Barefoot, I pad down the street
My eyes still leaking, leaving my tearstained face blotchy,
like cheap red wine spilled across a pure white carpet.
Asphalt so cold it burns into my bones,
my toes grow paler as my blood leaves.
Something in me longs to run, to scream.
Instead, I stumble, too busy choking on my own salty fear.
I ache for someone to see me, to see the fault
in my battered body bumbling barefoot along
in the thirty-something degree cold.
I ache for someone to offer to help.
Perhaps this will be the time I break down,
The time I tell all to their empty shells of beings.
Not surprisingly, all stays silent.
They persist, keen on turning the blind eye.
I don't know where I'm going on this road,
yet, I feel it growing warmer beneath my feet.
Until, I am screamed for from up the street.
I tear back, like a dog too scared to leave,
though it knows it will be kicked.
As traitorous feet carry me, the road grows cold.
The road that leads "home" is no more than ice.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
I don't know how to respond to this, but it was so incredible i feel that i HAVE to. This was definitely a very abstruse poem, and the meanings of this went so deep, everything was phrased so perfectly and the imagery was impeccable. I love how original it is because there are so many poems out there like this, and they are so common but you made it so original and i love that. You made it so that it didn't look like there were thousands of others out there like this. It is totally distinctive to how you portrayed the event in this poem, i love that there isn't necessarily that happy ending. It isn't like the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just kind of like, this is my life. I love that about this poem, it has such a unique ending, i find that really great because everything now has a happy ending and i love that this poe just faces facts instead of turning it around because not everything DOES turn around at the end and i love that you made it that way. It makes this more realistic which is unheard of now, nothing is realistic anymore everything has a happy ending but this one was more related to how life actually works and i find that intriguing. excellent work on this poem.
I like this poem. I think it's a very good poem, with lots of potential. However, I do have a few nitpicks. Do with them as you wish, this is just my two cents.
could do with one less "as." Try taking out the first "as." That way the poem still makes sense, without the repeated word.I think this line:
The other thing is, you rhyme sometimes. Basically four lines out of the whole poem rhyme, the rest of it seems to be free verse. My suggestion to you is to either keep up a rhyme scheme, or don't. Otherwise it just confuses the reader.
Since aching for someone to help is a completely different idea than breaking down, I think you should change that semi-colon into a period.
My favorite parts were these.
[/quote] Like cheap red wine spilled across a pure white carpet. [/quote]
and the last line was brilliant.
As the reader, what's difficult for me to understand is the change in temp of the road. It's weird, I don't understand the reason for it. First it's cold, then it grows warm, then cold again. I'm not sure what the significance is, my advice to you is to keep the ground cold. It adds to the mood a bit more. I love your comparisons, they are amazing and very original.
Good job, overall, and keep writing!
-Gravity
Thanks for the time you took to review, I appreciate it. I'm glad that you like it/parts of it, and those are good critiques that I will definitely keep in mind as I edit
As for the temperature change, it's because of the title. As I'm walking away, it grows warmer, as I'm going back, it goes colder. That was something I added in my second draft, cause I had decided the title and wanted another connection within the poem to the title. It's still up in the air, especially now that it has been pointed out that it's unclear. I will probably remove it/change it if I rewrite. Only problem with that is I feel like it adds contrast to the last line, which everyone has seemed to like.
Sorry, I just brainstorm-ranted in my reply XD. My bad. Thanks again!
First off, this is nothing new, no offense. A lot of writers, especially young ones, always seem to write something like this, and there are a lot of people out there, so you read this sort of thing a lot. That's just something to think about when writing, especially when writing poetry.
But, as a poem goes, this one's not bad. You have a little more description in here that spices it up to make it interesting.
"My eyes still leaking, leaving my tear stained face blotchy,
like cheap red wine spilled across a pure white carpet.
Asphalt so cold it burns into my bones,"
This part was good. I could really see the tears dripping and staining the ground. The last line is beautiful. It paints a vivid picture of the freezing ground searing into you.
But then the flow sort of stops. The rest of the poem comes across as more of a quick explanation of what happened that day. It's just not all that intriguing or interesting after the first few lines.
The last two lines of the poem are all right, though. They sort of bring it all together. So, as poems go, it's not terrible. Personally, I don't think it's anything spectacular, but not everything has to be like that, so good job.
Thank you rhiasofia!