z

Young Writers Society


12+

Fallen Angel Pt. 1

by restlessheart14


I was falling, I couldn’t feel the normal tickle of the wind in my ears, but just the whipping force of wind pull my reddish brown hair everywhere. I’ve been descending for awhile now, but I guess it is a pretty far drop from Empyrean City. That is if I ever reached earth, and at this rate I could age many millennia before that happens. An eternity later brown, green, and yellow patches of ground started to become clear in my vision, and I began to panic. I didn’t know if my Allure of wind bending would work since one of my wings was broken, but I had to try. Closing my eyes, I began to concentrate on the layers of air around me, and at first it did not want to obey, but I reached out again and it finally bent to my will. The wind made itself into a ramp underneath me and began to slow my descent and eventually dropped me onto the hard earth as softly as it could.

I landed on a rural part of earth where the ground was mostly dirt and there weren’t many biotic plants. Standing up slowly and dragging one of my snow white wings behind me, I began walking to the road nearby. Once I stepped on the harder pavement of the highway I realized I really was in the middle of nowhere. Ugh. Having been falling nearly seven minutes ago one would think I could at least see buildings somewhere close by, but no. Now contemplating which direction to go I turned left, and then I tucked my wings back into the slits in my back so that they just looked like a wing tattoo, although the silver sword on my hip was a bit conspicuous. On the bright side when I was pitched over the side of Empyrean City they dressed me in white wash jeans and green blouse would fit in perfect with the modern style of the humans.

The pavement under my bronzed bare feet was starting to burn them and for the hundredth time I wished they had not broken my wing. It was such a stupid punishment anyway, before being officially forbidden from my home they had to break my wing to assure themselves I would end up on earth. It was the standard punishment they gave to all level 5 criminals, but a level 5 criminal had never been royalty before. I was banished from my home for “disturbing the peace”. A load of crap in my opinion, and I intended to find out the real reason.My plan was simple: gather reinforcements who believe in the threats to peace...reinforcements who were unfortunately all in Sheol, march back to Empyrean City, demand entrance and a visit with the King, convince him a war is imminent, and fight back against the enemy. Simple or foolhardy? I began to wonder.

Suddenly a gust of wind blew past me and my internal alarm went off. A strong gust was my Allure’s way of saying danger was near. I knew it would come eventually knowing fallen angels are not only valuable in the underworld, but also to other fallen angels and kin alike on earth. A crack sounded to my right and my head snapped in that direction, then another crack sounded in front of me. Well whatever type of demon it was it brought a friend, and so I pulled out my sword, Allegra. The silver and teal hilt and silver double edged blade shined in the sunlight as I listened for my attackers. The ground began peeling away where the first crack occurred and a hell monkey jumped out, or to be more exact a greasy black monkey form with purple fangs, yellow horns, and claws three times the size of my hand.

I gripped my sword a little tighter, the hell monkey walked slowly and cautiously toward me sizing me up. Then its companion decided to pop above the surface and it was two on one. I took a ready stance as the partner hurtled himself at me, I barely blocked it from striking me in the heart but the monkeys claws did graze my left shoulder. I gasped, but didn’t have time to worry about it because then the other hell monkey attacked. This time I was ready and I plunged my sword into its stomach before its fangs could reach me, but again its claws struck my face. I pulled my sword free of the now dying creature and faced the other again. When I looked into its eyes to challenge it, the demon reared up and also charged at me. I bent down, tripped the monkey right over me causing it to land on its stomach, and before the demon could get up again I stabbed it through the back where the heart would be on the other side. I shivered because these things disgusted me; luckily they were low class demons and easy to kill, unluckily I would have to grow accustomed to them once I gathered supplies and entered Sheol. I slid my blade back into the scabbard on my hip and walked away from the disintegrating carnage.

My heart was still racing as I started making my way farther down the paved road. Those were just small demons and I knew soon the Angel bounty hunters would be after me, both human and demon. Of course being nearly immortal was not without its limitations, especially now in the middle of a desert, I could really go for some water. Then again there is one way to kill an angel and that’s by stealing their magic and disabling their wings so I was very vulnerable. I started walking a little faster in hope of civilization being nearby. Hills had to be the worst when walking on hot pavement without shoes. Honestly one could argue that the amount of sand on my feet was a shoe in itself. Once at the top of the hill I looked around and saw a little town nestled between two large water towers, I practically ran the rest of the way. The closest building I came to was a gas station with a back end attached for the owner. The sign just outside the town limits read, Duston. Yeah, it was a small town.


