When I was young,
everything was so much more fun.
Running from one room to another,
and troubling my parents,
whenever they tried to stop me.
~
I used to put my arms in my shirt,
pretending I lost them,
and when I was sure everyone panicked
bringing them out to surprise them.
~
Fake sleeping on the couch,
so that dad would carry me to bed.
Whenever on a road trip
thinking the moon followed our car
Trying to balance the switch between on and off,
throwing a fit whenever I succeeded.
~
Re-starting the video-game whenever,
I was sure I was going to lose.
And becoming extremely scared
whenever I swallowed a fruit seed,
thinking a tree was gonna grow inside me.
~
And how can I forget,
the way I used to close the fridge door,
extremely slow,
just to see when the lights went off.
~
All those deeds
sound nothing but crazy
to me now,
but seriously,
those were the days of my life,
when I didn't have a care in this world.
Seriously, when I was young
Everything was so much more fun…
~
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Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey phangirldivergent46, it's AshleyDashley here for a quick review!
I liked this poem your flow was nice and kept me reading. I like the description, because I could visualize what was going on and what you were saying. I did a lot of those things too and now that you mention it I can remember them. I can feel the emotion from then and I took this poem to heart. Overall you did an amazing job writing this. Great job and keep up the great work and I hope to read more of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley
AHAHHAHAHAHAH
You don't have to put a comma after parents. The line break can serve as a pause already. It will just sound awkward and weird if you do. That is my opinion, though, and you don't have to follow, because I am terrible at punctuation myself....hey there, I'm MemoryHunter. You probably know why I'm here.
Okay let's make this review neat and tidy, shall we? I present to you...
My article-writing style of things. ENUMERATIOOOOON!
1. starting lines
It's okay, but if you really want to crank it up a notch... you should think of another way to introduce nostalgia. Not "everything was so much fun" or whatever. How is it fun? Or, you can use imagery. As of now, it's looking fine, but it can be improved.
2. punctuation
I'm going to guess something: you're punctuation conscious. Sometimes you put commas where it would sound awkward to do so or where the line breaks already serve as a pause, so it's superfluous. Relax. Nobody's going to criticize you for no punctuation in one line. Though, you do have to be consistent with it. An example would be:
And this one too needs to be on par with the other parts of the poem. It should be "Whenever on a road trip, thinking the moon followed our car --- trying to ... " Or you can replace the dash with a comma if you like.
You could experiment with a variety of other punctuation marks besides periods and commas to make it more... flowery. xD
3. Did I relate?
Yes, yes I did. I thought I was the only one who believed that if I ate fruit seeds, a tree was going to grow inside my stomach! Ah, I feel so embarrassed. I was a silly child. I thought I was smart but I'm not xD. Thank you for reviving my childhood.
4. Ending
The ending was okay again. As always, you can tweak it to your liking. I won't tell you how, though, because you're the only one who would know how, since you are the writer. Also, the line breaks here are too frequent and disrupt the flow. Don't cut the sentences too abruptly. It damages the rhythm. For example:
It can just be:
"All those deeds sound
nothing but crazy to me now ... "
Or something. Just make the lines longer and less awkward with the flow. You cut them so short and I don't think it's necessary. Sometimes it's acceptable, but in this case, I think it's inappropriate. Or don't do it. It's just a recommendation. You're the writer ^-^
Seeing this and your first poem, I can see all the improvements. I love that. I love knowing that some writers never actually stop growing. They just keep writing. It's beautiful, the writing process and how we figure out our own journeys. Keep going forward!
As always, happy writing~
-fin-
thank you !
This really makes me want to be a kid again. This is insanely relatable, and well written as well! It feels like a deep thought from an adult who is just tired of being an adult. It made me think back to the good o'l days from when I was so young, and carefree. I like the way you made the stanzas and the title is fairly, interesting, and you delivered what I expected this to be: a beautiful nostalgic poem.
how do i delete comments? I accidentally posted the review twice but I don't know how to delete so I just changed it to this instead
i dunno..
Oh great poem!!
I could relate to this so much.
Especially the fake sleeping part:)
Great work girl!! Proud of you!
Keepwriting..
Your emotion keeper;)
~bookoholic22
You are my emotion keeper *brows raised* well you are.. see you in the evening ^-^ (no badminton today yay!)
