridiculously true. I have written pieces on this subject as well so I understand where your coming from. I thought it was really great, but I would have liked it to flow a little bit better. To me the rhythm was choppy. But overall it was good
Thanks!