I've got a dream
I know its not as simple
but I believe I'll be the one
no matter how far may be the run
I'll run as far as I can
and fight each and every man
~
My heart is blazing with fire
and I'm sure I'm gonna fulfill my desire
I know I'm not alone in this race
I know I've got a million people to amaze
people may think I m crazy
but I know I'm not getting dizzy
~
Yes I'm afraid of falling
but I know my legs are not shaking
yes I'm young and people can make fun
but I know I can
and one day I'll surely prove it to them
~
I'll fall and rise and rise and fall
and yeah I'll surely be hurt
but I'll get up and show the world
that I'm not gonna give up and stay cuddled
as long as I've got fire inside
I'm sure I'm not gonna hide
and when I'll finally find my key
though I know I won't be free
I'll look back and ask the caged ones
"hey don't you have a dream?"
~
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hello there! This is MemoryHunter, or avid Panic! At The Disco fan, or cranky Dota 2 player, or... class president... or... whatever~
This'll be a quickie compared to my other reviews just because I felt that the other reviewers have said all there is.
Anyways, here are things that need to be improved, in no particular order.
1. Stanzas
As I said in my other review, this feels and looks too long so others will probably get turned off. It's just my preference but I think you should separate them into more stanzas than just one. It's too lengthy this way. Trust me, it will look more neat and tidy.
2. Word choice
I know it's been said, but I'm going to say it again. Forced rhyming schemes are not a good thing. Personally, I prefer a free-verse poem as opposed to a forced rhyming poem. You could try half rhymes, it works too. Also, imagery. Improve your vocabulary, and don't be afraid to read your poem. When you do, think. Is it good? Do you relate? (That question is optional.) Are all the words that are in the poem important?
In poetry, you guessed it, all the words in the lines are important. So you've got to throw those useless ones out and end up with a BOOM! poem with impact on the readers. Not awkward poetry that consists of comparing victory or freedom or whatever to cream. But I'm sure you have improved now!
3. Perspective
I need a new perspective (Ha! A slight P!ATD reference). Optimism and you know, falling down but getting back up, is a common topic in poetry. As it is common, it gets boring when the work doesn't stand out. Imagine this: there are tons of other poems out there that is about optimism and whatnot. What makes yours different? I'm not saying that you shouldn't dwell in optimism, but you should twist optimism to your liking. Twist it so that the product is something unique, something out of the ordinary, not just something about you know, not giving up and dreams.
4. Punctuation
...yeah, you probably know about this.
Anyways, that's all, and as always, happy writing~
ME: why did i even write this?
MY BRAIN; cause u are a dumpass!
ME: I know this is crap!
MY BRAIN: ah! finally u got it! i've been sending so many signals to ur body to accept it!
ME: shut up!
Hey, yo, fangirldivergent46! Stranger, the New Americananihilist here, and I have a review for you on this fine day!
Alright, so if this is the first review you will receive from me, I have to cover what I do. I don't like a handful of poems. No, I'm not a pessimist, it's just that I find a lot of issues with the works I read. This isn't a personal attack against you, it's an attempt to make you grow as a writer.
That being said, I didn't like this at all. It felt too elementary for my tastes, and considering I'm one of the most simple members on this site, that's saying something. There was nothing that really caught my attention, it was something I've read nearly a hundred times before. Let's begin, shall we?
Three things. One, you have errors in here. I understand that people make "artistic decisions", but those just wouldn't make sense in this poem. Two, this line makes no sense. I honestly don't get the point of this. It seems like you only used cream because it rhymed with dream. That's not a good way to create your poem. It's a cop out more than anything. Third, this is already way too simple. This would be perfect for elementary schoolers. If that's what you're aiming for, then you have an A+ perfect poem. If not, then no.
The reason why most poets don't advise rhyming is that it limits your poetic ability. You could do so much with this topic, but you had the desire to rhyme, which immediately cuts your potential in half. There's not much else I can say, but you have this point to show that you have a dream, something to aim for, and you're willing to fight for it.
