Fallen Angel Pt. 2

by restlessheart14

Published April 19, 2016

12+

In MyWritings

When I opened the door bells rang above my head and for a fraction of a second I put a glimmer on my sword and then smiled at the mortal man. He was standing behind the counter arguing with some old woman about gas prices per gallon.

“Mrs. Evans, please take to mind that I am not the one who controls these prices. I am told by the city how to regulate my gas and the city is told by the state and the state is told by the government, and it all focuses around supply and demand within the States of the New Midwest.”

It sounded as though he was having a tough time getting his point across. The States of the New Midwest is what the humans of previously the United States began calling their nation after World War III changed the landscape of so many countries. I feigned interest in the processed snacks but honed my hearing in on their conversation.

“Now, now Joe I know you let Ms. Davidson get away with a free tank the other day and I would say it fair if you could at least do the same for me. We wouldn’t want the board hearing about this would we dear.” Mrs. Evans winked at Joe.

I finally went to intervene and walked over to the two adults, “Hey we are all friends here.” I smiled big and warm, “We wouldn’t want anyone in our own town getting in trouble for favors they offered to people.” I spoke directly to Mrs. Evans, “Especially people who might need a little help every now and again verses people who get by just fine, right?.” She huffed once in response then left the store. Humans could be so dramatic.

“And who might you be young miss?” Joe asked me kindly, but took a moment to study my face where the hell monkey scratched me. I was fortunate enough to inherit the gift of quick healing as not every angel is born with it, but unfortunate to have a broken wing which slowed my Allures down.

I smiled back, I needed someone on my side, right? “I’m Amaya, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“I suppose you just happened to walk into town?” He looked pointedly at my feet. I guess this is where I could make a sob story to get free things out of the guy...but that’s just rude.

I shrugged, “More like dropped off here.”

He nodded, “I suppose you need a place to stay then?”

Personally I didn’t think he would offer me a place to stay so readily but it really would help in the long run. “I…Um...Actually yes that would be very helpful. I mean if it’s not too much to ask of you?”

“Oh no of course not, it is just Kieran and I here anyway, and he is never here half the time so I doubt he would mind.”

I hesitated hearing now there was another person. “Kieran?”

Joe smiled again, “Yes he found me in a similar way to how you did believe it or not, but he is out riding at the moment.” Riding?

“You have horses?” I asked disbelieving.

“Haha yes, hard to believe for you? I own two, a dappled grey mare and a midnight black Friesian stallion.” Joe explained.

Just then a tall man with short black hair cut closer on the sides but sort of thick and unruly up on the top walked in but stopped in the doorway to take off his gloves. He had a silver stud in his left ear lobe and a few days growth along his jawline, there were also some intricate tattoos visible on his upper arms before his black v-neck started to cover his arm. After he took his gloves off he stuck them in the back pocket of his dark wash jeans and began walking over to us in his black combat boots. When he got closer I realized he was not quite a man but more my age even though his build would suggest differently. He looked lethal. He looked gorgeous.

“Hey Joe,” He nodded to me pausing for a second, “Miss.”

“Kieran this is Amaya…” Joe looked at me.

“Starfleet.” I finished for him.

“Interesting last name.” Kieran noticed.

“In some places.” I responded.

“Well anyway, Miss Starfleet will be staying with us here Kieran until she finds her own means to live or get around.” Joe said to Kieran, “Dinner will be at six in the back, I’m sure Kieran will help you get settled before then.” Joe smiled at me. It was now four in the afternoon.

I looked to Kieran, “Lead the way.”

He smiled, “Come on.” Joe watched us leave through a door in the back. Once we went through a short hallway it opened up into a living room/kitchen with three doors, one on the right and two on the left sides of the room. “Joe’s room is over there,” Kieran pointed to the right side, “And my room and bathroom are over here,” Kieran pointed to the left side, “Joe gets his own bathroom since he has the master.” He finished explaining.

“Cozy.” I said and continued, “Where will I be sleeping?”

Kieran raked a hand through his black hair, “Um I have another cot in my room so I guess in there.”

My face flushed, I had to share a room with him? I haven’t shared many things in my life coming from Empyrean City but sharing a room was something completely unfathomable. “I… um...are you serious?” I couldn’t find the words to speak.

