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18+ Language Mature Content

An Utterly Stupid, Nonsensical, and Ultimately Fruitless Exercise to Practice my Suspenseful Writing

by Kazumi


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

Author's notes:

1. It's written like a stage play and a screenplay, but I actually wrote this with the comic medium in mind. I just didn't include panels in this script because that's not the point of the exercise.

2. This is a writing exercise where I practice my suspense writing. You're invited to comment whatever comes into mind, but I'd appreciate it especially if you let me know what you think about my suspense writing.

3. Also, this script involves someone trying to drug people at a party. Slipping roofies is not a particularly smart idea, so don't try this at home--unless you're looking for free housing at your nearest state prison.

4. Also also, for context, a Grab is the equivalent of Uber for you dirty non-Southeast Asians (jk ily)

Characters:

  • C - The girl. Bullied in the past, but now had her glowup. However, highly anxious and beauty-conscious as a result.
  • K - An unlikely ally C teamed up with. He’s the mastermind behind their sting operation on E. Unbeknownst to C, K is crushing on her.
  • E - The former bully of C and K. The latter two are going up his ass (figuratively).

INT. The party is in its middle stages--the energy has died down, but people are still drinking and playing some light games. C and K go over the plan in a corner of the house.

K:

Alright, let’s go over it.

C:

I’ll approach him, then… seduce him. Then find a way to put one of these (holds a pill in her fingers) to put in his drink.

K:

How will you put it in?

C:

I’ll invite him to a drink, and make him a cocktail with the small bar at the other side of the house. I’ll slip this in there.

K:

Yes.

C:

This thing’s a slow-acting sedative, so nobody will suspect it when he gets sleepy after drinking. At which point, we’ll help him out.

K:

How do you know we won’t get spotted?

C:

He doesn’t have any of his close friends here. I know it because of how we’ve been observing him. Plus, he’s simply jumping from conversation to conversation. It’s weird, but it works out for us.

K:

Good.

C:

You haven’t told me something yet, though.

K looks at her.

C:

After we get him out and onto a Grab, though, where to?

For someone as thorough as you, you haven’t told me about it.

K:

We’ll see.

C:

What do you mean, “we’ll see”?

We’re getting into some illegal shit here, and we’ll just see?

K:

(defensive) Of course, I’ve thought about it. Just trust in me. I’d never want us to get caught.

C:

(eyes him up and down) We’ll just talk to him, alright? Then we’ll let him go, without giving him any evidence to pin us down.

K:

Of course. Just talk.

C:

It better damn be.

K:

(claps hands) Anyway, are you sure you got this? You’re putting your hands together a lot--self-soothing behavior.

C:

Yeah. I watched a lot of Charisma on Command last night.

K:

(laughs) I hope you can bring out that inner charisma of yours. You got this. (pats her on the back, his touch lingers)

After a short while, C approaches E. He’s sitting on a sofa in the house, checking his phone. K watches from behind and afar.

C:

Hey~

Is this seat open?

E:

(furrows his brows) Come again?

C leans over. E can smell her cologne and see her cleavage.

C:

(louder) Sorry. Is this seat open?

E:

(inches back a little) Ah. Yeah, go ahead.

C sits down with her drink in her hand. She seems stiff. Elan is still there, checking his phone out. He steals glances at her occasionally, and so does C as she’s waiting for him to make his move, but E always goes back to his business.

C clears her throat, props herself up to highlight her chest and her curves. E looks at her briefly, and C looks at him for their reaction--they lock eyes for a moment, she smiles. E smiles back at her, laughs a little. But he goes back to his business.

C’s thoughts:

What the hell? I thought these were the kinds of girls you liked!

C tries to make a move towards him. She adjusts her skirt and sitting position in such a way that her knee touches his--and she keeps it there. She watches for his response.

E doesn’t look at her anymore. He crosses his legs to avoid contact.

C’s thoughts:

Fuck, I’m losing him.

In the back, K is watching them. Then he spots a couple of people leaving the party.

K:

Come on, girl. The party is starting to die down!

A very long silence starts. A shot of E glancing at C out of the corner of his eye. He is staying out of curiosity of what she is doing, but he is not making a move on her. Then when he sees nothing is happening, he goes back to what he was doing.

