My grandfather died recently (my mom's father) and I wanted to write something for him. My goal eventually is to get this published, I think my mom would like that. Please pick it to pieces because I really want it published for him and for her, so any critique you have, awesome.
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139,660 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
i really like your poem! it's so touching. The SMTWTFS is a bit unnecessary, i mean we kind of know the days of the week. . . you should brainstorm what to put instead of that. You could also be a bit more descriptive like the colour of the pill case and something like the rusty refrigerator. I think it would make it more exciting to read.
Hello Sare! I'm here to review this as requested. I'm not sure how one offers condolences through a review, but I do nonetheless. <3
I haven't seen you in ages! I miss seeing you around YWS D:
Now, onto the review.
This poem was very sweet and very simple, though it seemed a little bit void of... something. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it needs a pinch of something. There's emotion in it, but maybe not quite enough? Take the emotion that's behind the poem and find a way to push it through and weave it in.
Simple rephrasing and a slight change of word choice can do this. Or even adding a line or two between the stanzas could help. Just a quick word or two to him. We need to know how you feel about what's going on, and you don't quite get that out of this so far.
It is a very sweet poem, though. The last lines were probably my favourite. (Actually, I loved the last lines.)
Nice work and keep writing! Sorry for how short this was.
~~Ish
Spoiler
So my outbox hates me! Here's your reply...
Thanks for clearing that up. Now I know what they mean they're lovely little additions to your poem making it feel authentic.
I think the only way you could keep the letters in is if you said something like
the seven boxes
with their seven letters
one for each day of the week
S,M,T,W,T,F,S
That way everyone understands exactly what they mean.
I'm a little confused myself. The only thing I can think she may be referring to is the 'Oof- kaba- doof' part and she just misplaced her annotation?
Generally, I do think this is a lovely poem. It may be an idea to try an add a little bit more emotion into it like another reviewer suggested just to make it all the more authentic. You've picked out some wonderfully poignant moments in this and yes I definitely think you should have it published. You have talent and that should be shared with the world!
& Anytime
Hey I'm Amie and I'll be reviewing today.
For Kakagirl the SMTWTFS stands for Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday as they would appear on the pill box. After clearing that up I do think that it needs to go. It's pretty irrelevant especially since you tell us that there's a pill for every day of the week. It isn't needed and only causes confusion - I only understood what it meant when I put two and two together between the letters and the pills for each day of the week.
I have never heard of a tea ball or slide rule? I don't know if I'm alone in that.
Your ending was lovely, very heartfelt, poignant and real. Great work & good luck
Hey sarebear. Thanks for the review request. I'm glad you picked a poem. I loffs reviewing poems. Especially this kind so this should be good. On to the epic review
--->>
I'm going to start with grammar.
RED is for mistakes,corrections and bits I didn't like.
Ok over all I found the poem really confusing. With this line,
You lost me. Up until then you really had me gripped. I was into it, I understood where you were going~The sun was practically beaming! Then I came across these weird letters that looked out of place and insecure. At first I tried to make it out. I thought that maybe it might have a hidden meanign or something...then me second guess was that it was a mistake. I bypassed it only to realise there were more weird things. I'm stuck in a pot hole here. What is it? As a reader I'm really confused. What is this doom you have casted upon to figure out?
Other then what I've pointed out your poem was quite good. It lacked a bbhit of depth and meaning. All we know of the love for your father is...well nothing? You described his every day life? If that's what your trying to do then you did a good job. I just thought by your description that it would be more heartfelt. Am I making sense?
You had no grammar mistakes*unless the weird letter things was a mistake?* so I applaud you for that. It shows you edited well and put time and effort into this.
Well done and my advice is just to make more sense out of the letters things.
Good luck and keep writing!
Thanks for the review request again,
Kaka xoxo
Hey Sarebear,
I'm here as requested.
I absolutely love this. I know you are asking your readers to tear this to pieces, but I don't think I can do that. This is so well written and so deep and heartwarming that it would be a sin to change anything in this poem. I hope you get this poem published.
Keep up the good work!
-Alex
---> *clap-hands*
----> You got me in there! What more can I say! This poem's just soo good.
----> So, the narrator used to play Chess w/ her grandpa etc. etc. Heart-warming. :]