Just so you know, this is an overreaction to a tough day at school. I am not goth, I do not want to hurt people. This my feelings poured into words.
I bow my head
as I walk past.
But I hear them giggling,
feel their glares
searing into my back.
I hear their whispers
but I don't look up.
"There goes goth"
they say to each other,
and giggle
as though it is funny.
As though I don't feel
as they do.
As if I can't hear
or know.
As if I am a hard shell
with nothing inside.
They think
that because I am different
I can't feel pain.
So I bow my head
to spare them from my ugliness
and to spare myself from theirs.
I bow my head
so I don't have to look into their eyes
for I already know what I will see.
Hate.
I want them to hurt too,
I want them to feel
Pain.
My pain.
I want them to pay
for the pain
they have given me
and to be sorry.
I finger the object under my jacket,
cold and hard and long
and deadly
and know that I could make them pay.
If I wanted to.
But I bow my head
and walk on.
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140,630 Literary Works • 673,569 Reviews
There are parts I like and parts I don't. Sometimes I thought, "Oh, great, another teenage angst poem about some morbidly depressed emo person." But at the same time, I felt like there were points that actually really tapped into some pure emotion,especially lines like this--
I really felt that you were feeling this way, and for a moment I almost felt something...hmm...I don't know. As if I sympathized with you, because in that moment you sympathized with both them and yourself. A mutual understanding of hatred, I suppose? I don't know, but it felt really real to me. Overall, I actually did really like this poem. Nice.
Hey sare
Here to review as requested! Sorry it's taken me a while. Everything's been hectic lately!
I bow my head
as I walk past.
But I hear them giggling,
feel their glares
searing into my back.
I hear their whispers
but I don't look up.
This was kind of confusing for me. Are you trying to say that the girls think that the 'goth' doesn't have feelings, but the girls themselves do? Maybe you should make that a bit clearer!
I liked this section!
The poem would flow better without the 'and' here.
See above. I don't personally like poetry lines starting with 'and', it makes them sound less poetic and more awkward.
I really liked this ending! It shows how, if the girl wanted to, she could shoot or stab them. At least, that's what I assumed she was thinking, but she doesn't. Instead, she walks on, ignoring the temptation. Thus proving that she is a kind person.
Overall
I'm no poetry critique, but I liked this! It was simple, but in my opinion, effective. I especially liked the structure of the poem. I liked how you gave the words 'Pain' and 'Hate' their own lines. By doing this, you really emphasized these words well. I also like the message that comes across in this. I wanted to smack those girls, I hate people like that.
My only nit-pick is the fact that, at times, it was kind of hard to understand what you were saying. I pointed this out at on point, actually. That's okay though! All that you need to do is read over the poem and pick out the bits that are phrased kind of awkwardly. Don't change what you're saying, just make it easier for the reader to understand. Remember, it may make sense to you because you know what you're trying to say. Although, to others, it might sound confusing! Read over it and try to think as though you had never read it before. That way, you might be able to figure out the bits that are kind of confusing easier.
Overall, I honestly did love this! I've mentioned why in the first paragraph I wrote. There are so many good things about it. I love the simplicity of this, the structure, the emotional language and the idea behind the poem. I'm sorry that this review hasn't been much help, I suck at reviewing poetry.
Keep writing! If you want another review, just ask me in my WRFF thread!
xoxo Skins
Hi Sara.
I think these words were your sudden emotion so it should be in exclamatory sign.Here on request. I am no poet or poetry expert but I would try to give my best review.
I have to say that you would have been in a terrible mood that day to write such a dramatic and emotion-filled poem. I know people call us funny names on our back and try to hurt us.
Anyways, this poem didn't have a rhyming scheme, did it? Even if ti doesn't have then its also fine because I loved the emotion portrayed in it.
I don't know if that would be right or not, but you should separate the lines into stanzas. That would give it a neat look and won't give reader a shock after looking at its length. I don't know if I said the right thing.
One quick nit-pick(the only one I could figure out)
So sorry that I wasn't much of a help.
Flying off for now but do dial my number when you need more reviews!
Am not much into grammatical error thing but mostly theme and I think the general theme of this poem of yours was intresting the whole holding back even when the power was there to end the disgrace. which is an interesting theme.
And your use of words where very touchy it makes me feel I am the one who is suffering the incident.
Deep stuff. I think the poem is great. it has this flow of constant emotions that make me picture myself in the situation and in turn sympathize. Besides the spelling, I think that it is written perfectly and nothing should be changed. I think you have a gift here. I would like to see more stuff like this from you. great!
My first real review:
I think that it sounds great except for one thing; other than spelling... the use of searing in the beginning. I feel that it sounds too harsh that doesn't flow with the rest of the beginning. It sounds mostly sad in the beginning then it gets harsher. But other than it sounds really well written. I like your style of poetry.
Phoenix lands to review.
their
This part seems a bit choppy. Take out the and and turn they to then.
This is fine but the the way you have it cut up breaks the flow.
Overall I think this was really good. Your use of words is amazing and you phrased it very nicely. Your poem flows very nicely and provokes the proper emotions that a poem like this should. Keep up the good work
Hope I helped.
Phoenix flies away.