Meanwhile, C is freezing up in her seat. All the reading she has done on the matter has escaped her when she needed it the most.

E stands up and leaves, turning his back to her.

C:

(gasps, covering her mouth)

K:

(comes up to her from behind) What are you doing!?

C:

(whispers) I don’t know! I never did this before!

K:

(clicks his tongue) God dammit.

Well, whatever. We can get him somehow, next time. I don’t know how though, he’s seen you already.

C puts her hand to her face. A part of her is relieved it’s over, but her disappointment is obvious.

C:

(hands still in face) I don’t know, I think I can still follow him. We still got this.

When she stands up, she’s face to face with E, who came back with a slice of pizza on a plate.

C and E:

Ah!

They look at each other. E quickly recovers though.

E:

May I sit here?

C:

Uh… Sure! Sure! Go ahead!

E:

(sits down, laughs, maddeningly charming) Of course. I heard you the first time.

C sits down, flustered. She looks to where K once was--he got himself out of there. She’s on her own again.

E:

Oh. There’s a smudge on your shirt (points to her midriff)

I’ll get it for you.

He pulls out a handkerchief--elegant, white--then presses it on the spot of the stain. The way he cleans it, he’s putting force into it. As if he’s taking care to feel the curves on her body. C can do little but hold on to the arm of the sofa.

E:

(looks at her, knows what he’s doing) Sorry. Did that feel weird?

C:

(relaxes) It’s fine.

E:

You’re kinda weird.

C:

Huh?

E:

The way you’re coming onto me is kind of weird.

C looks at him in a shocked way.

E:

I mean, usually, instead of subtle hints, other girls would usually chat me up in some way. Walk up to me and say, “Hi, mind if I sit here? I’m…” let’s say, “…Anna, by the way. Nice to meet you.” Then they’ll go for something direct, like “Hey, you’re pretty cute.”

They’re pretty-looking girls, fair skin, good features. But we don’t end up clicking, sadly…

As E is talking, C is looking down at her hands. She’s playing with her fingers, self-soothing behavior. He’s not saying anything wrong, but something about talking to him just makes her blood boil inside. But then she gets an idea. She covers her mouth, trying to hide her smile.

E:

Are you okay?

C:

(puts her hand down) Hmm… so you find it more interesting to talk about other girls than it is to talk to me?

E:

I-. Ah.

C:

Look at you, Mr. Popular. I can’t hope to measure up to you like that.

Come on, tell me more about it.

E’s face contorts into a combination of shock, and a momentary flash of anger. But in the end, he simply sighs.

C’s thoughts:

Shit. That came out too aggressive.

But you’re still gonna press on, right?

E:

Hmm. Looks like I offended you in some way.

(stands up) I’m sorry. Have a good night.

C’s thoughts:

What!?

C:

(takes him by the hand) Heyheyheyheyhey! Um, I’m just kidding!

E:

Kidding? You sounded angry to me.

C:

My friends told me to tease people and play hard-to-get!

E:

(laughs) You’re increasing the difficulty too much!

C smiles a bit, a bit of a laugh.

E:

By any chance, is this your first time, uh… flirting with someone?

C:

Ah. (softly) Uh, yeah.

E:

(laughs a little more) No wonder!

C starts to find herself laughing with him. Just his mirth alone is infectious. But she remembers who she’s with. She tries to stifle it.

E:

Don’t worry, you’re doing great. It’s cute in its own way.

C:

(tries to hide a smile) Thanks.

E:

I haven’t seen you around. Which uni are you in?

C:

We’re in the same uni. I’m C.

E:

Ohhh. I’m E. It’s fun talking to you.

C:

I know you. I’ve seen you around. (pause) In the Rock Garden, around the Horace Building, and I see you a lot in the cafe.

E:

Too shy to come up to me? I don’t bite. (smiles)

C laughs a little.

E:

Well, here’s your chance.

C’s thoughts:

I make conversation with him. It’s not hard on my end, since I’ve thoroughly prepared my backstory, and he’s the one carrying the conversation by getting to know me.

Actually, come to think of it, this is the first time I ever had an ordinary conversation with him, outside of him talking shit to me or us fighting. I hate to admit it, but it’s actually pleasant to make conversation with him.

(Her expression turns dark). But I know that’s just how slimy sons of bitches like him get into girls’ pants. They’re all charismatic on the surface, but deep down, they’re hiding something hideous.