So what?
What else can you achieve? What else SHOULD you achieve? We've heard it all before, and this isn't anything special. You don't present it in a unique light, you didn't have variation, it's just something bland. That is no good in the end, I hate to be honest.
Also
This makes no sense.
Sorry for being a jerk, but that's my reviewing style. This isn't a bad poem, just needs some work.
Keep writing and stay groovy!
Hey dude. Sorry if you din't like my poem. Anyway this my first ever literary work and I know it is not really good. You could take a look at my other works and I guess you would find that I've improved. Anyway thanx for the review and have a gr8 day
Hi!!
)
I absolutely loved this! And, welcome to this amazingly, wonderful writing site!! There's really nothing like it, and I hope you enjoy the time you spend on here! I am in love with the Divergent series and Four is a goddess in the movies! (Took a peek at your avatar
The only thing I would suggest is that it is really helpful to re-read your world, either to yourself or out loud. It helps you catch spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes. Go back and re-read this, and I think you'll find them!
I love how well this flowed and gelled together, you made rhyming look easy! Thanks for the great read!
~Tiffany
Hey! I see you're a total newbie on this site, welcome then!
Meaning-wise, your poetry is wonderful. I like the concept of you having a dream and you're optimistic about fulfilling it even when you know there are going to be obstacles in your way. And, there is that prudent ending you have: Even when you get the key, you know you're not totally free and thus, you are thinking about the "caged ones." Very thoughtful. ^8^
But, there's always room for improvement and here's too. I have few suggestions for you. I hope you'll find them helpful. ^=^
Number 1: Throughout your poem, there are lack of apostrophe. You wrote "ill" while you meant, "I will" meaning you should've written "I'll" because the word "ill" has other meanings too.
So, can I suggest you to edit those "ill, ive, im?" They don't only look weird but indicates that you weren't dedicated enough to this work. ^3^
Number 2: Rhyming! Here the writers of YWS generally appreciate the effort of those who try rhyming, and I'm no different! Your effort is applaudable too! But, at many places in your poetry, rhyming sounded forced and childish. xD Trust me, I don't mind childish because I write things like that too and I don't think I'm a great at rhymes either and sometimes my one's sound forced too. So, I'm not complaining but yes, suggesting!
Look here,
"I'VE GOT A DREAM
i know its not as simple as having cream"
It sounds odd and doesn't really make proper sense. Just because the word "Cream" rhymes well with "Dream" doesn't mean you need to use it! Personally, "I've got a dream" this sentence means a lot to me. And, it holds a great impression. So, using silly words with it, just to make it rhyme, sounds little inappropriate to me.. :/ It's a different case if you're writing a humorous poem, then there, it's okay to use silly words!
But, your poetry is a sensible one!
Number 3: Even though I don't mind seeing decapitalization of words in poetry, certain facts have bugged me here. For example, you wrote the first sentence with ALL-CAPS but your rest of the poem lacks capitalization.. :3
Overall, if you could overcome the little childishness in your poem, it could sound better! And also, yeah, I think your spacing needs little work too, I mean, a lot of spacing between the lines!! >_<
Anyway, hope you have a great day and hope I've helped!
All the love~
Mailynire....thank you for your suggestions and I will surely try to improve them and the thing with apostrophes is that I tried 4 times but every time there was error and I got frustrated ...and any way could you help me with the cream line ....plz
Uhh... remove that line, maybe? And in the second line, replace the word "But" with "And" and I believe it'll flow nicely! :3 And, in the last line, "Cream" doesn't sound odd but you could add few adjectives (e.g. Yummy!) to make it sound more interesting! ^=^
Just like: "Don't you have a dream?
Don't you want to taste that yummy cream?"
Try better! I'm pathetic at rhyming! >_< Up to you!