I’ll stand, I’ll fight
I won’t stop until night
Till the darkness turns bright
And I have all the might
~
I’ll try, I won’t stop
I won’t cry, I’ll rock
I’ll work for my right
Be it dark or be light
~
Don’t try, oh you don’t
Or you’ll cry all alone.
Cuz the stars shine bright
When it’s all dark at night.
~
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Standing and fighting are always good things.
The second and third lines confuse me a bit though. You say you wont stop 'until night' and then 'till the darkness turns bright'(which I assume to be morning) so which is it?
I would add the word 'it' between 'be' and 'light' in the 4th line of the second stanza.
I do really like the imagery of it needing to be dark for the stars to shine bright in the final stanza.
A nice poem, could use a little work and then maybe a great poem
um...thanx! and this one was a lot more crappy than my usaual work! but any way thank you...
I loved this, it had a great rhythm, and a wonderful rhyme scheme.
Write more...
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
By the way, I started following you...
Thanx dude
No problem man
Hello fangirldivergent46! CHRISSY321 here to review your little rap/poem here!
I think that this is a pretty good piece of writing, especially for just writing it at the spur of the moment in a math class-though I do not condone not paying attention in class
I love how you kept the constant theme going with the determination and the time of day, which is really cool
There are a few thing that I would change though about your rap/poem here:
here you are saying that you will keep going until the dark of night. The last line you say until you 'have all the might' but technically you would run out or might by then, so technically shouldn't you put :
"I’ll stand, I’ll fight
I won’t stop, until night
Till the darkness turns bright
Will I run out of might"
I think this make s a little more sense
I think you meant to put " 'Cuz "
Other than that this was really good! Keep writing!
~Chrissy <3
Thanx chrissy. And anyway there was not much going in the class so I just started to write.
Hey there!
I really love this poem, it's pretty and tells a really cool story about determination.
There are a few things I would change though.
Feel free to make the changes, if not it's still a really wonderful poem. Great job.
I think line two would flow better if you took out the comma before "stop" and "night"
"Maybe a rewrite of "Don't try, oh you don't" would be better. I personally am not fond of the word "oh in any poem. I was thinking the line, "don't try, just don't" would be better.
"Caz" I asume should have been "Cuz" but I think you should rewrite it as "Cause"
-Chakeber
Thanx chakeber