When the air around us grows thick,
And we start choking.
That’s the time when we will realize
The end is coming.
~
The end – it is inevitable
It cannot be stopped
Or be predicted
But it is coming soon.
~
We will never know
When the sun will swallow our only earth
Or the moon will fall from the sky.
It may be tomorrow
Or the next month
Or the next year
But the end is coming
And it is coming soon
~
With each dying tree
Our breathes are shortened
With each destroyed lake
Our time is running
~
Towards the end
That’s when we will realize,
what is happening
But it will be too late by then.
And what we started,
Is surely gonna end.
~
When the moon and the sun cannot be seen
When the color of the sky cannot be defined
When the movement of the air cannot be felt
That’s when the end will come
And it is coming soon.
~
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140,224 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hello! Fandomsnmusic here to give you a semi-short review.
I really like this poem! The rhythm is pretty groovy as far as free-verse come, but it does have just a couple problems I'd like to smooth out.
First of I want to point out that @dogsrule5 has a point with the
"It cannot be stopped
Or be predicted"
It does seem a little repetitive and I think you could change it. Maybe you should write for the second line, "Or even predicted" or maybe be more repetitive instead to show that you're being repetitive on purpose, "It cannot be predicted".
The other thing I think you should change is the really long stanza "we will never know/when the sun will swallow our only earth/etc." I think after the verse, "Or the next year" you should hit enter there and leave those other two lines on their own. It shows the repetition you've got going there but it also shortens out that stanza.
Just my opinions on how I think you could make it a little better! As always, these are just my opinions, and you can change what I suggested if you want but if it doesn't really appeal to you then you could just stick with your stuff. Just wanted to let you know. That's all I've got in the way of nitpicks! Hope it helped you even though it is just a couple things.
Never stop writing!
fandomsnmusic
Thanx dude! I'll keep that in mind for future works!
No problem! Why'd it put mine up twice? *shrug*
Oh well sometimes error occur and it gets posted twice.
Huh, well, okay.
Hello! Fandomsnmusic here to give you a semi-short review.
I really like this poem! The rhythm is pretty groovy as far as free-verse come, but it does have just a couple problems I'd like to smooth out.
First of I want to point out that @dogsrule5 has a point with the
"It cannot be stopped
Or be predicted"
It does seem a little repetitive and I think you could change it. Maybe you should write for the second line, "Or even predicted" or maybe be more repetitive instead to show that you're being repetitive on purpose, "It cannot be predicted".
The other thing I think you should change is the really long stanza "we will never know/when the sun will swallow our only earth/etc." I think after the verse, "Or the next year" you should hit enter there and leave those other two lines on their own. It shows the repetition you've got going there but it also shortens out that stanza.
Just my opinions on how I think you could make it a little better! As always, these are just my opinions, and you can change what I suggested if you want but if it doesn't really appeal to you then you could just stick with your stuff. Just wanted to let you know. That's all I've got in the way of nitpicks! Hope it helped you even though it is just a couple things.
Never stop writing!
fandomsnmusic
Hey, Dogs here for a review.
So first, I really loved your poem, it showed that eventually our world will end, but we don't know when. I loved the meaning, and what the poem was about. Anyway let's move on... Shall we....
Okay so I'm going to point out a few errors, or nitpicks.
1.
This I'm sure someone has already pointed out, but I had to notice it was that you I think you mean choking. Now I'm no speller, or advanced language arts person, but I can figure out when something's spelled wrong... Most of the time....
I think the other nitpicks everyone else has pointed out, so we don't need to go over those, unless you really want me too, but I don't really think you need to hear the same review twice now do you?!
So let's talk about the poem in general now.
So what lured me in was the title "The End". It almost made me think like a love poem, until I read the description. The poem just sounded really good, and I was very intrigued and excited to read it. So, I just wanted to say that you made a really good poem, and I hope you keep up the great writing.
Keep up the amazing writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
Thanx dogs... and I guess I fixed those errors, isn't the edited work coming?
It is now, but I didn't notice that this morning when I reviewed your work, maybe it was gliching, but I see the editing now.
Thanks,
-Dogs <3
(^_^)
So, I see you like Divergent
Yeah. I just love divergent . Isn't it an amazing imagination.
I haven't read the second and third book yet. (Insurgent and Allegiant), but will certainly get to them when I can. I loved the first book though. Other than Dauntless what's your favorite faction?