“Yeah, but I won’t be here every night so don’t fret.” He explained, “Well come in and see.” He walked toward the door and opened it. The room was not what I expected, smaller than I thought and a little cramped. I saw the cot he was talking about on the far right side of the room in the corner by the window against the back wall, while his twin bed was on the left side against the left wall. He sighed and walked out of the room for a moment then returned with a comforter and grabbed a pillow off his bed and put it on the cot. He raked his hand through his hair again, something I noticed was a habit. “If you would like to shower and maybe clean up the cuts on your face and shoulder,” He looked at my feet then back to my face, “Before dinner, there are extra towels in the bathroom.”

I nodded feeling a little self-conscious now due to those hell monkey scratches, “Uh yeah thanks.”

Kieran smiled, “Okay well I will be back later I have to go clean up and feed Fresh.”

“Fresh?” I asked confused.

“He is our black Friesian horse. The one I was riding earlier, remember?” He set his eyebrows questioningly at me. How original, “Fresh”. “See you around 5:30 Amaya.” Kieran then left me alone in his room. I walked up to the cot I was to sleep on, at least it has a mat on it I thought. I unstrapped my sword from my hip and placed it far underneath the cot and also slipped my knife out of my pants and put it with my sword replacing the glimmer. I stood up and looked around the room, Kieran had clothes strewn about on his half the room other than that he didn’t have really any personal belongings save a picture of a younger him and Joe smiling with their horses in the background. I sighed and walked to the bathroom and closed the door.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Dulcet
Review
Dulcet wrote a review Review · Jul 1, 2018

Ayyy I'm back. Sorry if you didn't want me back lol, but let's just jump straight into it!

“Hey Joe,” He nodded to me pausing for a second, “Miss.”
“Kieran this is Amaya…” Joe looked at me.
“Starfleet.” I finished for him.
“Interesting last name.” Kieran noticed.
“In some places.” I responded.
“Well anyway, Miss Starfleet will be staying with us here Kieran until she finds her own means to live or get around.” Joe said to Kieran[...]


So, this exchange should be punctuated as follows:

"Hey Joe." He nodded to me pausing for a second. "Miss."
"Kieran, this is Amaya..." Joe looked at me.
"Starfleet," I finished for him.
"Interesting last name," Kieran noticed.
"In some places," I responded.
"Well anyway, Miss Starfleet will be staying with us here, Kieran, until she finds her own means to live or get around," Joe said to Kieran[...]


Most notably, some of the periods should be commas and vice versa. This forum page (Dialogue Punctuation) is a handy guide for how to punctuate dialogue, so I won't say any more on that.

So like, I thiiiink Joe is a bit too quick to offer Amaya a place to stay. I mean, I can get behind the reasoning that maybe he's just a really, really nice person, but I guess it's just a bit too sudden? You hinted that Joe is actually a nice person with that lady's "Now, now Joe I know you let Ms. Davidson get away with a free tank the other day[...]" but I think I'd like to see more of those hints and establishment of character before hopping straight to "I'll give you a place to stay, no explanation needed," if I make any sense lol. I just feel like I don't see much of a reason Joe would let Amaya stay with him, and that takes away from my immersion into the story.

“Yes he found me in a similar way to how you did believe it or not, but he is out riding at the moment.”


Ooooh, is Kieran also a fallen angel? That's some nice hinting if he is. And a nice red herring if he isn't.

I unstrapped my sword from my hip[...]


I just realised, would neither Joe nor Kieran mention the sword? They both mentioned the cuts on Amaya's face, so 'd be nice if we could see their reactions to the sword as well.

But aside from that, everything's going swimmingly here. I have to say that I'd like a bit more personality from Amaya - like right now, I don't have a solid idea of her character yet? But I guess it's just the second part so that'll get better as I read on.

I don't think there's much nitty-gritty plot in this part, but it does do a good job of establishing the characters and setting, so there's nothing I can complain about. :) Thank you for the nice read; onto the next part~!

User avatar
Virgil
Review
Virgil wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2016

This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!

When I opened the door bells rang above my head and for a fraction of a second I put a glimmer on my sword and then smiled at the mortal man.


The "I put a glimmer on my sword part" is confusing. Did he take his word out so that the sun's light shined on it?

“Now, now Joe I know you let Ms. Davidson get away with a free tank the other day and I would say it fair if you could at least do the same for me. We wouldn’t want the board hearing about this would we dear.” Mrs. Evans winked at Joe.


It should be "Now, now, Joe." as you take a breath after you say the second "now" as well. In the last sentence of the paragraph, Mrs. Evans is asking a question, so change the period to an exclamation mark. I also suggest putting a comma in between "this" and "would" in that sentence.