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52 Reviews


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Sun Jul 01, 2018 11:04 am
Dulcet wrote a review...



Yooo, I saw the third part of this in the Green Room and figured I'd read the first two parts before getting to that one. After reading this intro, I have to say this is pretty interesting! I think I spotted a few comma splices here and there, which need to be fixed by replacing the offending comma with a period or semi-colon, or... Well, here's a site that explains comma splices/run-on sentences better than I ever will: http://www.chompchomp.com/terms/commasplice.htm

Grammar aside, this piece is pretty solid, I think. My only issue with this is probably the ambiguity of some things, like where Empyrean City is and what an Allure is. Especially the paragraph on the banishment of the main character; I feel like that could be expanded on, because right now I'm not really thinking, "Ohhh, tell me more," but rather more like, "Wait, that's it? That's all you're telling us?" I think some more details are necessary to really pull the reader in at that point.

Like, I also think "disturbing the peace" is a load of bull, so I'd love to be given some hints as to why they kicked the main character out.

Also, there's just this little bit that confused me at first:

The pavement under my bronzed bare feet was starting to burn them and for the hundredth time I wished they had not broken my wing.


Not gonna lie, at first I thought "they" was referring to the feet, lol, so it threw me off a bit. I'd say italicise the "they" if you want to get, like, cryptic or something, or just refer to whoever meant to by name. I do wonder who "they" refers to - the higher-ups? The King? Maybe I'll find out in the later parts.

But yeah, anyway, I quite liked this! You started off at the perfect moment - close enough to the action to get the reader hooked but with still enough time before the said action for the reader to settle into the world, and into the head of the main character. Also, oooh, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in a criminal main character, lol, even if she (I assume it's a she) isn't actually a criminal; I'm still interested in a character who was wrongfully incriminated.

So yeah, I'm off to read the next parts now, so you can expect a review on those soon. Thank you for the lovely read! c:




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5 Reviews


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Tue Jun 07, 2016 9:07 pm
Solarpen wrote a review...



I have my own love for angels and supernatural/fantasy stories, so the title definitely caught me.

My first nitpick is the pacing. It just doesn't flow for me. The first paragraph, the MC says she may age many millenia before she reaches Earth - but the next sentence, she begins to reach her destination. I'd recommend a sentence stating that after a certain amount of time, she began to see the colors of Earth.

Instead of "That is if I ever reached earth, and at this rate I could age many millennia before that happens. Gradually though brown, green, and yellow patches of ground started to become clear in my vision, and I began to panic." you could write "That is, if I ever reached Earth, and at this rate I could age many millennia before that happens. (paragraph break) After what felt like forever, I finally began to see the brown, green and yellow patches of Earth rising in my peripheral vision."

Next, your protagonist. This chapter may not be very edited, but there's almost no real information about her. We know she's an angel, she's been kicked out of her home for a crime she doesn't think warrants her punishment, and she has a wing that was torn; however, there's nothing about her personality. The words are from her view, but they have none of that personality; it sounds as if it's a speech written out instead of simply her telling the story. We have no reason to really care about her.

First person is great to show what a character is thinking and lets the reader connect with them more deeply, but the paragraphs should not be 65% thought. A character's true self can be shown through small actions; picking a flower and smiling at it can show that your character appreciates Earth's life, for example.

Like Ellstar said, we know almost nothing about this world. What is Empyrean City supposed to be like? Are the other angels meant to be the villains/antagonists? How would bounty hunters know about the MC - is there some sort of system that lights up when an angel falls?

If there are more parts to this, I'll definitely check them out. The story idea is very good, but needs some work to live up to its potential.