Practically I love all the factions but my second favourite faction is amity. I mean yeah they can be irritating but they are good people <3. And you should surely read the other 2 books and the additional book from 4s pov.
I know, I really want to, but every time I try to get them, they are out from the library. I have other series I want to finish first though, because I will never forget about divergent. My whole 8th grade year, has pretty much been realting to Divergent in language arts class. Lol. Anyway some series you should check that I thought were really good are... If I stay, which I'm going to read the second book soon, and Eve which I need to read the second and third book for as well.
If I stay _ Adam and mis huh? Already read that book
and I'll check the other one out soon <3
Cool, I just finished it like a couple days ago, and now I really have to read the second book... LOl!
Yeah ... Where she want right?? Hey have you tried the mortal instruments series
No, but I really want to read those sometime, I tried to get the first book, but since the books are so popular, I can't manage to get it from the library, and they are so expensive at the book stores and stuff, but I heard they are really good! :3
Yep you should surely try those. And you know what they are realising a companion trilogy on 6th March and I'm so excited.
Yep you should surely try those. And you know what they are realising a companion trilogy on 6th March and I'm so excited.
Yep you should surely try those. And you know what they are realising a companion trilogy on 6th March and I'm so excited.
Cool! :3. So what's your favorite book, or book series?
I've got a number of them
divergent , the fault in our stars, twilight and tmi 
Twilight? Is that like the vampire books and stuff? Are they good?
Yeah!!! Haven't you read it... Its just amazing! I practically love Edward Cullen
No, I haven't read it. I want to I've heard they are really good books?
Yeah they are awesome! You should definitely try those...
Nice poem! I'll be reviewing and going over it!
Right when this poem took off, I knew it would be interesting. Great imagery, and in some parts it flows real nice.
I just want to say two things here that you could change. Chocking - I believe you meant choking . I don't think the period is necessary at the end here, because you continue on with the stanza like the period isn't there, which gets me confused.
The "be" right before "predicted" doesn't seem to fit right, so I would take it out. If you want better flow in the poem, you want to make sure no small words can stop that, such as words like the, a, be, and, etc. A small word (such as one I listed) can really make a difference - good or bad. I think in this case, the "be" doesn't just prevent flow, but it also sounds repetitive, as you had just written it a line above. I would also suggest to read over it, just in case you don't agree. Right now it sounds like you just put the words together, and didn't revise it, like adding punctuation and deleting words that aren't needed.
Skipping ahead and further into this poem:
It's an obvious typo, but just to point it out, goanna should be gonna.
And just to shorten the line, I would split "that's when we realize what is happening," into half, to let the reader catch some are in between.
Now, the last stanza is good the way it is. I would just like to point out that in almost every end of your stanzas, you had written ..."it is coming soon". I don't know if you were aiming to repeat this each time; if you were then I would only suggest one thing. I would have written something like "And we're reaching the end" or some variation of that, just to spice it up. However, I would only put that in the last stanza, as I see it is a sort of conclusion to the poem.
This is I really good poem!
Never stop writing!
- Sunset101
Thanx for reviewing... And your review made perfect sense to me. And yeah I'll try to fix all the errors you have listed. Thanx again
Hi! I really like the flow of your poem and in particular I like the line: 'when the color of the sky cannot be defined, when the movement of the air cannot be felt,' as they are really powerful lines. The repetition of certain words in your poem works really well and I like how you leave each stanza in suspense. There are a few things that could be corrected, such as: 'Our breathes are shortened' should be 'our breaths are shortened', 'goanna' is 'gonna' and when you said that 'our time is running,' I'm guessing you missed out 'short.' Except from that, you addressed a topic that is not usually covered and did it really effectively. I hope to see more of your work in the future!
Thanx for the review jas
Firstly, "chocking" is to stop the movement of a wheel with a chock, so I'm guessing you mean "choking". "Goanna" I assume is "gonna" and the comma in the line above it is unnecessary. Otherwise, it was well written and with a lot of meaning behind it. I may be slightly confused why it's labelled "humor" but it was very realistic. Some lines were very hard hitting such as "when the color of the sky cannot be defined", and the repetition of "and it is coming soon" was very effective. Your poem has a good message and your description is clever, and it speaks of something very important. Well done, and good luck writing more!
Thanx for the review