I finally went to intervene and walked over to the two adults, “Hey we are all friends here.” I smiled big and warm, “We wouldn’t want anyone in our own town getting in trouble for favors they offered to people.” I spoke directly to Mrs. Evans, “Especially people who might need a little help every now and again verses people who get by just fine, right?.” She huffed once in response then left the store.


I felt like the way that the main character intervened was quite awkward.

Now that Mrs. Evans has all of her dialogue done for now, I'm going to talk her. She felt like a cardboard cutout of a manipulative person trying to use other people to get free stuff. She especially feels like any other character that blackmails for something as small as that saying "now, now" and "would we now?" just felt like overdoing it.

I'm going to stop with the grammar overall with myself and I suggest you proof-check your story, especially for comma splices. You also do a lot of "..." which is distracting and I suggest you cut down on.

This part in itself overall just feels sort of uneventful. It does flesh out the characters, but it didn't really have a lot of plot to drive it and it was more just a "things happened" of a chapter.

Have a great day!

User avatar
Sujana
Review
Sujana wrote a review Review · Apr 22, 2016

This was a notable chapter. I like how calm the angel is currently, despite everything, but I don't think that was intentional. We'll talk about her characterization later, but for now, the highlights:

-"When I opened the door bells rang above my head and for a fraction of a second I put a glimmer on my sword and then smiled at the mortal man." Just for the sake of flow and the reader's understanding, please put a comma between 'door' and 'bells'. Also, solely for the flow's sake, please separate the last part of that sentence ('And then smiled at the mortal man') into a sentence of it's own, ie 'I smiled at the mortal man'. It's much easier to read than reading through meshed sentences.

-"“Now, now Joe I know you let Ms. Davidson get away with a free tank the other day and I would say it fair if you could at least do the same for me." Just a small thing: 'I would say it is only fair', not 'I would say it fair'. Unless that was her accent, of course, but it's still slightly distracting.

-"“Especially people who might need a little help every now and again verses people who get by just fine, right?.”" 'Versus', not 'verses'. Also, why is there a period after the question mark?

-" He looked lethal. He looked gorgeous." There's nothing wrong with this sentence, but it is questionable. I'll talk about it later on.

-"“Well anyway, Miss Starfleet will be staying with us here Kieran until she finds her own means to live or get around.”" Please separate Kieran from the sentence by putting a comma between 'here' and 'Kieran', and 'Kieran' and 'until'.

-"My face flushed, I had to share a room with him? I haven’t shared many things in my life coming from Empyrean City but sharing a room was something completely unfathomable.“I… um...are you serious?” I couldn’t find the words to speak." This was also a relatively mistake free sentence, but I find it questionable as an ending. I know there will be another part soon enough, but usually regardless of what the section is you want to leave the reader on a good last impression, the sort that would make the reader want to read more. This was a bit dull, almost unfinished, as if the author stopped writing after forgetting to complete the last scene. I suggest perhaps leaving it on her going to bed instead, as that's a bit more solid.

Now, to the characterization section:

I would firstly like to apologize for taking so long to review. Initially I had prepared a lengthy review for you, but then my wifi broke and I lost all the data and had to start all over again. I'll try to be as complete as possible, and I hope it will be as helpful as my last review should've been.

Firstly, let's talk about Amaya's character here. I'm not sure what sort of personality you want for her; badass, awkward, confident, shy? At first, especially with the encounter with the hell monkeys and the old lady, I thought you wanted a really powerful main lead, the sort that could handle herself well and persuade a monster into submission. But then Kieran walked in, and she...well, frankly, it looked as if she'd melted into her shoes.

That is to say that power and attraction aren't exclusive to each other. But, usually, you do have to develop these sort of feelings before actually showing them. For example, did you ever mention her living conditions before she fell from Empyrean City? Because it sort of came out from nowhere, and seemed like a jarring reason for such a powerful character to be nervous. I would've liked it better if you developed it before, and then showed it so that the audience doesn't ask themselves "wait, you just beat hell monkeys like it was an average day but you can't share a room with a man?"

And I'd say, before I go, to be careful in how you characterize the main character. I suggest picking out three major traits that do not contradict one another and sticking to that, occasionally letting her grow out of that mold as the story goes on. For now, she seems a bit confused, but with a trim here and there and a hint of vulnerability she should be good.

As of now, it's all fine and good. Nice job.

Signing out,

--EM.

Thanks so much! That really helped ill be sure to correct those things and work on her personality in the future :)



"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
— We Bought A Zoo