I can feel you
Sense you standing near
Note your presence here
But I can't look
for fear of what's there
the pain that's so rare
Your eyes are dim
you're not yourself, no.
Yet I should've known
this would end here.
However I try,
you will say goodbye.
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140,533 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
hello there, rhiasofia
WOW!!! This is breathtaking! You did a perfect job capturing something so difficult. That fear of the end. It is so beautiful.
my favorite lines were
"But I can't look
for fear of what's there
the pain that's so rare"
I also love how you said that you should have known. It is so true in life how people find things out then realize how obvious it really is. I find my self doing this so very often. It is so easy to relate to the whole piece through just that little bit those few words.
In the second to last stanza, I don't think it was necessary to say "no" after "you're not yourself". It threw off the flow of the poem just a bit, but not too much.
great job, keep writing!
--Cam
Beautiful poem, the only thing is that the last stanza sounds a bit rushed.
Hi person! Nitpicks before anything else:
It seems to me that the comma after "but" only makes the stanza sound awkward; consider removing it.
Same with the comma after "yet":
One more thing: the last stanza seems choppy for some reason.
Anyway...
I love this poem, you've taken a very common theme for poetry and warped it into something interesting. The image this created in my mind was divine, like all your poetry.
Thank you so much, I changed the few things you mentioned, and I reworded the last stanza, will you please let me know if it sounds any better?
The whole poem flows beautifully now - you've created a masterpiece.
Hey rhiasofia, I must say this is a simply wonderful poem. I have no critics for it, just popping in to say I just love how raw and beautiful this is. You have captured the feeling perfectly.
-Laure
Thank you!