Young Writers Society

This is Kaos here for a review!

Her tender chanty whispers silent now,

This first line honestly felt a little wordy to me and I think that maybe it could use some rewording. It just feels a little awkward in the way of it feeling like it was trying to describe too much at once. Or it was trying to do too much with describing her whispers, and I think that this could be something that could be more stretched out so that it has space, or just simplified, it's your choice.

Awake forgotten sailor, follow thee.

The poem feels like it's jumping in of the middle of something and there aren't really any context clues to hint to what it is, or it just feels that the reader has to do a lot of inferring. I don't /dislike/ this, but I just wanted you to know that the piece is rather unclear in what it's trying to get across, maybe because of the length of it. The "thee" in there doesn't really feel that needed in my opinion and just feels there to be "Hey, look! I used an older word of English, is the poem good yet?" when the poem is already doing things for itself.

Her phantom shadow presently recedes,

Soul set in passion endless his search is.

What is the difference between a phantom and a shadow here, and why is it presently receding? These are some of the questions that pop up in my mind during the poem, because it's an interesting choice of how to word the poem. The second line here also doesn't make a ton of sense. Be sure to remind yourself that the reader of the poem doesn't know everything that you know, and that we only know what you've written down. I think you might have meant "souls set in endless passion" and we don't really know where the "his search" comes from, as no he was been mentioned beforehand.

A stanza newly erupts lips between,

Too greedy is a man to it behold.

Defense of hers does fracture due to him,

Celestial beings dance to foreign song.

The first two lines pack a punch, but the last two go back to not really being able to be understood as, again, what are these celestial beasts and why are they dancing to foreign song and where were they the rest of the poem? My main problem here is the clarity of the poem which is foggy. The third line here feels kind of awkward with "defense of hers does fracture due to him" which didn't really make sense or needs to be reworded. The last line works, but we don't really know where it came from.

If you're trying to do a work where it's able to be interpreted in a lot of ways, I don't think this is the way. You need to set the reader on a path during the poem and give them a general idea of the themes of the poem so that they know instead of being interpreting it wrongly or not as you had intended.

I hope this helped and have a great day!