When I woke up from a particularly unsettling dream about running out of time, Kieran was not in his bed. I groaned, I needed to leave Joe’s sooner than I anticipated. I have more than learned to heed my unconscious premonitions. To make matters worse, I was still on earth. I knew there was an entrance to Sheol somewhere on the west coast of the States of the New Midwest where I have fallen.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes while facing the window. I saw Kieran’s form through the transparent blinds carrying a bucket of water and walking it in the direction of what I assumed to be the barn. I stood up and looked for my jeans; they were on the table by the door neatly folded with my shirt on top. I put them both on after taking Kieran’s shirt off and opened my room door. Joe was not in the common area but signs that he had been a little earlier were present. I assumed he must be in the shop.
My stomach began to growl and I looked toward the kitchen area hopefully. Someone’s cereal bowl was sitting next to the sink and my stomach growled louder. I walked toward the cabinets and took a box of Fortune Charms out. From the fridge I pulled out the milk and the cupboard next to the fridge, where I saw Joe grab a plate out of last night, a bowl. I put the cereal in the bowl on the table then poured the milk. After putting the milk back I rummaged around for a spoon and chowed down.
Kieran suddenly came walking in the back door. He glanced at me, a mountain of cereal in the middle of being shoveled into my mouth. I tried to say good morning but instead I started to cough as I hadn’t finished the bite currently in my mouth.
He smiled wolfishly, “Good morning Amaya.”
I wiped my mouth with a napkin and retried my greeting, “Good morning Kieran.”
He pulled off his work gloves and placed them on the table then too made a bowl of cereal and sat down at the table across from me.
“The scars on your face,” he looked at the slowly fading marks, “Are healing quite fast.” I gulped my bite down nervously looking at the nitches in the wood table.
“Must’ve been some really jagged rocks you fell on.” He suggested for the second time.
I glanced at his facial expression and he almost seemed disinterested, “Quite jagged.” I responded evenly.
“Did they stem from deep in the ground?” He asked.
I was starting to become uneasy with his specific questions and observations. “Do you have a point?” I asked defensively.
“Why were hell monkeys coming after you Amaya Starfleet.” He slammed his spoon down emphasizing my last name, and glared at me.
“What’s it to you?” I kept the eye contact between us even though I was surprised he knew about hell monkeys yet not quite shocked after the spark between our arms.
“This stretch of land has been relatively peaceful without the presence of non-human entities for the past ten years. Now you come, you were attacked by hell monkeys, the hell monkey presence caused the people to become malcontents in the shared atmosphere. I find tracks of smaller demons in our fields, and today I fought off one of them. Who are you?” Kieran spat.
“I could ask you the same thing seeing as you know so much about the non-human world.” I countered but not as confidently as I would have liked after hearing they already found me.
The silence between us was like a sharp dagger of animosity. His gaze bore into mine and I thought for a moment I saw bestial gold eyes and not his normal brown. Neither of us were admitting information which made me assume both of us had something to hide. A couple more piercing moments passed by. I realized there was only one way to solve this stalemate.
I then laid my left palm facing up on the table. This was the traditional start of how compacts were made in the non-mortal world. He flipped his up as well in response, submitting but still wary.
“Do you have the strip of metal required for this promise.” I asked.
“Yes.” He pulled a thin strip of copper from his pocket, one half will be placed within the center of my palm then grow to encircle my hand with a thin line and the other within the center of his palm then subsequently around his hand.
“With this piece of metal the two taking part in this compact will not act on information they grow to learn about the other in any deceiving, threatening, traitorous, or greed related ways.” I began the promise.
“The two involved will also show each other respect regardless of race and place of origin. This contract will be terminated only when the two part ways whether it be in death or a mutual agreement.” Kieran finished.
We both nodded then gripped the end of the copper nearest us and placed it in the center of our own palms. From there the metal animated itself and buried itself in our skin and wrapped around our hands in a band fashion.
He looked up at me and snarled, “What are you doing down here angel?”
His eyes flashed, literally, wild gold before I responded, “I was expelled from Empyrean City.” I decided to withhold the small detail that I am, or rather was, the crown princess Amaya Naveen Kasdhiel of Empyrean City.
“People don’t just get expelled from the Angel Cities. Why were you thrown out? Do you understand the danger you are in here on the middle ground between there and Sheol?” He responded angrily.
“Yes I am fully aware of my situation! Why do you think I made you make that promise? Also what tipped you off that I am an angel, well now fallen angel?” I yelled then quieted to a whisper.
“You left a feather in the bathroom. Pure white huh? I hear only bluebloods have those kinds of wings, it’s too bad too, I could’ve made a killing if I were in that business. Also glimmers dont work on demons.” He added the last part slower than the rest of his words to gauge my reaction.
