[The last day of the Grade 11 final exams. The last day of school.]
She woke up, finding herself seated on the benches beside the school cashier.
The friendless statue of Saint Kostka stood among the empty benches surrounding him, helpless against the deluge pouring down on him.
She barely heard the ring of her phone over the static of the rain.
Will be late. 2 hours. was the message of her driver.
She leaned back on the bench, blankly staring at the rowdy Junior High boys eating and yelling at the top of their lungs and having fun with their Switches in the corner of their classrooms. She couldn't even bother to let out a sigh.
In her bored reverie, however, she heard the measured plucking of guitar strings from behind her. It sounded tentative at first, as if it was tuning itself, listening for the right pitch on each string--then it gained confidence, slowly crescendoing into a melody which sounded oddly, warmly familiar before. Huh? she thought. Then her eyes quickly widened. Wait, I think I heard this before!
She turned around, and she saw that person--that cutie whom she saw at the Involvement Fair at the beginning of the year, that cutie who left her with weak knees and sleepless nights the first time they laid their eyes on each other, that cutie whom she despaired over after seven whole months of fruitless searching. Finally, just when she thought all hope was lost, she was finally face-to-face, and eye-to-eye with... her?
(254 words.)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,357 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
He, if you're planning on continuing this idea into something, I'd totally suggest that you do! I really liked the premise, even though it's not generally the type of thing I like reading. I usually dislike love-at-first-sight stories, but you have the potential to make this good, be it in comic form or otherwise.
The first little nitpick I have is with the opening. Why is she asleep? It feels strangely out of place. She might be asleep out of boredom, sure, but she only gets the message that she has two hours to kill later, so why would she be sleeping before that? It could be worth clarifying, but I honestly think it would be better to just remove that bit entirely. She doesn't need to be asleep at the beginning of the story, you can just being out her tiredness/boredom in other ways.
Another minor thing lies in this sentence:
"Huh? she thought. Then her eyes quickly widened. Wait, I think I heard this before!"
Generally, it may not be the best idea to write out your main character's thoughts directly like this. It can soon devolve into 'telling, not showing'. I understand that you might have done this just because this a comic-strip piece, and if it works well in that context then it's fine. It's just generally a better idea to show us how the character feels, not what the character feels, you know?
"It sounded tentative at first, as if it was tuning itself, listening for the right pitch on each string--then it gained confidence, slowly crescendoing into a melody which sounded oddly, warmly familiar before."
Just wanted to say that this is really nice sentence! It's easily my favourite part of the whole extract; it's probably the main reason I think this has such good potential! Well done
Hi @Kazumi I am here to do a review on this work here. So lets get right in to it.
I kind of found this funny for some stranch ression, but I think that one line just stricks me like the last day of school. Yaya that is so cool I don't have to do it for a while until school holidays or over.
I thought about this and I just thought o dear what happened there, why was she a sleep. I mean really lol. I feel like this line just got me going a little you no like got me thinking what is going to happen now, is she in a bit of trouble or something.
I just though I no when I read this bit. I think that your description is great maybe it could do with a little bit of work on it but I really think that your writing is just really good. I do think that you could just ad a bit more feelings with your character though. But I don't want to bring you down because this is really good.
So that is all that I can say so I hope you find this not to mean or harsh I was just hopping for a nice review for you to read.
Have a great Day/Night
Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews
thank you. I'll take what you said into consideration <33
Well, I think you should totally make it in a comic strip, this is quite interesting!
The beginning is really beautiful, with the melody on a rainy day, I think it has just the right essence of a romantic story. I don't usually read much romance, but the part where the guitar starts playing in the rain totally pulled me right in!
Now I'm curious to know what kind of person the ‘cutie’ is. I wish you'd have provided some physical description, as it really helps the reader to have a clear mental picture of them.
Overall, I really liked it, and I look forward to reading more of it. Hope you post again soon!
Happy writing!!
this will be quietly assimilated into my system. thank you for your kind words.
The artist and I are working on this comic. Wait for it when we get rich and famous. ;>