Her eyes have sprung leaks
bitter rain, acid rain,
flushed out
from the pitched eaves of her face
as she whispers to herself,
her voice a dismal crack,
"What did I ever do to deserve this?"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,299 Literary Works • 674,335 Reviews
Hmm.. don't really agree that the best perspective for this poem is 3rd person omniscient. I feel like if it where 1st person it would be more personal and contain less distant emotions. I have to agree you do choose to show the emotions instead of tell but you are telling as a different entity and it is hard to feel empathy in that regard. I see this poem as written pretty well but it contains little passion and emotion. I see the "bitter rain, acid rain" as an attempt to add some type of emotion to it but it ends up falling flat, and seemly out of place.
As I said it is written pretty well, and seemingly you have a great deal of experience. Although, I don't find this to be nearly perfect either. When you tell us that the persons eyes sprung leaks you shouldn't have to bring it up again by saying "flushed out." We already know that. Therefore the reason people may see the 2nd line and the 3rd line as being out of place is because it is. It is shoved in there getting in the way of the first thought you are trying to express. Now what sounds better to you? "Her eyes have sprung leaks from the pitched eaves of her face" or "Her eyes have sprung leaks, bitter rain, acid rain, flushed out, from the pitched eaves of her face?" I haven't yet mentioned the fact that you express the rain being flushed out of someone’s eyes. What is the significance of making the tears rain? What twist is it making emotionally? I see no correlation as of yet that makes this poem better other than ‘rain can usually make people sad’ but this is searching deep inside and analyzing and to be honest at its best it is weak. If it does reach the average reader they won’t be very amazed or think this poem is spectacular because of it. But then again, I am not every single person, am I?
Also your word choice for dismal crack will seemingly lose your audience once again but this is only because your audience right now is mostly young writers. I don’t know how many people understand what you are saying and I can see most people not bothering to check. So it is something to keep in mind when you use difficult vocabulary.
Okay, I can get where you're coming from with saying that the third person omniscient doesn't allow the reader to feel a particular amount of empathy for the subject, but when I wrote this, I literally wrote it about someone I didn't know, knew nothing about, and was simply trying to describe the emotions in that respect, as an outsider.
Referring to the "flushed out" bit, I was referring to the rest of her face, not her eyes. And, frankly since you asked, the second one sounds better. It is much more poetic and makes more out of the imagery available. I don't think anything is getting in the way, the eyes have sprung the leak of tears, the tears are washing down the eaves of her face.
Maybe you don't need to analyze all poetry, maybe its just about tears looking like rain and that's it. But I do agree, I in no way think this poem is great. It is a poem of mind that I find to be rather blah, I uploaded it because I could upload free works before review day, and I'm not sure why it's in the spotlight while works of mine which actually had work put in are ignored. *shrugs*
I think you're discrediting the people on this site a little by assuming that they won't know what the word dismal means. My little sister is in third grade and she knows what it means. Anyways, I'm not going to dumb down my vocabulary for anyone, if they don't understand it then so be it. I'm not using any super advanced words in this, though, so I think you're worrying without need.
I'm not going to argue with you. If you don't find my review helpful then ignore it.
Sorry for being snippy
. I regret it. I'm just a very argumentative person who likes to have her point made.
It is okay
Hello there, rhiasofia! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poem today. ^^
Well, for a start it's kind of short and bittersweet. I like it, it's to the point but also has brilliant imagery. I like the flow, a lot, except for one small part here;
I feel that using rain twice in the same sentence is a little bit much. Perhaps change the first one to something else? Or the second one. Either would work. I would suggest "tears" here, in either place. It would work a lot better, but that's just my opinion and you don't have to listen to me.
Other than that, this is really good. I do like what you've done here, and it definitely works very well. Anyway. I'm going to "like" this poem. I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarli. <3
Thanks! Yeah, I've been thinking of changing one of the "rain"s to something else or changing it to "bitter, acid rain" but I can't decide yet
Hey there. So it's good what you've written. It's short and flows well. The only thing I have to point out are two small errors. This is my personal opinion so you can totally over look it.
In the sixth line, maybe you should put a comma (,) after "voice". And secondly in the last line, I observed you put the 'I' in italics. I personally feel that here if you italicized the 'Ever', it would have a more prominent effect.
But like I've said before, these are tiny improvements which were specific to me, so you can totally overlook them.\Hope I've helped..
Harshita
Thanks, I changed the italicized word like you proposed, I think it does look better like that
I'm happy to have been of help..
Harshita
I always LOVE the way you describe things, and I wasn't disappointed
I only had two TINY nitpicks.
1) I think the third line would flow easier if it were cut off after "out."
2) The first letter of the dialogue should be capitalized.
Once again, great job!
Keep writing!
~WallFlower
Hi, Tulip here to give you a review.
I liked the poem, I really did, but like even the most famous of poems- it's needs some editing. I don't want to over step my boundaries as a reviewer, but I can offer that you add in better punctuation to separate the ideas that you have here.
May I suggest:
Her eyes have sprung leaks-
bitter rain, acid (I would chose a different word) rain.
Flushed out from the
pitched eaves of her face,
as she whispers to herself,
her voice a dismal crack.
"What did I ever do to deserve this?"
It flows a better, right?
I would figure out a different way to say rain in line two. You repeat it twice in the space of three words.
That's all I can find. So...Peace out.