K is in the background, watching them. He’s watching her smile in E’s conversation with her. He starts to feel a hint of something… of envy? She never smiled like that when he talked to her.

He finds a way to get into her line of sight. Once he’s caught her attention, he points to his wrist.

C’s thoughts:

(looks at clock) Time flies by so fast!

E:

...So yeah, that’s it about me. What do you do for fun?

C:

Good timing! I was just going to bring it up--I’m learning how to bartend right now.

E:

Oh, really? Are you gonna pursue that as a career?

C:

Not really. I just find the mixing of drinks kind of fun.

There’s a mini-bar in this house, right? Want to make me something for you?

E:

…Nah. I’m no longer in the mood to drink. Gotta sober up.

C:

(holds his hand) Pleeeease?

Watching from afar, K’s eyes widen when he sees her doing that.

C:

I haven’t shown anyone other than my sister yet. I’ll make something light and sweet, if you want. (she shakes his hand playfully)

E:

(a beat) Okay, fine.

They go to the mini-bar. It’s noticeably way better lit. He sits down, and she takes her position behind the bar. K follows them.

In the light of the bar, E gets a better look at her. He eyes her up and down, scrutinizing particularly her face. C pretends not to see him checking her out.

E:

One of… whatever you have here.

C:

(ties hair) Coming up.

C starts to go through the motions of mixing the drink, slicing lemons and all, while E watches.

During the process, C steals glances at E. He’s not giving her an opening to slip the drug in, but she’s already fifty-percent through the process of mixing the drink.

E:

Can I join you there? I wanna watch.

C:

Why? You got all that you need to see from there.

E:

Why not? I just want to know what it looks like from inside.

C sighs. E enters the bar with her, to her surprise. She jumps a little bit.

E:

(stands at a distance) I’m just watching.

C frowns a little, but she keeps mixing. She’s slowing down a little though--she’s in deep thought as to what she’ll do now.

She looks around in the cabinet for anything she can use as a diversion. Bottles of liquor, other cocktail shakers… an empty ice box. E leans over to look at what she’s looking at, but she stands up.

C:

(scratches her nape) Could you get me some ice from the fridge over there?

E:

Do I have to? I want to stay here with you. (grin)

C:

(sighs) Consider that your entrance fee.

E shrugs, and walks away. In the short time that he’s gone, she reaches into her pocket, gets the small plastic bag of tablets, and fumbles to get one out. One falls into the ground, but she kicks it under the counter. She puts the pill into the cocktail shaker, a few seconds before E comes back with a bucket of ice.

E:

Here.

He tries to come in again, but she pushes him out.

C:

Don’t bother. I’m almost done anyway.

E:

You could keep this frozen all by yourself. Ice queen.

C:

(snort) Call it a craftsman’s concentration.

E:

I’ve never heard of that term. Did you make it up?

C is about to put the ice in, but E seems to have remembered something.

E:

Wait, wait! Could you add some of that in the drink? (points to the back)

C:

This one?

E:

No, it’s a little to the left. (leans over to see)

In that brief moment, E sees the recognizable mole on C’s nape. His eyes widen a little when he realizes it, but he tries not to show it.

C:

Huh? Are you sure? It’s incompatible with the drink.

Hello? (turns around) E?

E:

Ah. Yeah, if you say so. That one’s one of my favorites, but if you say so.

C:

Silly requests.

She puts the ice in, and starts shaking. And shaking. And shaking.

E:

You’re taking an awful long time.

C:

(panting) This one’s just special. And, I want to make sure everything mixes well.

After a long while of shaking, she puts the shaker down, and opens it up.

C’s thoughts:

Yeah, it’s probably dissolved now.

What comes out is a cool-looking drink, pure in its blueness--the drug has fully dissolved. She puts it in a glass and adds a lemon on top.

C:

(smiles) Here you go.

E:

You look an awful lot happy.

C:

Of course. I made it with lots of care. Knock yourself out with it. (laughs a little)

E inspects the drink, from the side and up and down. There’s a bit of a somber look on his face. C thinks she’s screwed up somewhere, but she doesn’t know what.

C:

What are you waiting for? It’s all yours.

E:

(still inspecting) Say, you’re Cathy, aren’t you?

C freezes.

C:

Who’s that? (laughs nervously) Maybe you got me mixed up because you’re so popular!

E:

She’s--no, you’re that girl I knew from before. I knew your face looked familiar. Thinner, less blemishes, but still recognizable.

I made you turn around so I could confirm it. You have her mole on her nape.

C:

(touches her mole) Haha… Everyone has a mole on their nape, right? (a beat, then softer) Oh wait… that doesn’t sound right…

E:

(looks her in the eye, sternly) There’s no need to hide it.

C is standing there like a stick on a winter night. Twiddling her thumbs doesn’t help the fear she’s now feeling as E’s scrutinizing her. Neither she nor K expected this, or made any plans in case this happened.

But then, he drinks the cocktail in one go.

C’s thoughts:

Huh? (eyes widen) Yes! Yes! I got you! I got you now, you sick fuck!

E:

I’m so sorry, Cathy.

Now it’s C’s turn to be shocked.

C:

What!? What do you mean?

E doesn’t respond. He simply looks down at the bar counter, holding the glass in his hand. C is still dumbfounded.

Meanwhile, K is silently rejoicing from the sidelines. The second part of the plan is underway.


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41 Reviews


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Reviews: 41

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Thu Jun 03, 2021 6:50 pm
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MayCupcake wrote a review...



Hi Kazumi!
Here's a review for you today!

I’ll approach him, then… seduce him.


Well then... off to a great start lol. I honestly laughed when I read that and it was literally only the second line. I guess I just wasn't expecting it. XD For some reason I made her sound kind of maniacal in my head.

What the hell? I thought these were the kinds of girls you liked!


Pffftt, guess not!
C approaches
E uses ignore!...His defense is up!
C uses seduce!...It's not very effective...

Watching from afar, K’s eyes widen when he sees her doing that.


♫ Jealousy!♩ (Mr. Brightside) That tune always pops into my head with that word lol.

Anyways, those were my reactions while reading this. I thought that this was a good start to a story and possible comic! I've been trying to make my own comic, so I was picturing this more in my head and I thought it would have a nice flow to it! I liked the imagery of the blue drink C mixes up and the tablet bouncing onto the floor and then shoved underneath the counter. Also, at the end I imagined K would have his own small side panel of him partying quietly to himself, haha. Overall, I think it's a pretty cool script! Keep on writing!




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Thu May 06, 2021 1:35 pm
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Ohhh I can see the conflict coming

This was AWESOME
The tension was great, I have no idea what the writing exercise was, but this was just wonderful. I really hope you further explore these three characters and their stories, they have such great chemistry and their interactions are fun to read.

As a short story where there's supposed to be tension, I feel like you could've written this as a short story instead of a script. A script is made to be transcribed to the screen/ theatre. But here, we'll never see it. What is more, a short story focuses on characters and dialogue, but also on setting. And description. Which would've been to amp the tension a bit.



What are ways to add tension ?

- have characters we care about.

For that reason, maybe C's backstory could've been developed a bit more. Instead of just being called names, perhaps E turned the whole school on her, perhaps he spread rumours about her, perhaps instead of a mole, he threw a hot liquid at her (which is how he recognises her later on, since moles are pretty frequent).
Because otherwise, each of their personalities were very well developed, which made the tension intensely gripping. But developing one character's motivations a bit more with a more complex backstory, would really help.

- foreshadowing

Let me rectify that, have OBVIOUS foreshadowing. If a character extensively talks about a gun, you know the gun is gonna pop up later on. That's obvious foreshadowing.
if we take the example I said would make C more complex, this would happen:

E threw her hot liquid when she was smaller, which caused her to have a huge burn on her neck/back/..
K goes over on how she should hide that burn absolutely otherwise he'll guess it's her, and maybe you spend a scene where she tries hiding it, or then she just tells him she put on makeup. Or some other substance, that can easily be taken off (thus showing the burn)

Just with that, I know that he's gonna see the burn. it's obvious. There's just way too much time that was taken to talk about it.
To honour this foreshadowing, E could see the burn. It's still very similar to the flow of events in your short, but because there's foreshadowing, we KNEW it was gonna happen, amping up the tension

I'm not a fan of writing this kind of thing, so I don't know much about the techniques, but I still hope this was helpful. Have a great day <33333





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