z

Young Writers Society


12+

Fallen Angel Pt. 3

by restlessheart14


I looked in the mirror and frowned. My hair was a shade lighter due to all the sand and extremely windswept, my face also had sand on it, I groaned and started the water. There was a towel in the cupboard under the sink, I put it on the toilet then undressed and got in the frozen water.

When I got out and put my dusty clothes on again I put my hair up in the towel to dry it. I was shivering, this is one of the downsides to long hair when it’s wet. I looked in the mirror again my face was grime free, there was pink in my cheeks from the sun in the desert, and the hell monkey scratches were already scabbing over. I let my hair down and shook from the cold shock, but at last it was its darker mahogany color. Before I opened my wings though to see how my self-healing was going I locked the bathroom door and took my shirt off. I spread them and took a moment to look at my broken wing. The small hollow bones were healing slower than I anticipated but at least there was progress. The pain was minimal but still noticeable; I only needed a few days before I was healed and could leave. Just then someone knocked at the door and I jumped momentarily startled.

“Hey Amaya are you still in there? I got back early and as it turns out I could really use a wash too.” Kieran half yelled from the other side of the door.

My heart was still beating hard when I coaxed my wings back into their niches and put my shirt back on. “Yeah, yeah, just about done.” I reached for my towel and hung it on the back of the door, then opened the door to find a very muddy shirtless Kieran. I froze for a moment taking in his hard lean corded muscles and his intricate tattoo I saw earlier but now I noticed it was a continuous pattern of barbs and leaves weaving across the front and back of his torso colored black and red. What the hell?

He looked down following my gaze, “The tattoo is an extension of my family crest.” He glanced at me as if daring me to say something.

I only nodded before exiting the bathroom and letting him in, but as we passed by each other his flesh touched my arm sending a hot spark down it. I whipped my head up at him, but before I could say anything he shut the door. What was that? That only happens when I touch someone else with an Allure.

“Everything alright?” Joe’s voice suddenly asked from somewhere behind me.

“I’m…fine.” I answered still completely bewildered.

“Well miss fine, if you wouldn’t mind helping me get dinner ready? We are eating chili and I still have to put it all together.” Joe smiled warmly at me.

“Sure.” I smiled back, but immediately shivered because of my wet hair and thin t-shirt. Joe frowned and walked into now Kieran and I’s room. A few moments later he came back out holding a large black sweatshirt. My body impulsively leaned forward to snatch the sweatshirt from him.

Joe laughed, “I suppose the desert can get cold at night. Alright well follow me over this way and we can start putting all the ingredients in the pot while Kieran showers.” I followed behind him as we neared the small kitchen. Joe put a tall silver pot on the stove and turned the burners on. “You can come closer Amaya, I don’t bite.” Joe chuckled.

“It’s not biting I’m afraid of.” I responded.

“How do you mean?” Joe asked as I started walking closer to help him prepare the chili.

I smiled and stood next to him, while I answered he gave me a knife and a tomato to cut up, “I don’t trust you cutting those hot peppers that close to me without the juices going everywhere.” Joe laughed from his chest.

“I guess I’ll just have to move out of my OWN kitchen to cut them.” He laughed again moving his cutting board with the peppers to the small wooden table in the middle of the large room. I smiled to myself absentmindedly and pushed the chopped tomatoes into the pot.

“What’s next?” I asked never having made chili before.

Joe looked up from where he was dicing, “In the side door of the fridge there should be a pack of ground beef. That needs to be sautéed then put into the pot, and while you are doing that I can put the rest of the ingredients in.” He finished and walked his peppers over to the pot and dumped them in.

“Sounds good.” I responded trying to remember what sautèed meant. I am a 31st century woman I should know what it means. Standing in front of the fridge I took the meat out and placed it on the counter.

“How’s the sautèeing going?” Joe called over.

“Great, I’m just considering how to go about it. There are just so many ways…” I answered.

“Try putting the beef in the pan with olive oil on the stove.” Joe suggested. My face flushed in embarrassment. I pushed the meat around some and let it cook while ruminating about where or when I would have learned the word “sautèe” while in the palace.

A couple searing minutes later, Kieran left the bathroom and went into his room to get dressed while Joe worked around me grabbing spices and other ingredients for the chili. Finally the meat was done and I scooped it out of the pan and into the pot. Kieran joined us next walking over in baggy gray sweats set low on his hips and a green t-shirt matching the one under the sweatshirt I was wearing.

Kieran sauntered up behind me while I stirred the massive pot of chili, “Did you like my sweatshirt that much that you just had to wear it?”

I spun around, “That’s not what happened!” I exclaimed into his cunning smile.

He pulled one of the draw strings, “I’m sure.” He countered and sauntered away.

“Joe?” I implored for help.

