Have you ridden the bus to infinity?
Take care as you mount; it never slows
you’ll ride along the milky way
as every star in the night sky glows.
The universe glimmers beyond its walls
from the speakers music plays
through the music infinity calls.
When it stops no one can say
with only memories left behind
and only stars to pave the way.
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139,658 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
I agree that this poem should be expanded upon. It felt like there was a whole adventure just waiting to happen.
The line that begins "as every star in the night star glows" followed by the "stars and moons glimmer" seems a bit repetitive to me. You just said the stars glow and now immediately following they are glimmering. I don't know, but it just seemed redundant to me.
Utterly breath-taking and imaginative! It is filled with wonder and possibilities!
I totally agree, although much could be expanded upon, the simplistic nature was rather, strangely captivating
Milky Way should be capitalized since it's a named location, like a country or a city.
The second "only" struck me as a bit redundant.
The first thing I noticed while I was reading this poem was the punctuation. It's quite a bit inconsistent, and you're missing quite a few important pieces. There's at two run-ons, which makes the transition between the third-to-last and second-to-last lines unclear and confusing, which disrupts the flow. If you punctuate this properly, it'll be much easier to read and flow much better.
I did like how simple this poem was, and you did a great job with the rhyme scheme. I actually didn't notice it until my second read-through; it sounded so natural. Punctuation aside, there isn't much I would change about this, except to maybe suggest that you try and incorporate more unique imagery. Right now, this poem doesn't have any, so it's not very memorable. Still, this was a very good poem, and I really enjoyed reading it.
Hello there
I will be honest, I was not very fond of this poem. It...lacked something, some adventure. I was seriously expecting a bus to infinity and I got a bus to the stars, in writing. I loved the idea and there is still much you can do with it. I found repeating
very annoying; OK let me not use annoying, but instead a bit much. Maybe try removing the line from the second and third stanzas and maybe the flow of your piece will be much better. I don't know, that's just me.
Ziggie