“Demon kin.” I repeated thoughtfully.
He lifted his eyebrow at me, “What.”
“Explains the flashing golden eyes. What type are you? You certainly are not one of the hell monkeys I fought when I landed, unless you are under those layers of boy.” I replied.
“Layers of boy?” Kieran laughed, “I can assure you this facade is natural, save a few additions.”
“Additions? Are you a hybrid? I’ve never heard of a demon who looks human but isn’t.” I remarked perplexed.
Kieran then stood from the table and winked at me before spreading huge black leathery wings. Then on his head black horns appeared in a twisted manner growing vertically reaching about 4-5 inches above his head. The tattoo I noticed before seemed to come to life the green vines swirling in his skin and the leaves lazily flying about as if pushed by a nonexistent breeze. His eyes became the full gold color I’d gotten glimpses of before and remained trained on me. I gulped, he was magnificent.
“What demon are you?” I whispered just as confused as before.
“You were right in your judgement of me being a hybrid.” He answered in a way that closed the topic.
“I see. How did you end up here? At Joe’s?” I questioned.
End of chapter
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Hi there!
leaves me a little unsatisfied. Write about how the dream is unsettling, what symbols could possibly represent how she feels rushed for time, and such. There is also an opportunity to even throw in what she's feeling right when she wakes up and when she sees Kieran's gone already. If Kieran was supposed to wake up early anyway, you could describe the sun feeling bright in the room, meaning it's later. If that makes sense.Just wanted to get this out of the Green Room.
For starters, having a twist on angels and demons is a neat premise. I'm curious as to where you'll take the "hybrid" that Kieran is.
However, I feel that there are a few places you can add more details to this story without just stating what had happened previously or what the main character seems to know.
For example, the intro line of
In addition, these two lines also leave an opening for more description and more insert of the reader into the MC's world. In this portion, "signs that he had been a little earlier were present" seems really wordy and kind of threw me while reading. By describing what "signs" were present, and maybe not even including that original line, your reader can see what the character is actually seeing as well. Also, I don't like the use of "assumed" here. In the present tense, that line makes more sense to me, but here, it makes me feel out-of-sorts for some reason. That's more my opinion though, I think.
Grammar-wise, there are a few dialogue lines that should end in periods instead of commas, such as while others are flipped, better as commas instead of periods, like Practice is the key to getting down dialogue punctuation, as I think everyone, including me, gets everything confused. When in doubt, if the action is before speaking, then that should be a period, and if the action is after the speaking, it should be a comma, but it's complicated.
Story-wise, the conversation took a turn I was not expecting, and this story seems pretty interesting! The dialogue itself flowed decently between the two characters, so good on that.
Hope this helped!
Oooh, many revelations in this part. This especially:
Like ohhhh snap! I was wondering why Amaya had never cooked before, haha. That also explains why she lived in a palace, and makes me wonder really why she was kicked out of the city. I look forward to uncovering the reason later on!
Ayyy, I'd like to hear more about this dream. More description about it would be nice.
A really small nitpick: I think some formatting would make this line stand out a bit more? Currently it's kind of underwhelming even though it should have some more oomph to it, which can be added with italics, like so:
"Why were Hell Monkeys coming after you, Amaya Starfleet?"
With the italics, the dialogue reads as you intended (or as I'm guessing you intended). Currently, when I first read it, it sounded kind of flat in my head. And I personally would capitalise "hell monkeys" but whether you do so or not is up to you. My main nitpick is that Amaya's surname is italicised... but then again, I guess that's another stylistic choice that's completely up to you, so feel free to ignore me, haha.
Grammar-wise though, there should be a question mark in place of the period at the end. There are also a few more pieces of dialogue throughout this piece that should end in question marks, like: “Do you have the strip of metal required for this promise.” I asked.
I assume 'compacts' is meant to be 'contracts'? This typo comes up twice, so a thorough proofread might be in order.
I do wonder why Kieran has some metal just sitting in his pocket, haha. Does he make contracts often? :0
But anyway, I was honestly expecting Kieran to be another fallen angel, but I'm all for demon guys too lol. I'm interested in seeing how their contract is going to affect Amaya and Kieran's future interactions, if it comes up again later.
And... yeah, I don't have much to say about this, haha. If you need any feedback on anything specific about this piece, just say the word and I'll give my thoughts on whatever you want, like plot, pacing, etc. I look forward to reading more of this! Thank you for the great read, and I hope you have a lovely day. C:
Thanks so much for the review
I'm sure I will take you up on the advice offer...Also I actually had her surname italicised but the copy and pasting didn't keep it :/