Young Writers Society


12+

Thoughtless

by restlessheart14


Thoughtless

It always happens to those who don’t deserve it. Of the poorest, it hits the weakest claiming them to its side. Each night when it comes to terrorize the village some stand out waiting for it, while others run and hide in fear. Tonight, it has claimed me…

Struck as I was, I slowly moved my body out of the village square. No one had been around to see it, so there were no witnesses. On my right bicep a lightning shaped scar formed searing itself and energy into my skin. I screamed out for a long moment before it dissipated. I was sitting in the doorway of an old barn, and I could hear the animals from inside restlessly moving. Painfully I stood up making the scabs on my bloody bare feet break open again. My pants were in tatters and I had no shirt. My hair was a nasty shade of dark brown mixed with blood and dirt, while my eyes remained clear blue with grime everywhere else masking my face. From days out in the desert sun my chest was bronzed but scarred with remnants of my past.

I opened the door to the barn and slowly crept in, wary not to surprise any of the animals. To my luck only the midnight black horse with the glowing eyes heard me. The new spot on my arm burned briefly again and I fell to the ground. Once standing again I made an effort to look stable to the horse, as they are easily frightened. Across from the horse was a role of rope by the tools. I walked carefully over the hay covered floor to it and cut an amount off with my stolen knife. I walked back to the horse quietly knotting and looping the rope in a makeshift bridle fashion around its head.


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25 Reviews


Points: 576
Reviews: 25

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Tue Jan 27, 2015 7:49 pm
bellathebookworm wrote a review...



Nice job, the dystopian world where the weak are claimed has been done many times, but this one seems different. Be careful not to accidentally duplicate others work. I like the idea of a scar, but I think that after Harry Potter, something other than a lightning bolt might be better. I like the description of your protagonist, but I still don't understand how you got to the barn. You started off very strong, but make sure you explain the end.




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134 Reviews


Points: 74
Reviews: 134

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Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:04 pm
DrFeelGood wrote a review...



Hi there, DrFeelGood here to review your piece!

I am really confused with this piece. I have no idea what you're talking about, but it is still incredibly engaging. The detailed description was terrific and the first part of this piece flowed effortlessly.

Since this is just a three paragraph story, I'd like to discuss each paragraph.

1st Paragraph: Thoroughly enjoyable! Everything is perfect. My favorite part of this story.Loved the line,

Of the poorest, it hits the weakest claiming them to its side


2nd Paragraph: Very confusing to be honest. The descriptions held it together. The minute detailing from biceps to pants, from hair to eyes helped me visualize your protagonist. I find this story quite random but you successfully managed to create a protagonist in just one paragraph. Which in itself is a big achievement.

My hair was a nasty shade of dark brown mixed with blood and dirt, while my eyes remained clear blue with grime everywhere else masking my face.


That's what made your story so exciting. Terrific descriptions!

3rd Paragraph: Completely confusing. It starts off on a different setting and the second and third paragraph are quite hard to understand. The second one had marvelous descriptions but in the last one I couldn't understand anything. (Sorry if I missed something important.)

Overall I am looking forward to how you actually write a story out of this short. Your protagonist looks interesting and I hope you continue the story from here




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16 Reviews


Points: 251
Reviews: 16

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Thu Jan 22, 2015 12:50 am
NightOwl wrote a review...



Interesting concept! :) I love these kinds of stories.

Some parts were also kinda confusing, though. "I made an effort to look stable.." is slightly odd wording that puzzled me for a second. I had to pause for a second at 'stable', thinking you were trying to use the word stable, as in a horse stable, or the place he stood in. You might want to change it to another synonym so you don't confuse the readers.

I also started to get a bit baffled when he suddenly was transported out of the town square into the old barn. I can infer that it has to do something about the scar on his right bicep, though the way you worded the first paragraph, it sounded as if everything were about to go down in the village square.

I loved your first paragraph. It was a wonderful intro that gave an air of mystery, making the reader want more. The part where you said, "Tonight, it has claimed me.." suddenly intrigues us, which is exactly the way a writer should write. Great job!
Keep working hard! ^.^

~Owl




ananeutz99 says...


Thank you for pointing those things out! I will be sure to fix that!



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30 Reviews


Points: 25
Reviews: 30

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Thu Jan 22, 2015 12:24 am
AlyssaB506 says...



I love how descriptive you were. Your writing has a certain sophistication and ability to intrigue your readers. I truly believe you have a talent!




ananeutz99 says...


Thanks so much!




You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart? They're both ridiculous.
— The 12th Doctor