Recently, Fate has been doing everything to catch my attention: destroying my notes, breaking my belongings, causing car crashes, everything. But today, she dropped a metal beam on my way to school.
Only one thing was in mind as I ran from the construction site: find Fate.
However, she found me first, just like she always did. "Hello, Eugene," she greeted.
I dropped my bag at the door. "Get off my bed."
She gladly obliged. "I heard you wanted to see me."
"That's my line," I said as I gave her some orange juice from the fridge. "What do you want?"
"I want to be your lover."
"Is that all?"
"I want to be your lover," she repeated firmly.
"No."
"Why?"
"I've seen what you've done to those you 'loved'. You're a control freak. "
"But Eugene, you're different. I promise from now on I'll be your best lover."
I felt an unusual sincerity in her voice, but knowing her, I couldn't take chances. "No."
I expected an angry reaction, but she just smiled at me and pulled me in a tight embrace. I felt her long auburn hair rest upon my shoulder and her full breasts press against my chest.
"You know, you always defy me and get your way in the end," she said. "I don't know why, but I just fall for you even more whenever you do it." Then slowly, she whispered:
I love you, Eugene.
Silence ruled, until Fate finally let go of me and planted a kiss on my cheek. "I'll see you around, Eugene." Then she smiled again, and left my room.
I stood there in silence, rubbing where she had left her mark, remembering her sweet smile. I couldn't help but smile too, knowing that fate just smiled upon me.
(298 words)
Author's Note: This was supposed to be my entry for the Short Shorts Tournament, but it turns out the prompt was taken. rip
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138,382 Literary Works • 672,113 Reviews
Wow. I'd never quite known just how short flash fiction could be until I read this. I don't mean it in a bad way, of course. ^^
Overall, I think this was a pretty neat (albeit slightly rushed) piece that wrapped up the moment.
Keep writing,
Mira.
This is super duper good, I liked it a lot! However, one thing I noticed was that you were missing quotation marks when Fate said, "I love you Eugene"
Also, how on Earth did she get in his house? Did he leave the door unlocked? How come he didn't wonder about it? Let alone mention it to her.
Other then that, I was really good, and I really enjoyed it. I can't wait to read more from you!
As always, keep writing, as long as you enjoy it!
Horisun out!
Hey there outvaders. Sorry it took me so long to get here and answer your review request. I've been busy with finals and semesters this week. So without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I had seen this prompt in the Writers Tournament and I was going to stick around just to see how someone wrote it. This little piece turned out to be very interesting and amusing. I really got attached to your previous flash fiction character but that might have been for the sadness. For this one, it's almost a comedy and it can't be taken as seriously.
Does that make any sense or am I just talking nonsense? Perhaps this sounds better. The previous story was more realistic and dramatic but this one is more mythology and comedic.
So I'm on mobile doing this review and I can't quote certain parts. Instead my comments are just organized paragraph by paragraph.
P1. Wow. She must really be obsessed with this guy to possibly (probably did) kill a bunch of innocent people. I mean who knows if they're innocent it's just an expression, they might have been members of the mob. Just wondering but why was the metal beam the breaking point. All of this bad stuff has been happening all month long. But why was the metal beam the straw that broke the camel's back?
P2. He skips school just to find Fate. That's very responsible and not showing you need her at all. (Again sorry for the sarcasm and jokes throughout my review.). Someone already mentioned this before but you don't have much of a transition between running home and the conversation starting. It's a bit hard to read but I understand the word limit constraints.
P3. Hm. I really don't think the "she greeted" part is necessary. I know on pieces where there's a lot of dialogue, you want as many cues as possible. But before this in the actual dialogue itself and the previous sentence, you've pretty much identified Fate and it would fit the character for her to talk first.
Lines of Dialogue 1-13. I don't have much to say for the dialogue because I would be overlapping with some of your other reviews. I don't like to add that sort of thing to my rep so you'll pardon me if I don't say much. The dialogue is another part of the story that is almost humorous but then it has a spike in serious.
P5. So someone mentioned about the sexual part of this before but there were some points I like to add. I realize some of her details and such were to express age and perhaps maturity. Though I'm guessing you're a guy and not very familiar with young girls and puberty. The 'full breasts' of Fate doesn't always point towards older women. Sorry for that conflicting idea of mine. I tried to state it as gently as possible. Also with those little details, you might want to raise the rating a bit. At least to 12, maybe to 16.
The Rest: I have nothing to say for these ones except great job with the ending. It did feel a bit rushed but this is flash fiction after all.
Have a nice day!
Lizzy
The Goddess of Math
I feel a bit bad about this. It didn't really quite reach my standards, and was ridiculously rushed. I'm glad this prompt was taken though. I'll remaster this storyline and make a noir version of Miss Fortune (feat. Fate).