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Mon Apr 11, 2016 6:45 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



I like the way you had written it.
Me,myself,as a fantasy lover can say that I can not say bad things about someting that has this theme and also this feeling in it!I think overall your writing is amazing.Here and there can be found some small mistakes with the spelling of several words or the way you had written it was not the right way to do it.Only minimal errors/mistakes I coud tell.I am not sure how this will go on.It feels like it is unfinished.Well,of course.
I saw the tittle and it is amazing,catchy.Really grabbing the eyes even if it is kinda common?
I do not know I had seen it a lot.Just a tittle fantasy lovers could only think of.
Not bad thought.It is not a negative point in this art.
Maybe I will understand what is going on better with more details and just..the next part!Come on with part two and we will see.

Good luck.




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Thu Apr 07, 2016 1:09 pm
Sujana wrote a review...



As I am obliged to watch over short stories about angels and demons (and doing a bad job at it as there's still one more work I need to help out, but that's for later) I felt, with a title like yours, I just had to take a peek. It's definitely an interesting start, but I think all starts are interesting--whether or not the journey enthralls me will be another matter entirely.

But firstly. Some minor mistakes:

-"but just the whipping force pull my redish brown hair everywhere." Reddish, not redish.

-"I landed on a rural part of earth where the ground was mostly dirt and there weren’t many green living plants." I suggest using 'the earth' and not 'earth', or at the very least capitalizing 'Earth' if you aren't going to use 'the'.

-"On the bright side my white wash jeans and green blouse would fit in perfect with the modern style of the humans." I feel like there should be a comma between 'side' and 'my white'.

-"I started walking a little faster in hope of civilization being nearby." Probably better to use 'the hope' rather than just 'hope', but this one is a little bit more ambiguous.

Now, onto the review:

While this was definitely an action-packed first chapter, I'm not sure if I can be invested in the action if I'm not sure who the character involved is. I understand that they're a fallen angel, but besides that, everything is blurred. I'm not sure if they deserved their fate. I'm not sure what this Empyrean city is supposed to be--is it simply a fantastical way to say heaven? Or is there a sort of government involved here, a society of angels? Will God be included in any way, or is this simply a matter of angels?

While I don't like my first chapters boring, I do like it when they introduce the characters and the settings in a way that seems interesting; which does not necessarily mean launching them into a battle with demons. I can't decide just yet if this was a good beginning, as I'll need to check out the other parts as well and judge the book as a whole, but this is about 65% there. Still needs some work, but with a little tweaking of a couple of elements you'd get there.

One element; the voice of the main character. The tricky but overall fun part of having a first person POV is that you get to have the character's personality shine through thoughts and subtle comments. Overall, I can't decide what tone you're trying to set here--is it young? Is it tired? Is it frustrated? Is it angry? Or does it somehow already know that everything was going to happen this way? It felt a little flat for me, which I think you can definitely work on a little to make the character more life-like and all around likable.

Second element; believability. Why is the character wearing modern clothing? Are angels just meant to have that sort of style? Do they have a Forever 21 standing about, and check catalogs to keep up with the latest human styles? And if so, why do they still use swords? Are they more powerful and enchanted than human machine guns? And if they are, how did they enchant them? Couldn't they enchant machine guns?...Basically, what I'm saying here is that some things might need to be expanded upon, either here or on the next chapters. My suggestion is to create a short prologue explaining the basic plot points (what Empyrean's meant to be, who the main character was before the fall, that sort of thing).

I will say, however, that the story overall intrigues me. I'm interested in seeing where you'll take the fallen angel plotline to, and where it'll take me is entirely up to the story. But for now, you have a reader.

Tag me if you decide to write more (or pm, if you need to),

--EM.




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Thu Apr 07, 2016 1:36 am
yizhongt wrote a review...



Hey there, yizhongt here to leave a review. I have to say, I really enjoyed this piece. It flowed smoothly from one scene to the other. The language you have used for your story is good and your writing is very descriptive. There is perhaps only one change I would suggest you make.

Closing my eyes, I began to concentrate on the layers of air around me, and at first it did not want to obey, but I reached out again and it finally agreed.

Now you said that the character could wind bend. I suggest changing the word agreed in the sentence above as it sounds rather flat. Try this instead:

"...at first it did not want to obey, but I reached out again and the wind finally bent to my will."

All in all, I enjoyed the story. I'm curious to know what the protagonist did that got him ejected from heaven. How did he 'threaten the peace'?






Thanks for the review! I'll be posting more parts in the future! Also the protagonist is a girl :P




More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes