Looming bold and great,
you present me with such
expectations
that stand alone and
Push me, forcefully
demanding
some ending.
that I don’t know yet
some sense of closure
so you may then finally rule
it,
but it is not yours, you
don’t define it
aren’t even necessary
Only, some idea of what it means
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Canary word: Present
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139,507 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Messenger here for you on an exciting Review Day!
So I am guessing the crazy line break-ups and choppy lines are a mistake. IF the aren't you need to fix them instantly, and if they aren't I guess you still need to but. . . anyway yeah.
I do like the creativity of the poem. It is something I've struggled with.Titles can be hard, especially if you don't want to give away a big portion of the book so I understand where you got the idea.
I really don't have a whole lot else to say. It's hard to judge it on grammar or technical stuff like flow and rhythm because of the disastrous line break-ups, but I don't think it needs much help besides that. The grammar looks okay from what I could decipher. The main thing I liked was that I could relate to the poem. That's key for me!
~Messenger
Well, I'm sorry that you think the line breaks are disastrous because they are entirely intentional. Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you can relate.
why is it that you make the lines like that? I've never seen it done
lots of poets do that, E.E. Cummings comes to mind. Poetry is all about the visual appeal. That white space and line breaking controls how my poem is read, and that's exactly how I wanted it read.
Happy Review Day!
Love this poem, it's really nice! Kind of sounds like it's go under the lyrical category. I like this poem because it flows very nicely. The words are placed nicely also. Punctuation at the end of the poem would be nice I think. There is no period, is it over or does it never end? All in all lovely poem! Keep writing because you're wonderful!
~Sarai
Hey there! Here to review as requested.
First of all, I enjoyed the concept of this poem. The writing in and of itself was pretty decent as well. And by that I mean that there was really nothing wrong with it. On the other hand, it wasn't a poem that reached out and pinned me where I was and made me go, "whoa," but my standards are pretty high, so I wouldn't take it to heart
ANYWAY.
One thing that I didn't like about it were the awkward line breaks. I'm assuming that that was intentional, and that you'd wanted to use it as a way to reinforce the vague confusion-fight for control-undefinability air, but. It kind of messed with the flow, I guess? And if you want a choppy poem, you can definitely have a choppy poem, but you have to play around with it a lot and be really careful about how you break it up. You want your reader to stay interested, and the way the lines are broken up distracted me more than anything.
Also:
I'm assuming that the bolded 'you' that I added was supposed to be there? Either it was a typo, or you're trying to convey something that I toootally missed
Honestly though, it was a pretty dang decent piece of writing. A+ for a creative approach to a long-thought-of concept. I'd just work on the flow and the line breaks a little. Choppy is okay. So choppy that there's no definable flow is less okay.
Good job and keep writing,
~Ish
I love the typography. It's very jumpy and really gives you the "undefined" feeling that comes across through this piece. I also like how you have such a powerful, yet simple use of word choice. This is very calming to read, and I enjoyed it a lot! Good job!