Joe fished three bowls out of a cupboard and came over, “She shivered and this is the smallest sweatshirt we have.” He handed Kieran and I a bowl, “Alright then, eat up, Amaya helped me make this so I’m expecting it to be better than normal.” I wasn’t sure if that meant Joe thought I was a good cook or if he was just being polite. After we ate we all sat around the small wood table together.

“So where are you from specifically?” Kieran asked me.

“Probably somewhere down south if she is getting cold here.” Joe chuckled.

“Yeah,” I responded trying to let them choose a place for me to be from since I was not familiar with earth yet, “Somewhere much warmer.” This was not a complete lie since Empyrean City was naturally warm.

“Caribbean?” Kieran questioned.

The map we learned in beginner’s school flitted across my memory, “Yes! How did you guess so fast?” I asked feigning astonishment.

“Well your olive toned skin I would guess either there or Greccia-Italia. Or perhaps not.” His last few words left me feeling unsettled as if he figured out I was lying. That thought began a seed of worry in my mind which was strengthened by the spark from earlier.

“Oh my! Look where the time has gone!” Joe suddenly interrupted, I looked at the clock on the far wall and it read eight p.m., “I have to go close down shop, you two will be good to clean up right?”

“Of course Joe.” I responded, then stood up and grabbed Joe’s plate and walked to the sink. Good , normal, human behavior...you’re not suspicious. I washed the two as his footsteps receded down the hall. Kieran remained seated thinking about something. After putting the rest of the chili away in containers and cleaning the large pot I rejoined Kieran at the table. I sat across from him and looked into his golden lit eyes.

His gaze soon found mine, “How did you get the scratches on your face and left shoulder?”

I frowned, “I fell on my walk here which was about 3 miles.” I then reached my fingers up to trace the claw lines. Kieran reached his hand out too and made contact with the skin on my cheek warming my whole body. I flinched away from his touch.

“Must have been some sharp rocks you fell on.” He noted cooly removing his hand as if it was something he did everyday, but I wasn’t used to being touched so casually.

Slightly uncomfortable I replied, “It’s just a slight sting really nothing to worry about” After that was out of the way I got Kieran to talk about both of the horses out back for the next two hours. He had so many stories of the times he had fallen off of them before learning how to properly ride.

Around ten Kieran stood up, “I’m going to go to bed now, I have to get up early to open the shop for Joe.” He looked at me, “Are you coming now as well or…?”

“Sure I’ll come now so I won’t wake you later.” I followed him in to his room and walked to the cot that is now my bed and sat down. Kieran walked to his bed but then looked back at me and grimaced. Without saying anything he walked to his drawer and got out a huge (at least it seemed that way to me) black long sleeve shirt and walked to me.

“Put this on so you don’t have to sleep in jeans.” He roughly ordered. I looked at the shirt hesitantly. It would reach to my mid thigh, and I guess I would be under a comforter the whole night.

I took the shirt gingerly, “Thanks. Uh could you…” I spun my finger around hinting for him to turn around while I changed.

“Oh yeah sure.” Kieran turned around and closed his eyes. I slipped the hoodie and my green t-shirt off pretty fast then put on the black shirt and undid my jeans and slid them off. Cold air wrapped around the lower half of my legs and goose bumps soon formed.

“Okay.” I said, and Kieran turned back around stoic as ever even next to a half dressed girl. Just who are you? Most human males would show some sign of something.

“Do you need anything else?” He asked bored.

“No I’m okay thanks.” I got into the cot and slid my legs under the comforter while Kieran went to turn off the lights with the switch on his lamp next to his bed. In the dark I heard him lower himself into his own bed and eventually his breathing slowed and evened out. Only then did I allow myself to fall asleep as well. 


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52 Reviews


Points: 5100
Reviews: 52

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Sun Jul 01, 2018 12:24 pm
Dulcet wrote a review...



“I’m…fine.” I answered still completely bewildered.

“Well miss fine, if you wouldn’t mind helping me get dinner ready? We are eating chili and I still have to put it all together.” Joe smiled warmly at me.


Is that a dad joke?? Oh my god that's a dad joke. :lol: The 'miss fine' should be capitalised I think, but other than that... I love dad jokes lol.

I loooove the cooking-with-Joe scene in this, because it showcases Amaya's personality a lot more than the previous parts have. Especially this line:

“How’s the sautèeing going?” Joe called over.
“Great, I’m just considering how to go about it. There are just so many ways…” I answered.


I laughed, haha. And Joe - bless his heart, his answer was so kind and patient, and even a tad snarky. It's this kind of banter and character that was missing from the last two parts of the story, I think.

I am a 31st century woman I should know what it means.


There should be a period or something to separate "I am a 31st century woman" and "I should know what it means" since they are two separate clauses. But run-on sentence aside, I'm curious as to what this means - is Amaya from the future, or is the world she in currently in the year 3000s? It's a bit ambiguous and I think it warrants a bit more explanation I think... but in your defense, this is a smart way to offhandedly mention the time period this is set in. I just think it should be explained a bit later on since this makes me a bit confused right now.