The metal beam, well, for me, it's insane sh*t. You're literally going to interfere with some heavy-duty and dangerous stuff, and risk killing several civilians and probably injure more. I mean, if someone threw a grenade in your direction just to catch your attention, wouldn't you think that's a bit too much? I mean, innocent people are getting dragged into this situation, and you'll probably want to stop this at once.
As for my description of Fate (fuller breasts, taller, long auburn hair), it's a stereotype. For a good reason. It's also like a contrast, an older woman (only God knows how old she is) trying to catch the attention of a younger guy. You figure out the rest.
Anyways, thanks for taking the time to nitpick this really rushed stuff. It helps a lot.
It's a great story, but I don't have a reason to be attached to any of the characters, so I don't really care who does what. That's your main job as a writer, especially with short stories. Make me emotionally invested in your characters.
Consider this as "How To Not Write Flash Fiction" by awtbeyders. It's ridiculously rushed, one long story haphazardly crammed into 300 words. I'll have to rewrite this one sometime.
Also, could you tell why you don't really feel anything?
Don't get me wrong, i think the story is great, I just feel that a part of it is missing. One of a writers jobs is to give the reader a reason to care about what the protagonist is doing. I need to feel a connection with the character in order to invest myself in the story. That's the only thing you didn't do.
Hi outvaders! Mage here to do the promised review!
I got a kick out of this. Fate being an actual person made me laugh, and the title, like with your other story, made sense after reading the story.
The first part made me laugh, and the second part made me laugh even harder. One has to wonder what Eugene was doing in a construction site in the first place.
I just burst out into laughter at this.
This story was a really uplifting piece. Keep up the awesome work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Hey, boss Outvaders! Here to review!
Since everything except the first sentence is in past tense, stick to that past tense. 'Fate has' should be 'Fate have'.
I think the transition here is a bit abrupt. First he's at the construction site and now he's in bed. If it isn't because of Eugene's dialogue, I wouldn't know he's in the room.
This is more to personal suggestion, but is there any need to describe her breasts? >.> Some readers can be uncomfortable with this... especially kids! I think it's better to focus on other things that don't suggest anything... sexual? Like, the warmth coming from her, the fragrance she's wearing. I prefer things like that, but again, this is a personal suggestion.
I would italicize this because it's not part of the narration...
Anyway, I think this is a neat flash fiction. The idea of Fate making an effort to attract a human's attention is interesting. The first half of the story is understandable, as some of us just have horrible fate (or luck) in life. The second half needs more thinking. How can Fate love someone? If she could, does that mean that person would be lucky? If so, there's no wonder this story is titled Miss Fortune, and the ending is Eugene smiling after knowing Fate smiles at him.
I also like Eugene, how you develop his character. He's something I can picture in real life, and his determination to get away from Fate is impressive.
Overall, this is a nice story. There's definitely romance, but I guess I prefer more subtle form of it. Keep up the good job!
If you dig a little bit more, you'll notice that I'm tryna describe Fate. The fact that her hair rested on Gene's shoulders proves that she of the same height as Gene, or at least taller than him. Her bewbs and the way she speaks and says things say that she isn't just an obsessed girl; she's older than Gene or at least more mature than him. Big bewbs, taller height and a certain manner of speech, if fused correctly, can represent a mature or older woman.
That's just one thing. I feel that you didn't dig deep enough. Or I'm just bad at leaving hints.
Anyways, thanks for the review!
Btw, I'll just drive you nuts and say I'm not going to italicize those important parts. Read certain flashfics and noir fiction, and you'll see what I mean.
Hey, there! Wow, this was quite entertaining and easy to read. I really like the thing you did there with the names. One of the things I've learned from my Literature professor is to always think about what names mean, nouns in general. Are they capitalized or not? Do they carry any other meaning that's not the one you'd think of on a normal basis?
I did honestly enjoy that, and I thought the story was comic itself. The mere fact of Fate doing the impossible to be with him--and I'm deeply intrigued with the whole, "causing car crashes" business you mentioned--makes it easier for the reader to relate the story with real life.
I don't know, it was short, but something about the way you write really amuses me. Its simplicity is captivating, and, let's get real for a second, who doesn't enjoy a good, humorous romance story?
Good job, buddy!
Sincerely, Writer1204
Hello outvaders, I'm going to begin by saying that this story has an interesting concept. However, it is a bit confusing. For instance, is Fate literally fate or is she just a regular ravaging girl. Another thing thing that I don't understand is the relationship between the characters. There isn't much there when it comes to substance. I think you should write more or edit a few things to make the story much clearer.
I don't know, maybe you didn't read the storyu the way it was supposed to be. I mean, what kind of regular ravaging girl has the power to break in other people's homes, destroy someone else's belongings, cause car crashes, and drop metal beams without getting detected?
I'll admit that this flashfic is flawed and I am willing to take criticism, but only if it is deserved and the points are valid.
Anyways, thanks for the review!