Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Swaddled in blankets smelling of you, I
stretch free of that innocent outer skin
of childhood, easily, like slipping off
clothes.
Later, I will feel at home, content.
You'll bring me hot coffee, though it's long after dark,
just enough sugar, just enough cream.
You'll kiss the taste right off my lips, but
I won't mind.
The warmth will seem dull compared to the way
you made me glow with heat before,
no pain, no tears, only you touching my face.
Then, a remarkably intimate coffee cupped between us.
Perfection.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Something about your poetry is very sweet and natural - I really enjoy your writing style.
The concept of this poem lights up a warm, mushy place in side of me that I didn't even know I still had. It's just so romantic, but also has a level of adult intimacy in it. Bravo for intertwining love and infatuation together in such a wonderful way. However, I don't think it necessarily needs to be rated 16+ because there's no explicit sexual descriptions.
A few minor suggestions:
"of childhood, easily, like slipping off / clothes."
These lines disrupt the flow of your piece. I would change it to something like: "of childhood / easily, like slipping off / clothes"... Just seems to flow better to my ears!
Same thing here:
" You'll kiss the taste right off my lips, but / I won't mind."
I would write this instead: "You'll kiss the taste right off my lips / but I won't mind"
Overall, such a sweet and warming piece... made me wish I was cuddling up with handsome man!
Hello there! I've come to review (this work out of all of yours had the least reviews)!
I like the warm feeling this poem gives me. You have a cohesive image that is adequately articulated.
That being said, I have a few suggestions for improvement.
A quick note on formatting: you shouldn't double space your poems. On the provided program, in order to keep your poem single spaced, you must hold shift while you hit enter.
The first line of a poem should attract the reader and make them want to read more. Your first line lacks image and life. I would cut it out and let the future tense speak for itself through the poem. Also, if you do keep the first line, you should use a colon instead of a semi-colon at the end.
While this image is clear, it's not particularly vivid to me. I don't "stretch free" of my clothes. The two images are a bit conflicting; I think of a cocoon when I see "stretch free of that innocent outer skin," but you give a differing image with the clothing. Also, when I think of something stretching free, I don't see it as easy. Be careful with what verbs and images you mix. Ideally, your verb should create an image on its own, so the author doesn't have to explain as much. I suggest condensing this section a little. Perhaps try something like this:
I added something to symbolize childhood; symbols are quite fun if you feel like using them.
These lines aren't really doing it for me. I like that the other person is kissing the taste off the narrator's lips, but I don't like the "I won't mind" part. It seems extra and tacked on. It tells rather than shows. I suggest you omit that line. Perhaps be a tad more descriptive of the kiss in the preceding line.
This line feels like it's illustrating how the other person made the narrator "glow with heat," but I don't think that is what you intended. Pain and tears don't deserve mention in this poem. Only contentment should live in this poem. Also, while I'm talking about this line, use a stronger verb than "touching." It's too general. How is this person touching? Are they stroking? Petting? A touch can even be interpreted as a slap. Be more specific.
You use a lot of adverbs here. A general rule of thumb is to avoid adverbs because they are more noticeable and take away from the reader's experience. I don't want to notice words. I want to be where the narrator is. Adverbs take me out of the world of the piece.
One way to avoid adverbs is to use stronger verbs. Use verbs in the sentence that imply what the adverb is. You actually use strong enough verbs most of the time, but still put in adverbs. Try taking out the adverbs in the poem and see how it looks without them. Then, after you have replaced current words with stronger verbs (and stronger adjectives, too), put the needed adverbs back in there. See how much it will improve the flow of your poem.
Your line breaks are a little strange. I believe in enjambment, but it should be used sparingly. Here's how I would break up this poem:
I hope that this review proves useful to you. This was a pleasure to read. Happy writing!
Definitely a romance. I love the feel it has. It goes perfectly with those great movies about writers in the coffee shop, which is probably what you were going for. I like that it's broken up, to give it a sense of abstract and fun, but the words definitely scream passion and love.
The idea that the cup of coffee is like the connection between the two people is beautiful.
"You'll kiss the taste right off my lips, but
I won't mind."
Probably the focal point of the poem, since it's bridging the gap between the coffee and the passion. It's almost like she/he almost loves the coffee as much the other person.
I thought it was very nice and sweet.
Thank you rhiasofia!
Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that I succeeded in conveying all the feelings I was looking for.
Hi there, I'm here to review =)!
This is a lovely poem. It flows really nicely and I had no trouble reading along. I absolutely love the ending. Simple. I like simple, haha. And your writing style is really nice.
I noticed a couple of errors in capitalization. Specifically, the second and third lines. Sadly, there's hardly anything new for me to comment on that BenFranks hadn't pointed out, so I won't bother recapping, you know what I mean? I wish I could offer suggestions though. But since I can't, I'll only offer more praise: Keep writing! You're really, really good at it.
Thank you! I'm so glad that you liked it. Haha, yes, I tend to try for simple, since I know I appreciate it. Thanks again for all your kind words, I will definitely keep writing.
Hello rhiasofia,
This is a great poem. Genuinely impressed by your control and your language - they're used divinely well here. There is a problem with your erratic use of punctuation and capitalisation though, flagging these up...
1. "Stretch..." - should be lower case, correct?
2. "clothes/Later" - because you use full stops (periods) in your work it is important to retain consistency. Therefore when you end a stanza in the context of your work and begin a new one with a capital it is good practice to end said stanza in a full stop, so you'll need one after "clothes"
3. "I won't mind/The warmth..." - same as above.
4. "my face./then," - capital needed.
5. "perfection." - again, capital needed.
6. "cream./you'll kiss..." - ibid.
Those are just nitpicks to tidy it up a little. Ending this on a one-word line was a great idea, carries a lot of strength. With the first line, I'd probably end it with a colon as opposed to a dash, but that's just personal preference, so it's up to you.
Keep writing! This is great and I hope this helps a little.
Ben
Thanks! Yes, I'm always a mess with capitalization. Thanks for catching those, I fixed that up.