“Oh yeah sure.” Kieran turned around and closed his eyes.


Minor nitpick - if Kieran is turned around, how does Amaya know he closed his eyes? I think mentioning he's using his hand or something to cover his eyes would work better here, though it's not necessary to mention his eyes at all anyway.

But anyway, the characters are becoming more solid, and - yayyyy, background information on Amaya! And some hints on who/what Kieran is. The banter between Amaya and Kieran is A+ and Joe is quickly becoming my favourite character; I can only hope he doesn't die, haha.

I don't think I have much more to say about this, except that I look forward to seeing more from you! You clearly have a world in your mind that I'd love to read more about - Empyrean City especially.

I'll end the review here; I apologise if anything I said was confusing or just plain wrong. Feel free to ask about anything or yell at me! :'D Thank you for the great read, and I hope you have a lovely day~ <3






I really appreciate you reading all 3 parts and the reviews on each :) I'm very excited about this story and appreciate all of the advice! Thank you



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54 Reviews


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Wed Jun 20, 2018 8:26 pm
shaniac wrote a review...



Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!

The beginning part of this part is kind of wordy and even though this is the third chapter, it doesn't really grab my attention. First with the wordy part. I think the main issue with it is that you are leaving it to be a run-on when it shouldn't be in the first place. And in some way, it chunks the beginning up. I would suggest rewording it to "My hair was a shade lighter due to the all the sand and high winds. My face was also covered in sand. Groaning, I turned on the water" or something similar. Secondly, you should have some pacing. By that I mean, the narrator just goes from looking at herself and then hops into the shower. While you might've mentioned why the narrator is sandy, I do think it would help if you hint at what happened. So, you can catch up on the readers what has happened.

There was a towel in the cupboard under the sink, I put it on the toilet then undressed and got in the frozen water.


What did she put on the toilet? Be careful using adverbs without the subject being before it. Now, I'm guessing it is the towel but you don't mention how the narrator goes in and grabs it. i suggest adding that small bit of info to make the sentence run a bit smoother. Also, I would think the water would be a least a bit warmer if she spent the time to remember the towel in the cupboard and getting undressed.

As I'm continuing to read on, the paragraph where she gets out of the shower could use some commas. Like, for the first few things, it is almost a run-on. I don't think you should mention how it is a downside to having long hair but instead have the narrator frown and mess with her long hair. And she hasn't even put it down yet when she gets out so I think if you were to keep that part, it would go after she let it down. Also, why would she put on her dusty shirt again? I feel like that would cause her body to become dirtier. I think you should, at least, have her change into a new set of clothes before going anywhere.

I'm kind of interested as to how Amaya broke her wings. I'm guessing from the hell monkey scratch on her cheek, it couldn't be been from that? But I do think to provide a bit of insight on what happened. Maybe like Amaya being hard on herself for her wings being broken to show her personality. Another thing, how big are her wings? I feel they might be noticeable if she is wearing a shirt but if everyone has them (which I bet they might), then it isn't that big of a deal. I think someone may point it out later on, over dinner.

Well miss fine, if you wouldn’t mind helping me get dinner ready?


Since Miss is usually used as addressing an unmarried lady or young girl, you would be capitalized it, along with Fine as that follows after.

I like the chemistry between Joe and Amaya. It really does put into perspective about their relationship with each as close friends. I do think later on, though, Amaya and Kieran will get together or maybe not.

“What’s next?” I asked never having made chili before.


I don't think this 'I never made chili before' part doesn't need to be added. It's kind of just a boot stuck in the mud and it doesn't really help much of the story. It's kind of a thing that just is there for better knowledge, I guess. And you mentioned that later on, she thought that Joe would think she is a better cook and that kind of contradicts each other. :P

A couple searing minutes later


Delete searing since it is kind of an odd word and it doesn't really fit with what you have going on in the paragraph.

After we ate we all sat around the small wood table together.


I was kind of hoping for the talking portion of this part to happen while they are eating. Or, at least something to happen while they are eating as that can be a turning point for the characters. Then with the ending, it felt a bit rushed. By that I mean is Joe suddenly changing the topic to him going downstairs in the midst of Kieran and Amaya talking. I think you should focus on pacing, again in this part and the ones that follow after so the whole part can run a bit smoother.

“It’s just a slight sting really nothing to worry about”


There should be a period after about.

To cap, I think this part does have potential. I liked the character interaction between the three ones you've mentioned. Try to work on pace as that will later smooth out the storyline and strengthen character interaction. And finally, be wary of dialogue. There are sometimes in this part that seem a bit off. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!






Hey thanks so much for the review! I'll be sure to try to keep your suggestions in mind. Also reading the first and second parts may help explain her wing situation... their size though I guess I never thought about that detail.




It doesn’t smell old, it just smells like a bad idea.
— James Hoffman