See you too!! Oh no, tuition today. *hiting my head with my hands*
Shit!!! When will you get free *frowns*
Good good, very good poetry about being a small kiddo and doing whatever you want.
I think I have nothing bad to say or compail about in this piece because I did not find any problems with it which is kind of strange for me.So to go on with this writing:
1.The tittle is okey.Could be better but still catchy enough to make me look at it,right?
heh.
2.Your punctuation and grammar is on point atleast this is what I think about reading but who knows if i read it several times.Anyways,good job.Usually the most part of my review is to put fullstops or commas on the right places so you atleast gave me a relief with that one.i have absolutely nothing to correct here.What a relief!
3.Your idea is so sweet and cute!
Of course everyone can relate because we all were or still are kids because we all here are young so...it is relatable as I said earlier!This is good because readers get the idea very fast while reading.I like that it is a big longer than a basic short poetry.
thank you! and if you really liked it plz hit the "like" button...
of course
I love this! It is so sweet, and it reminds me of being an eight year old
*looks confused* aren't you still 8???
Sometimes *grins gleefully*
you mean most of the times right *looks seriously*
you mean most of the times right *looks seriously*
>^-^< yes!
I loved it and find it very relatable! I miss my childhood too.
hey its me Teacake013 ready to review your literature. just so you know i do not try to say anything that will make anyone mad. so if i do i'm so sorry. also i hope you review my story's and poems too. thanks for listening.
so i liked this poem overall is was strange but that's the beauty of it. I thought the format was good the punctuation was amazing. I loved loved loved the little curly signs!!! they are so cute.
the length of this poem was really refreshing cuase now of days everything are short poems.
My only comment that is that you haft to decide if you are rhyming this or not because you cant really go back and forth or it stats to confuse the reader and starts to ruin the flow. that and you spelled didn't wrong Overall, the poem is good.
well anyway i hope you make the right corrections and take my comments to heart <3
I really hope i helped you out in some way. Keep writing!!!!
love your faithful reviewer and fellow writer, Teacke013
thank you for the lovely comment! and i wasnt really trying to rhyme... so if does, it was not intentional...and if you really liked it please hit the 'like' button
hey its me Teacake013 ready to review your literature. just so you know i do not try to say anything that will make anyone mad. so if i do i'm so sorry. also i hope you review my story's and poems too. thanks for listening.
so i liked this poem overall is was strange but that's the beauty of it. I thought the format was good the punctuation was amazing. I loved loved loved the little curly signs!!! they are so cute.
the length of this poem was really refreshing cuase now of days everything are short poems.
My only comment that is that you haft to decide if you are rhyming this or not because you cant really go back and forth or it stats to confuse the reader and starts to ruin the flow. that and you spelled didn't wrong Overall, the poem is good.
well anyway i hope you make the right corrections and take my comments to heart <3
I really hope i helped you out in some way. Keep writing!!!!
love your faithful reviewer and fellow writer, Teacke013
hey its me Teacake013 ready to review your literature. just so you know i do not try to say anything that will make anyone mad. so if i do i'm so sorry. also i hope you review my story's and poems too. thanks for listening.
so i liked this poem overall is was strange but that's the beauty of it. I thought the format was good the punctuation was amazing. I loved loved loved the little curly signs!!! they are so cute.
the length of this poem was really refreshing cuase now of days everything are short poems.
My only comment that is that you haft to decide if you are rhyming this or not because you cant really go back and forth or it stats to confuse the reader and starts to ruin the flow. that and you spelled didn't wrong Overall, the poem is good.
well anyway i hope you make the right corrections and take my comments to heart <3
I really hope i helped you out in some way. Keep writing!!!!
love your faithful reviewer and fellow writer, Teacke013
you spelled dint wrong (didn't) I am sure you know that, though. Overall, the poem is good. Everyone who did that or at least one thing on here is awesome. But, you know the youth today only care about electronics and crazy stuff like that. They do not think they have ever done any of these things because their faces are in the screens of their $500.00 cell phones and tablets. But, I do salute the ones that still do it. They are still out there, those that make fart noises with their armpits, those who can touch their eyeball to gross people out, those children are there.
Lol, love the poem.
Thank you for the feedbac. And I fixed the error